Revisiting

So I know I haven't posted in 3 days.  That's partly because I was actually enjoying a few night outings this week - one to a baseball game with family and family friends, one being spent with my husband before he had to go to work, and one for Girl's Night last night with the niece and sister-in-law.  Yes, I feel guilty that I haven't written in 3 days, but there's also another reason I didn't write any posts for the last few days...

The last couple of days I have been having rather strong bouts of anger.  Little things that shouldn't make me angry, are.  It's also been a selfish anger - the type of anger where you feel your problems are far worse than anyone else you know is experiencing, or at least you think that in your mind.  I've been angry over things I can't control, and I've been angry at things that I can.  I've also been having a hard time dealing with the anger.  I don't want to take it out on anyone or express it to others because it is a selfish anger.  I have talked, and vented, about it to my husband, my Mom, and my sister-in-law, and that has helped alleviate some of it.  But I can't shake that feeling that I just want to punch someone or something. 

I know that the grief cycle doesn't always flow perfectly.  Hence, I guess that's why the anger stage has reared its head again.  To be honest, I wasn't expecting it to return, but it did.  I guess that means that even if I get past this stage again, it will return at some other unforeseen time when I least expect it.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I was having a hard time processing the angriness - I'm not usually an angry person and it's hard being that person you don't want to be, or feel an emotion you don't like all the time.  But I need to face this just as I have faced the sadness, pain, etc.  The only way to deal with it is to forge through it.

My sister-in-law shared a few thoughts with me today in an effort to help me through this stage.  So I will share one of the thoughts with you all:  "The only way past the pain is through it.  You can't escape it.  You can't ignore it.  Pain, grief, anger, misery..they don't go away - they just increase and compound and get worse.  You have to live through them, acknowledge them.  You have to give your pain its due." - Jasinda Wilder.

So I'm giving my angry phase its due.  It's sitting there boiling under the surface and I'm doing my best to keep it from boiling over and out.

Safety

I attended a different support group meeting tonight.  It is extremely helpful being able to have support group meetings twice a month.  I've come to realize that there is safety in numbers.  This may sound strange but I feel safe being with those who can truly understand the pain that I feel on a daily basis.  These individuals often think the same thoughts I do, struggle the ways I do, and just get me when I talk about the loss of my child.  Unfortunately, they have been through the death of a child - and nothing compares to it.  We all realize we will never be the same and we can all embrace and support each other through something as simple as just talking in a circle.  No one else fully knows our pain, and though we all wish we did not have to experience it, at least we have each other. 

First Easter

Today is Easter Sunday.  It would have been Ellie's first Easter.  A day when she would have been wearing a really cute Easter dress, and I would have loved showing her off to everyone at Easter dinner with the family.  Instead, she spent her first Easter in Heaven.  I'm sad knowing that she didn't get to have those first photos taken with a scary Easter bunny, or get to wear little bunny ears, or have everyone oh and ah over her.  Those special memories just won't happen, and there's not much more to say other than I am immensely sad and missing her very much. 

Easter is supposed to be a time of happiness.  A sign of hope and spring eternal.  It just somehow doesn't feel like that to me today.  Perhaps it is because this is the first Easter without her, or just because she's not here at all.  Either way, I'm not feeling overly joyous today like most others seem to be on this holiday. 

Gran Note

As I was going through all of the cards we received from friends and family and trying to organize them into one place, the note my Gran had written to us ended up on top of the pile.  I have not shared it before, but I felt like sharing it tonight.  Since tomorrow is Easter, it seems like a good message to re-read.  Here is what she wrote:

"There is no way to know the pain you feel, There is no way to know the hurt that is only yours, There is no way to know the LOVE you hold so dear, There is no way to know how strong little Ellie is; Only God and time can make life better for you - But know our love for all of you is deeper than the deepest love." 

Then on the other side of the note was this:
"Yes, Ellie is your sunshine, your only sunshine, who will make you happy when skies are gray, you will never know, Case and Doug, how much she loves you, please never take that love away from you."

She is right on all accounts, as my Gran often is in her wisdom.  As I face our first Easter without Ellie, I'll be sure to read this note many times tomorrow as I think about our sweet daughter.

