First Easter

Today is Easter Sunday.  It would have been Ellie's first Easter.  A day when she would have been wearing a really cute Easter dress, and I would have loved showing her off to everyone at Easter dinner with the family.  Instead, she spent her first Easter in Heaven.  I'm sad knowing that she didn't get to have those first photos taken with a scary Easter bunny, or get to wear little bunny ears, or have everyone oh and ah over her.  Those special memories just won't happen, and there's not much more to say other than I am immensely sad and missing her very much. 

Easter is supposed to be a time of happiness.  A sign of hope and spring eternal.  It just somehow doesn't feel like that to me today.  Perhaps it is because this is the first Easter without her, or just because she's not here at all.  Either way, I'm not feeling overly joyous today like most others seem to be on this holiday. 

Gran Note

As I was going through all of the cards we received from friends and family and trying to organize them into one place, the note my Gran had written to us ended up on top of the pile.  I have not shared it before, but I felt like sharing it tonight.  Since tomorrow is Easter, it seems like a good message to re-read.  Here is what she wrote:

"There is no way to know the pain you feel, There is no way to know the hurt that is only yours, There is no way to know the LOVE you hold so dear, There is no way to know how strong little Ellie is; Only God and time can make life better for you - But know our love for all of you is deeper than the deepest love." 

Then on the other side of the note was this:
"Yes, Ellie is your sunshine, your only sunshine, who will make you happy when skies are gray, you will never know, Case and Doug, how much she loves you, please never take that love away from you."

She is right on all accounts, as my Gran often is in her wisdom.  As I face our first Easter without Ellie, I'll be sure to read this note many times tomorrow as I think about our sweet daughter.

Traveler

So Doug and I went out to a Chinese restaurant for dinner.  I lost the battle because I really wanted Mexican - I was in the mood for some hard tacos.  But alas, I let him pick and we ended up at the Chinese restaurant up the road.  After a pleasant meal, it was time to read our fortunes from the fortune cookies.  Here is what mine said: "You are a traveler at heart.  There will be many journeys."

I feel like I've already had a thousand journeys.  But I suppose I have a thousand more journeys to take.  Hopefully, I'll have more happy journeys than sad ones to come.  At the moment, my heart is travelling to thoughts of my daughter..

Jealousy

Last night during girl's night, I was hanging out in Natalie's room.  My sister-in-law had left the room, and Natalie and I had been preparing for a "party."  She happened to look down and grab my silicone bracelet.  The side that had Ellison's name on it in between two hearts was facing Natalie.  Natalie said that she loved the hearts and wanted to know what the words between them were so I told her it was Ellison.  Natalie looked at me and said "but we all know she died.  Why are we still talking about it, why don't you talk about me, I want you to talk about me now."  It caught me completely off guard.  I scrambled for something to say on the fly and I managed to tell her that I still miss and love Ellison, but that I can talk about her too.  I wasn't prepared for that and I wish I had given her a better answer. 

So after Natalie went to bed, I told my sister-in-law about the conversation.  She divulged that they've been dealing with a little jealousy from Natalie when it comes to Ellison.  We had all thought that when Ellie got here, Natalie might be a little jealous despite the fact that she was excited to have a cousin.  After all, she was going to have to share her spotlight for the first time.  So I suppose it makes sense now that she still feels that jealousy with having to share the conversation within the family with the topic of Ellison.  I guess I just hadn't realized that the jealousy would still exist with Ellie not physically being here.  I suppose it's how four year olds process things like this - now that I think about it, it makes complete sense.

Sometimes, the jealousy is hard to ignore.  I find myself being jealous of others' bundles of joy that seem to keep being born every day.  I'm jealous of their happiness, of the joy they get to experience holding their baby for the first time.  I'm jealous of watching all their babies hit important milestones.  Basically I'm just jealous that I did not get the same good fortune and that my baby is not here.  While no one is to blame, I still feel pings of this jealousy and have to continually come up with ways to deal with, or refocus, my feelings.  It's no different for Natalie as she struggles through different emotions - I guess it's just more difficult for her because she is so young and dealing with something way beyond her years.  In all honesty, I don't think at any age, it gets any easier when faced with a tragedy.  I'd say jealousy fits right into that grieving process.  It's right in there with anger some days.  I learn something new each day from a four year old - it really is amazing how profound children can be.  She's the cutest teacher I know.

Family

I won't write much tonight.  I had to be at work early today, and I have to be there again early tomorrow.  I just now got home from spending the evening with my sister-in-law and niece for "girl's night."  I think Wednesday evenings may be new favorite weeknights because I really enjoy all of the girl chats, even if most of them include the musings of a 4 yr. old.  It's like I always joke "#fouryearoldproblems."

I will, however, share one quote that this night has reminded me of - "Where there is lasting love, there is a family."  I love my family.  I love my little family which consists of Doug and Ellison, and the fur babies.  And I love my entire family.  We all share a lasting love and that is what makes our family special and profound.  Ellison is a big part of it even if she's not here to be surrounded by it, but I believe she can see, and feel, it from afar. 

Two Months

Technically Ellie would have been two months old today if she had made it to her scheduled arrival.  I tried not to think about it most of the day but it's not possible to completely avoid it.  I think about what she would be doing right and what our lives would have been like with a two month old.  I think about how she would be smiling and taking part in "tummy time" and how we'd have our little routines worked out with her by now.  And then I look down at my wrist and see my pink bracelet that says "Mommy of an Angel."  The emotions are overwhelming and unavoidable.

My "Aunt" Sandy sent me an email the other day with a song in it that she had heard that she thought I would like.  I think the song about says it all for me today.  I wish so much that I could just call Ellie back to me and then she'd be here.  It's just one of the many crappy realities when you're the Mommy of an angel and you can't hold them and enjoy the little milestones...

Here are the song lyrics in my head right now - it's called "Sing You Back To Me" by Trisha Yearwood.

I'd like to write a song, a sweet and simple thing
And if I do it right, it'd the only one I'd sing
'Cause it would bring me everything I need
A song that I could sing you back to me

Sing you back, bring you back
A miracle of page and pen
You'd hear it and be here again
And always and forever there would be
A song that I could sing you back to me

There must be a million words and all I have to do
Is lay my heart upon those rare and magic few
Why can't it be as easy as it seems?
A song that I could sing you back to me

Sing you back, bring you back
A miracle of page and pen
You'd hear it and be here again
And always and forever there would be
A song that I could sing you back, bring you back
A song that I could sing you back to me

Pencils

Recently I've been following several support sites on Facebook and on the internet.  I haven't really contributed anything to them yet, but I've been selfish and taking insights from them along the way.  Sometimes they have different little sayings or pictures that hit the spot at the moment I view them.  As I read what others have written or shared, and I ponder what I write down in my blog on a nightly basis, I'm reminded of a quote in my book:  "We are all pencils in the hand of God" by Mother Theresa.

So I guess it's ok for me to be selfish and find comfort in others' words or pictures, just as others may find comfort in mine.  We all have something to say, and we're all trying to leave our carbon marks behind for a greater purpose.  The good thing to remember is that pencil marks can be erased.  It's nice to know that if one needs to re-word something or if a fresh start is needed, you can simply start a new sentence or paragraph in life.