Sunday, June 15, 2014

Father's Day

A little girl's first idol is her father.  She learns many lessons from her father and begins to understand what type of man should she marry.  I know growing up my father was my mentor, my coach, my motivator, my butt-kicker occassionally, and now he's my friend and so much more.  And so today is Father's Day and it's a day to reflect on the importance of one's father, or father-figure, on one's life.  I, however, know this is a sad day for my husband.  I was in his shoes about a month ago and know how difficult it was to just get out of bed and face the day. 

I thought about this impending day a lot yesterday as the entire family went to my niece's first dance recital.  I had no idea what to expect from 3, 4, and 5 year olds dancing on stage.  I have to say it was the most adorable, and at times, humorous, events I have ever witnessed.  Natalie, who is almost 5, looked so cute in her little ballet outfit.  She got up there on that stage and did a great job.  I was very proud of her.  As I watched the rest of the little groups go I thought to myself if Ellie would have been in something similar when she was three or four.  I began to picture her in a little tutu costume and Doug and I being the ones who were beaming with joy at her first experience in the spotlight.  I would have made him film the entire event just as many of the fathers were doing in the audience.  As we walked back to the car after the recital was over, I just commented to Doug that I was happy and sad at the same time.  He knows all to well what I'm talking about.  How easy it can be to be both happy yet unthinkably sad all in the same breath.

At one of my recent support groups, we talked about how we were feeling that day on a "Temperature Scale" with 1 representing feeling extremely sad, and 10 being the happiest.  I think by the end of the exercise we all agreed that maybe 10 just does not exist on our temperature scales anymore.  Even on the days we find ourselves surprisingly feeling pretty good, it just never feels perfect anymore.  With Ellie not being here, I don't think I'll ever feel like a 10.  When you lose a child, your 10 goes with him or her. 

So today as we all reflect on Father's Day and how important our fathers were to us, we also are left having to think about how Ellie is not here to share in this with Doug.  I know she is sending her love to him from her little playroom up in Heaven along with all the other children who were taken all too soon.  Just make sure you take the time today to think about all those fathers who don't have the opportunity to hear an "I love you" from their children, and conversely, those children whose fathers are no longer here to hear those words from them because unfortunately there are way too many of us who know longer know what 10 feels like...