Traveler

So Doug and I went out to a Chinese restaurant for dinner.  I lost the battle because I really wanted Mexican - I was in the mood for some hard tacos.  But alas, I let him pick and we ended up at the Chinese restaurant up the road.  After a pleasant meal, it was time to read our fortunes from the fortune cookies.  Here is what mine said: "You are a traveler at heart.  There will be many journeys."

I feel like I've already had a thousand journeys.  But I suppose I have a thousand more journeys to take.  Hopefully, I'll have more happy journeys than sad ones to come.  At the moment, my heart is travelling to thoughts of my daughter..

Jealousy

Last night during girl's night, I was hanging out in Natalie's room.  My sister-in-law had left the room, and Natalie and I had been preparing for a "party."  She happened to look down and grab my silicone bracelet.  The side that had Ellison's name on it in between two hearts was facing Natalie.  Natalie said that she loved the hearts and wanted to know what the words between them were so I told her it was Ellison.  Natalie looked at me and said "but we all know she died.  Why are we still talking about it, why don't you talk about me, I want you to talk about me now."  It caught me completely off guard.  I scrambled for something to say on the fly and I managed to tell her that I still miss and love Ellison, but that I can talk about her too.  I wasn't prepared for that and I wish I had given her a better answer. 

So after Natalie went to bed, I told my sister-in-law about the conversation.  She divulged that they've been dealing with a little jealousy from Natalie when it comes to Ellison.  We had all thought that when Ellie got here, Natalie might be a little jealous despite the fact that she was excited to have a cousin.  After all, she was going to have to share her spotlight for the first time.  So I suppose it makes sense now that she still feels that jealousy with having to share the conversation within the family with the topic of Ellison.  I guess I just hadn't realized that the jealousy would still exist with Ellie not physically being here.  I suppose it's how four year olds process things like this - now that I think about it, it makes complete sense.

Sometimes, the jealousy is hard to ignore.  I find myself being jealous of others' bundles of joy that seem to keep being born every day.  I'm jealous of their happiness, of the joy they get to experience holding their baby for the first time.  I'm jealous of watching all their babies hit important milestones.  Basically I'm just jealous that I did not get the same good fortune and that my baby is not here.  While no one is to blame, I still feel pings of this jealousy and have to continually come up with ways to deal with, or refocus, my feelings.  It's no different for Natalie as she struggles through different emotions - I guess it's just more difficult for her because she is so young and dealing with something way beyond her years.  In all honesty, I don't think at any age, it gets any easier when faced with a tragedy.  I'd say jealousy fits right into that grieving process.  It's right in there with anger some days.  I learn something new each day from a four year old - it really is amazing how profound children can be.  She's the cutest teacher I know.

Family

I won't write much tonight.  I had to be at work early today, and I have to be there again early tomorrow.  I just now got home from spending the evening with my sister-in-law and niece for "girl's night."  I think Wednesday evenings may be new favorite weeknights because I really enjoy all of the girl chats, even if most of them include the musings of a 4 yr. old.  It's like I always joke "#fouryearoldproblems."

I will, however, share one quote that this night has reminded me of - "Where there is lasting love, there is a family."  I love my family.  I love my little family which consists of Doug and Ellison, and the fur babies.  And I love my entire family.  We all share a lasting love and that is what makes our family special and profound.  Ellison is a big part of it even if she's not here to be surrounded by it, but I believe she can see, and feel, it from afar. 

Two Months

Technically Ellie would have been two months old today if she had made it to her scheduled arrival.  I tried not to think about it most of the day but it's not possible to completely avoid it.  I think about what she would be doing right and what our lives would have been like with a two month old.  I think about how she would be smiling and taking part in "tummy time" and how we'd have our little routines worked out with her by now.  And then I look down at my wrist and see my pink bracelet that says "Mommy of an Angel."  The emotions are overwhelming and unavoidable.

My "Aunt" Sandy sent me an email the other day with a song in it that she had heard that she thought I would like.  I think the song about says it all for me today.  I wish so much that I could just call Ellie back to me and then she'd be here.  It's just one of the many crappy realities when you're the Mommy of an angel and you can't hold them and enjoy the little milestones...

Here are the song lyrics in my head right now - it's called "Sing You Back To Me" by Trisha Yearwood.

I'd like to write a song, a sweet and simple thing
And if I do it right, it'd the only one I'd sing
'Cause it would bring me everything I need
A song that I could sing you back to me

Sing you back, bring you back
A miracle of page and pen
You'd hear it and be here again
And always and forever there would be
A song that I could sing you back to me

There must be a million words and all I have to do
Is lay my heart upon those rare and magic few
Why can't it be as easy as it seems?
A song that I could sing you back to me

Sing you back, bring you back
A miracle of page and pen
You'd hear it and be here again
And always and forever there would be
A song that I could sing you back, bring you back
A song that I could sing you back to me

Pencils

Recently I've been following several support sites on Facebook and on the internet.  I haven't really contributed anything to them yet, but I've been selfish and taking insights from them along the way.  Sometimes they have different little sayings or pictures that hit the spot at the moment I view them.  As I read what others have written or shared, and I ponder what I write down in my blog on a nightly basis, I'm reminded of a quote in my book:  "We are all pencils in the hand of God" by Mother Theresa.

So I guess it's ok for me to be selfish and find comfort in others' words or pictures, just as others may find comfort in mine.  We all have something to say, and we're all trying to leave our carbon marks behind for a greater purpose.  The good thing to remember is that pencil marks can be erased.  It's nice to know that if one needs to re-word something or if a fresh start is needed, you can simply start a new sentence or paragraph in life. 

Forward

I really miss Ellie today.  I've been doing spring cleaning all day to distract myself.  It seems that random days bring random feelings of emptiness.  This afternoon I found myself searching for inspirational words on the internet to push me on.  I can't be strong all the time and I do need pushes every now and then to keep pressing forward.  And then I stumbled upon this quote:  "If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward" by Martin Luther King, Jr. 

It's ok to crawl somedays.  Just like that saying, life is a marathon, not a sprint, well so too is grieving.  As long as I'm moving forwards then I'm accomplishing something.  Somedays I feel like sprinting through my emotions, other days I feel like crawling through them, but at least I'm confronting them, and that means I'm moving forward.  Today it just so happens that I'm slowly meandering through feelings of sadness because I miss her...I miss her a lot.  And that's ok because I'm still going forward...

Spring Game

My parents, Doug, and I all went up to Charlottesville today to watch the football team's annual Spring Game - the Orange and Blue scrimmage.  The weather was nice, and we were invited to a free cookout beforehand to honor our perfect attendance at the home football games last season.  I had made it to all the games, both the brutally hot and quite frigid games (except for one when we travelled to Georgia for Doug's Grandma's 90th birthday), last season while being pregnant.  I guess that shows my dedication.

I had mixed emotions as to how going to this would make me feel.  I was very much looking forward to Ellie coming to a few games with us in the fall.  I am sad knowing that I won't be able to share these experiences with her.  But it was quite hot today sitting in those bleachers and I remembered thinking to myself that I certainly wouldn't have brought her with us.  She would only have been close to 8 weeks old and it was way too warm for her to be out in the sun for the game. 

It's funny how as I go along, I often think to myself about what I would and wouldn't be doing with her in various situations.  It's almost like I'm "mothering" someone that isn't even here.  I suppose it's just an instinct I'll always have regardless if she's here to see it or not.  But instead of "mothering" her today, I was at a spring football game with a painted stone in my pocket with an orange and blue "E" painted in the middle of it.  Besides my necklace, ring, and bracelet that I wear, it's the only physical object I could take with me to make me feel like she was there and a part of the experience.  I kept that stone in my pocket the whole time.  Now let's just hope it is a lucky stone that brings the team more wins than it did last year.

Say

After work I decided that I needed to cut the grass.  Yes, I often cut the grass.  It's not the most fun thing in the world to do, but it's not the worst either.  I'd rather mow than iron.  Strange, I know.  I like to plug my earphones in and just listen to music as I mow along, and then when I am done I like to marvel at how great the yard looks.   I make Doug do this marveling with me.

While I was zigzaging along, a song by Sara Bareilles came on.  I am sure most of you have heard it on the radio - it's called "Brave."  It talks about saying what you want to say, and basically just standing up for yourself and not being ashamed of doing that.  Here are some of the lyrics:

"Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?"

Sometimes I really would like to say exactly what is running through my head.  But I hold it back because it's either too angry, or too sad, or just plain depressing, or simply not appropriate to tell to the average person, or stranger, that I encounter.  I let most of the words out on here, but not usually in the course of my actual physical conversations with people.  Some people I'd like to just tell off every once in awhile and usually for random things, but I don't find that to be "brave."  Sometimes being the bigger, or stronger, person during the course of the conversation is the most brave thing one can do.  Even refraining from commenting on something when you really want to is a brave accomplishment.  There's always another way to spread your message, and it's often more positive than a rash reaction.

So I think when I hear this song it reminds me to continue to say my words on here and spread the truth of my experiences.  It may not be the best to do so in person, but here I will make sure I am never silent and the words will fall out.  It's good to have an outlet, and this I find to be the most productive.  Maybe one day I will be more brave and be able to let my words fall out, in a positive way, in front of people.  But I'm just not there yet. 

Kindergarten

While I was at work I realized that my sister-in-law and brother would be signing up my niece for kindergarten during the day.  I had to stop and reflect on this for a few minutes.  I can't believe she is getting so big and growing up so fast.  I guess kids have a funny way of doing that.  I thought some about that quote that you often hear "All I really need to know I learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum.

Maybe that statement is completely accurate.  Many life lessons are learned in that classroom more so than in all the other school years.  It's your first exposure to the wonder of learning and in some way, it's really your first exposure to entering the real world.  Whether you are home schooled, or go to a private school, or a public school (like I did), you start your greatest cultural and educational journey in an organized fashion when you begin kindergarten (or whatever you may call it if you go the non-public school route).  You have to start learning responsibility, and time management, and how to tie your shoes, and how to read, etc.

I started thinking about how excited I was for Natalie to begin this next chapter in her life.  I also knew how hard it was going to be on my sister-in-law because she is growing up and sometimes that's scary.  It would be hard on me if I was in her shoes and I was having to sign Ellison up for kindergarten.  Unfortunately, I'll never get to experience that with Ellie or fully experience these emotions, but I can still feel the emotions that other mothers feel.  We talked a little about this on the phone when I called to check on my sister-in-law.  It's scary having to send your child off into the real world.

What's even scarier is knowing that sending them off into the real world means having to allow them to experience all the ups and downs that it has to offer.  And maybe in kindergarten that just means having to experience the good of learning something new or the bad of when someone doesn't share the toy with you.  But as they get older and move on up in grades, the goods and bads change.  And what we all learn, having been through this process, is that nothing can protect you from all the bads that may arise.

I learned this concept in kindergarten, and it's still true to this day.  Nothing could have protected me from this tragedy.  As much as I wish I could have been shielded from it, just as I wish Natalie gets shielded from negative experiences along her new journey, it's just not possible.  That's the real world.  Bad things do happen to good people.  Good things do happen to bad people.  Good things do happen to good people.  Fair is a nonexistent concept.  Some days life is amazing and sometimes life just sucks.  These are all just the facts of life.  We all learn this in kindergarten, but I think we sometimes forget that we have learned these things until we're faced with them again.

I just hope Natalie learns as much as she possibly can and I am so happy to know how excited she is to start her rite of passage.  She's got the whole world ahead of her, and the whole world at her feet, and the sky's the limit.  My Gran always told me when I was growing up to "hitch my wagon to a star" because life is what you make of it through both the good times and the bad.  I hope Natalie hitches her wagon to an even brighter star.  I know I'll be standing by her side through the good and the bad as life marches on, and I'll always have Ellie standing by my side as I march on.

Colorblind

So I know I've admitted this before, but I actually do watch Glee.  I love music and the show has introduced me to new songs and styles of music that I may not have discovered on my own.  Yes the story lines can be a bit over the top, but really, life can be a bit over the top anyways.  Anyways, last night one of the actors sang her own new song.  I found myself sitting there listening to the lyrics and they were spot on.  I immediately scoured the internet looking for that song by Amber Riley called "Colorblind."  Here are some of the lyrics that I identified the most with:

When the world is seeing yellow
I only see gray
When everybody sees the rainbow
I’m stuck in the rain...

You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart
Get so full of the never mind never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind....

 

I’ll wait
For roses to be red again
And I hate
That you took my blue from the ocean
Give me back green greens and goldens
My purples my blues you sold them
How long will I be broken...

 

To me, this explains what nature has taken from me when it took Ellison.  It's hard to put into words but I just feel betrayed by nature.  You're supposed to trust that everything will always be OK and flow naturally, and when it doesn't, your fundamental views of the world get completely shaken up and your world turns upside down.  It's like that other, more famous, "Colorblind" song by Counting Crows said: "I am covered in skin, No one gets to come in, Pull me out from inside, I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding, I am colorblind."  Suddenly, it's like these songs say, you come unfolded and undone, or colorblind in a metaphorical sense. 

 

And maybe in time the roses will be red again.  You really do want the naive views you held before to come back because you could trust things then - life was simpler because nature had your back.  I'm waiting for nature to have my back instead of turning its back on me like it did when Ellison was taken.  I don't want to be colorblind or undone, but I'm still broken and slowly working on becoming less broken.

 

 

 

 

Too Deep

C.S. Lewis said, "Life is too deep for words, so don't try to describe it, just live it."  I don't have many words today.  I'm coming down with something and I haven't felt my best.  But even when I feel my worst, I still think to myself, at least I CAN feel.  Ellison will never get to experience the best, and worst, that life has to offer, so I am trying to limit my complaining.  I can think back to the times when I was growing up and I thought that some event was surely too insurmountable and I pouted and felt miserable for myself.  And no words really ever comforted me now that I look back on this - but actions did.  As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.  Watching others carry on with life who have been in my shoes makes me realize that doing just that myself is what I need to do.  It's like that saying usually attributed to Francis of Assisi, "Preach the gospel, and if necessary use words."  Sometimes doing is just better than saying.

Goal

Today I checked my March of Dimes team page, In Memory of Ellison, and found out that with a little under a month to go until the walk I had raised $670.  I surpassed my $200 goal thanks to the generous donations of many friends and family members.  This makes me very happy.  I feel very strongly about the March of Dimes cause, as well as many of the other support group/research causes dedicated to preventing infant deaths and providing resources for those who unfortunately had to experience a loss of a baby.  It hits so close to home.  I know how much I love Ellison and how much she means to me, and how painful her loss has been, so I can relate to others on a level that cannot be understood by many.  And though I know it is impossible to completely prevent all terrible things from happening, perhaps just preventing one so that I could spare someone else from the cross I have to bear is a battle I'm willing to join.

I know I have been greatly comforted throughout this journey by many strangers who have donated their time and gifts and resources to help me, and it seems only fitting that I try to help give back to others.  It may not be much, but if I can contribute something towards the fight to prevent this from happening to another family, I will do it.  No one should have to experience the loss of their baby.  And while I could not save Ellison, perhaps I can help the cause to save someone else's daughter (or son) or God forbid, help them through this awful loss with the money raised.  So to all who have helped me reach my goal, or who have prayed for me and Doug and Ellison, or who are joining with us to walk in her memory and the memories of all the babies who have been lost too soon, thank you for helping me to fight on.

First Love

While we were away for our little weekend trip, my Mom took care of our cats.  She said she spent some time in Ellie's room, and I'm glad she did.  It's good that she has some of her own time feeling close to her.  Now that we're back home, I feel like sharing a poem that was included in our picture package from the hospital.  It was written by Theresa Cochrane, and it's called "Oh Mother, my mother."

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.

Love, your child

This about says it all tonight.  I was her first love, and I'll always have that special bond. 

Mountain Air

Doug and I decided to head up to Wintergreen for the weekend.  I figured the mountain air may do us some good.  Not to mention, sometimes it's nice to just get away from home and constant reminders.  The mountain air can help clear one's head, just as the beach air can (but unfortunately it's not quite beach season). 

The weather was perfect for hiking today.  Our dogs sure were happy.  Samantha had a big smile on her face as she found every mud puddle to play in, and Sabre is finally in his element on the mountain trail.  He may not be the brightest dog, but he sure can scale a mountain like it is nothing.  Luckily we took a long trail that paralleled a waterfall part of the way so the dogs were able to clean up and cool off.  The sound of the rushing water also helped clear my head some.

I've decided that no matter where I go or what I do, I'll never be able to outrun the sadness.  Only time will lessen the impact the sadness has on my every day activities.  Sometimes though I do wish I could just get a "timeout" from things.  As Doug and I were enjoying a nice dinner at one of the local breweries, I told him that sometimes I feel like it's just too much.  Having to face a tragedy like this really does just wear you down and I sometimes wonder if I can keep on fakin' it through. 

I'd like to not have to think about it all the time or be reminded of it constantly.  I thought I had a brief moment of this when I woke up and enjoyed a cup of coffee on the deck.  My mind was at peace and I was just enjoying the crisp, cool air.  A small bird landed right in front of me, and just stared at me as it chirped away.  I tried chirping back and it seemed to look at me like I was crazy (which I may be) but it continued to just stay there, not afraid of me.  When I got up to go get my Ipad to take a picture, it flew off.  But I decided to take a picture of the mountains in the background with the sun shining.  I went back inside and realized that there were these beautiful color streaks right in the middle of my mountain picture.  I figured it was Ellie telling me "Good morning."

So no matter how much I'd just like a break from things, time is just not on my side right now.  But at least I can enjoy the mountain air and dream of a future time when my mind may not be so burdened.  Of course, I'll never stop thinking of my little angel, but perhaps I'll be able to enjoy some "me time"  It might be on the horizon...

 

Pictures of Ellie

When I look at my pictures of Ellie, I feel torn between emotions.  They are beautiful to me, but they are also sad.  I find it difficult to process - how can death be beautiful?  It seems preposterous to think that those two concepts can be intertwined in such a weird way.  Pictures of her represent both death and life.  I imagine what her life would have been like when I stare at those various photographs.  But then, I see the face of death - discolorations of skin, pale and cool.  I almost always cry when I look through them.  In one of the photos, her little pouty face says it all.  It's just so very sad.  A beautiful disaster - she was very beautiful, but I guess too beautiful to stay here with me. 

As I look at all the photos that my friends share of their newborns, I feel numb.  I wish I had photos that I could share of her but they are not fit to be shared.  No one wants to have to look at death through a photograph.  I certainly never thought I would be.  All I can say is that she was the sweetest and most amazing creature - more beautiful than I could have imagined, and it's just a shame that the pictures do not do her enough justice. 

I wish I could see photo albums from Heaven - photos that reflect her smile or happiness in general.  There are many things that I wish I could change but unfortunately it is beyond my control.  I'll just have to relish the few photos that I do have of my beautiful angel and remember her as I knew her - as my pretty daughter.  In my eyes, she will always be the prettiest baby I have ever seen.

Words

It is much easier to write my thoughts down than to speak them.  Tonight I attended my monthly support group meeting.  It was another helpful session for me.  But I find that when I speak of Ellison, trying to convey my thoughts and emotions clearly is difficult.  However, as I sit down to type out my blog posts every night it seems that the words just pour through my fingers.  Perhaps it's just because it's easier to share things anonymously than to have to look people in the eye and maintain strength.

Nonetheless, I have words for today.  Today was like Christmas in April for me.  I knew that I was going to get my other hospital photo package at the meeting tonight.  It is almost sad to say that I was looking forward to this.  I suppose when the mementos you have to remind you of your child are so few, it makes them all the more special.  I had been eagerly awaiting them just as any mother would be for their photo packages of their babies except I unfortunately know the immense pain and sadness reflected in my baby's photos.  Knowing this, however, does not change the fact that I relish seeing my beautiful baby girl and how proud I feel to be her mother.  I was anxious to see them at the end of the meeting.

When my Mom arrived to pick up Doug and I to head over to the meeting, I also knew that she had a present for us that she had ordered.  It had finally arrived from Cypress.  I pulled it out of the bag it was in and discovered that it was a tiny, hand carved wooden music box.  The details in the carvings were amazingly intricate.  I opened the top to reveal a message carved on the inside "You are my sunshine Ellison Ann."  As I turned the little handle, the notes of "You Are My Sunshine" poured out of the little box.  It was beautiful, and I loved it.  It made me smile.

While waiting for the group meeting to start, I saw that I had received an email.  It was from my sister-in-law informing me that the present they had ordered had not arrived by my actual anniversary, but that it was here today and she knew I had my meeting so she would be leaving it in my mailbox.  Another present to look forward to.  Towards the end of the group session, we were provided smooth stones and paints to create a picture or write our babys' names on to either carry with us or to perhaps use in a garden, or just to have.  I created two for Ellie - one with just her name and some hearts on it, and the other in my two favorite colors (orange and blue) with just the initial "E."  Sweet - I had two more presents.  And as I was leaving group, I was given another surprise - a little remembrance pin to wear by one of the other attendees.  All of these led up to the present I had actually been eagerly anticipating for many weeks - the pictures. 

The pictures brought tears to my eyes.  I'll have to dedicate tomorrow's blog post to them because there are some other things I want to say specific to these.  But seeing them and some of the items included in the package made the wait worthwhile.  Anyways, when we made it home I immediately checked the mailbox for my other present.  The outside of the card said to open the gift first and then read the card.  I actually followed the instructions.  Inside the wrapped box was a little jade elephant.  Very pretty.  I then opened the card and first saw a colored heart Natalie had drawn us (I love that kid), and then I read the card my sister-in-law and brother had included.  On the inside of the card was this message:

A lucky totem for your anniversary

The elephant is considered an auspicious animal because the Chinese character for "elephant" has the same pronunciation as the Chinese word for "auspicious" or "lucky."  Jade elephants symbolize the ability to strengthen the union of a romantic couple, protect a home, inspire intelligence, dignity, longevity, vitality, power, strength, wisdom and prominence, and grant wishes.  According to Chinese tradition, an elephant with an upturned truck symbolizes happiness and good fortune.

Believe in the elephant!  What could it hurt!

PS Jade is also the 3rd Anniversary gemstone

As I read this, again I smiled.  I realized that sometimes that aren't even words for certain emotions that I feel.  Sometimes words aren't even necessary.  Words like happiness and sadness and thankfulness don't convey my feelings as I travel along my current path.  I try to find words to explain everything, but in certain cases, they don't.  As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words and if you could take a picture of me at various times, you'd probably get a better idea of how I'm feeling or what emotions I'm experiencing.  Today, my picture would actually show a genuine smile. 

3rd Anniversary

Today marks my husband and I's third Anniversary.  It's hard to believe it has been three years since we said our "I do's."  A lot has happened in those three years.  Celebrating tonight at dinner was a little bittersweet.  On one hand, I'm happy to celebrate my love for my husband and our marriage, but on the other hand I'm still feeling overwhelming sadness for the fact that our present to each other was lost on February 1st. 

As we enjoyed a nice dinner out, I told him that I was sorry that I did not get him a card and that I couldn't give him Ellison, but that I could give him all of the love I was capable of giving.  We talked about how so much has gone down in our three years of marriage and that we could at least say that we have faced many things that most couples do not survive and have come out stronger in our union.  It has been the best of times and the worst of times this past year, and at the end of the day I'm glad we have each other.  There have been bad days, but as my sister-in-law reminded me in an email, the "good" days have outnumbered the bad.  And that is the definition of a good marriage - that the "good" days by far outnumber the "bad."  Even when there are bad days, as we've recently had in dealing with the loss of our precious daughter, his love has pulled me through.  So we should celebrate our anniversary to honor our love for each other and be thankful for the things that we do have.  Ellison would be proud of us, just as we are proud of us, and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

In the words of Johnny Cash, for my dear husband, I walk the line.  I will continue to walk the line until the day I am no longer on this earth.  I walk it for him, for Ellison, and for me.  Three years in, and many more to come.  Perhaps we can even focus on future hopes and dreams together, all while remembering our precious baby girl in all that we do.

"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line"

April Fools'

I used to like playing April Fools' Day jokes on members of my family and loved ones through the years.  However, it hit me as I was walking down the stairs this morning on my way out of the door to go to work, that today was in fact April Fools' Day, and that in fact, the joke was on me.  Today Ellison should have been 6 weeks old.  Instead, Nature played a cruel joke and took her away two months ago.

It was a sad start to the day when this reality hit me.  But then as fate would have it, my Mom sent me a quote.  She had spent a while last night trying to tell me that I needed to reframe my views on luck.  It wasn't unluckiness that took Ellison away, it was just some terrible act of nature.  Luck had nothing to do with it.  She told me that she has never known me to be a negative person and that I've always tried to be positive in tough situations, and she wishes for me that I try to maintain this aspect of myself as I reframe my "new normal."  She told me she didn't want to lose her positive daughter.  I'm trying to listen to her words of wisdom and abide by them because I think deep down I know she is right on all points.

So this morning she sent me a quote to help me reframe my views on luck and to let me know that she loved me.  "Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter.  Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it" - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe.