Saturday, November 1, 2014

The Start of the Firsts

Today marks 9 months since we lost Ellison.  Instead of posting cute pictures of her in her first Halloween costume, I'm sitting here typing this blog.  I'm not even sure what we would have dressed her up as but I guess there's no point in trying to figure it out now.  She would have made a cute monkey or maybe even a lil' bean, which was my pet name for her when I was pregnant.

It's been awhile since I've posted on this blog.  Some days I feel like writing something, but then I just can't make myself sit down long enough to do it.  It's been a long nine months.  I realize pregnant women often say that when they're going through the stages of pregnancy.  I even had those thoughts as I was sitting in a hospital bed on the morning of February 1st.  Thinking to myself, "I can't wait until February 18th when she's finally here."  Only, she never made it and here I am, 9 long months later, still wondering why.

Some moments it feels like I am still laying on that bed hearing those words "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." The immense loss still weighs on me every moment.  I guess each day has gotten a little less intense, but it doesn't take much to bring all the pain right back.  I didn't think Halloween would have been that bad.  It's never been one of my favorite holidays, and I never really got into the whole dressing up thing or coming up with some crazy outfit to wear out.  But sure enough, all I could think about was how fun it would have been to get Ellie all dressed up and have everyone say how cute she was.  Her and her cousin would have been adorable together and thousands of pictures would have been taken.  But that didn't, and won't ever, happen, and it's piercingly painful.

Some days I wonder if I'll ever have the opportunity to dress up a little one for Halloween.  I guess it's hard to feel optimistic when nature seems destined to prevent that.  I keep trying to believe it will happen, and Ellie will get her rainbow sibling.  I see other couples achieve it after loss, but it just doesn't seem to be working out for us.  I keep wondering why God, or Nature, or whatever, hates us.  Why a couple with so much love to give has no one to share it with?  When you want something so bad and you just can't get it, it magnifies what you've lost so much more.

I made it through Halloween but it was more painful than I imagined.  These first holidays without her are just going to be terrible.  I know this.  I'm just wondering if all holiday joy will be lost for us forever.  I used to love Christmas.  I'm just not so sure I'll ever love it as much again.  And Thanksgiving, what's there to be thankful about?  Without her here, it doesn't seem like there is anything to give thanks for.  Yes, I've got my amazing husband and family, but I don't have my child - the one we longed for for so long and finally had in our sights just to lose her without explanation.  My hopes and dreams died with her, and who knows if they are ever coming back.  These firsts - holidays, birthdays, etc. - just amplify the sadness and we'll just have to figure out how to survive them.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Father's Day

A little girl's first idol is her father.  She learns many lessons from her father and begins to understand what type of man should she marry.  I know growing up my father was my mentor, my coach, my motivator, my butt-kicker occassionally, and now he's my friend and so much more.  And so today is Father's Day and it's a day to reflect on the importance of one's father, or father-figure, on one's life.  I, however, know this is a sad day for my husband.  I was in his shoes about a month ago and know how difficult it was to just get out of bed and face the day. 

I thought about this impending day a lot yesterday as the entire family went to my niece's first dance recital.  I had no idea what to expect from 3, 4, and 5 year olds dancing on stage.  I have to say it was the most adorable, and at times, humorous, events I have ever witnessed.  Natalie, who is almost 5, looked so cute in her little ballet outfit.  She got up there on that stage and did a great job.  I was very proud of her.  As I watched the rest of the little groups go I thought to myself if Ellie would have been in something similar when she was three or four.  I began to picture her in a little tutu costume and Doug and I being the ones who were beaming with joy at her first experience in the spotlight.  I would have made him film the entire event just as many of the fathers were doing in the audience.  As we walked back to the car after the recital was over, I just commented to Doug that I was happy and sad at the same time.  He knows all to well what I'm talking about.  How easy it can be to be both happy yet unthinkably sad all in the same breath.

At one of my recent support groups, we talked about how we were feeling that day on a "Temperature Scale" with 1 representing feeling extremely sad, and 10 being the happiest.  I think by the end of the exercise we all agreed that maybe 10 just does not exist on our temperature scales anymore.  Even on the days we find ourselves surprisingly feeling pretty good, it just never feels perfect anymore.  With Ellie not being here, I don't think I'll ever feel like a 10.  When you lose a child, your 10 goes with him or her. 

So today as we all reflect on Father's Day and how important our fathers were to us, we also are left having to think about how Ellie is not here to share in this with Doug.  I know she is sending her love to him from her little playroom up in Heaven along with all the other children who were taken all too soon.  Just make sure you take the time today to think about all those fathers who don't have the opportunity to hear an "I love you" from their children, and conversely, those children whose fathers are no longer here to hear those words from them because unfortunately there are way too many of us who know longer know what 10 feels like...

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Life Is Like A Box of Chocolates...

You never know what you're going to get.  You never know what lot you are going to get in life.  You never know what battles you're going to face along the way, or what crosses you are going to have to bear.  You never know if nature is going to be kind, or unkind, to you.  These are all lessons I have learned, and that have shaped my worldview.  From Forrest Gump to real life, there really is no way to know which chocolate you will have to taste along the way.

These past few days have been eye opening.  Last night (Friday), I attended the beautiful wedding of a beautiful couple.  As I watched them walk down the aisle, exchange their vows, and light their unity candle, it brought back memories of Doug and I's magical day.  It reminded me of how amazing that life event was, and how lucky I was to have shared it with my best friend over three years ago.  Hearing others take those vows helps remind you of all that marriage means and how momentous that step is in your life.  I watched the happy couple experience all of those wedding day emotions - nervousness, happiness, hopefulness, and even a little fear perhaps.  There is always that fear of the unknown, of having to begin a new phase and say goodbye to the familiar, and to have to start a new journey with a trail that has been unblazed until now.  I remembered how Doug and I felt on our wedding day - full of hope and joy for the future, and remembering, and being able to smile about those feelings in particular was nice.  It has been awhile since I have been able to smile when thinking about the joy for the future.

Later at the reception, a wave of unexpected emotion hit me as I watched the gorgeous bride, looking like a princess, dancing with her dad.  I remember my wedding dance with my father and how special of a moment that was.  And then I thought to myself that Doug will never get that magical dance with his daughter, our Ellie.  I will never get to watch that special moment shared between father and daughter on her wedding day.  She will never have a wedding day and Doug and I have been robbed of this future happy memory.  I fought back tears as these thoughts entered my mind during those few minutes at the reception.  Doug put his arm around me - he knew exactly what I was thinking.  The joy for the future I had caught a glimpse of during the wedding ceremony had almost dissipated just as soon as it had appeared.

In fact I began thinking about how my Mom was supposed to have been babysitting Ellie that night.  As soon as I had received the "Save the Date" wedding card in the mail back when I was just about 5 months pregnant, I asked my Mom if she would babysit.  And of course she had gladly accepted and was happily looking forward to it.  If things had turned out differently, she would indeed have been looking after our three month old daughter.  Unfortunately, our box of chocolates did not allow us to choose this outcome.  I have to face this reality just as I have had to every day since February 1st.

Today, my Mom and I traveled up to my alma mater to watch my idol, Peyton Manning, deliver the Valedictory speech to the graduating Class of 2014.  I was member of the graduating Class of 2004.  Exactly 10 years ago from May 16, 2014 I was walking down the Lawn at UVA getting ready to embark on a new chapter in my life.  Now ten years later, I'm still having to turn the pages over in my book of life.  Each page has been different, and lately the chapters have been darker than previous ones, but as the pages continue to turn, hopefully the lighter, happier chapters will again reappear.  I thought about all of this as I waited for the ceremony to start.

Peyton's speech lived up to the expections I had developed in my head.  His words of wisdom were poignant and his delivery was impeccable.  He talked about having to face the unknown - equating it to crossing the San Andreas fault.  Having to jump from one side of that fault to the other is scary, but once you do, the path ahead is limitless and as vast as you imagine it to be.  He talked about exuding kindness - he advised that many think that the real world is cruel, and that it can be if you choose to be unkind but it does not have to be if you make the decision for yourself to be kind and spread that vision with those around you.  Well, he is right - the real world has been unkind to me, but I can still choose to be kind to others around me and through that kindness, I can help to enact change.  I do believe that - I do believe I can make the most of my situation and use it to help educate others or support others. 

He advised that the graduates should choose a passion, and use their time, money, or talents to further that passion.  Well, my passion is to support others in their grief journeys as best as I can - and this blog is one of those ways I can do that.  I see it is a reciprocal cycle - this helps me through my struggles and in turn, may help others.  I may be no expert in grief psychology, or be any wiser than the next person, but as Peyton reminded everyone, "amateurs built the arc; experts built the Titanic."  We all have something to offer and contribute, and that is what is most important.  We should all strive to be leaders in some way, shape, or form, even if it is on a small scale.

So to Peyton Manning, I say thank you.  Thank you for sharing your life wisdom with the graduating Class of 2014, and with me, a UVA alumni who is facing a much different unknown.  Seeing other perspectives helps to sometimes clarify your own as I have talked about before, and today's lessons have been positive.  My only regret is that Ellie was not here to have gone with us.  Even if she would have been much too young, and completely disinterested in watching a sports legend speak, I would have been able to tell her all about it when she got older.  I would have been able to share with her Peyton's speech, and relished the fact that she got to see my idol even if she didn't remember it.  I know a piece of her was with me and I know she knows how happy I was to have been able to experience this.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother's Day

How can a day that is supposed to be filled with love and joy bring so much sadness?  Instead of having a three month old love of my life to spend the day with and celebrate Mother's Day with, I'm left staring at pictures and missing my girl like crazy.  I'm the mother of an angel.  While that sounds so glorious to others who tell me "your baby is in Heaven" and "Isn't God's glory wonderful" and so forth, to me it is just a terrible reality.  I don't feel glorious knowing that my baby is not here with her loving parents who would have shown her all the love in the world.  It doesn't make me happy at all to have to spend my Mother's Day watching other mothers get little keepsake crafts and cards made by their children knowing that I will never get one of those from my Ellie. 

As much as I love my own mother, and my grandmother, and the other mothers in my life who I am close to, it is still difficult for me to see past my own grief to focus on my love for them.  All I can think about is how I just miss Ellie so much that I feel like I have cried an ocean already, and that my tears might actually run out.  I wanted to be her mother so bad, and I did everything I possibly could have to make it happen, and it still wasn't enough to keep her here. 

I know that some women who have gone through a loss prefer to ignore Mother's Day and get upset if someone wishes them a "happy Mother's Day," and I can understand their feelings to an extent.  Each person grieves differently and has their own way of handling events, and that is perfectly fine.  I, on the other hand, desperately wish everyone would acknowledge me with even a simple "I'm thinking about you and Ellison."  As a mother of an angel, I want to do all that is humanly possible to make sure that my little one's life, and memory, mean something to all those in my life.  She is such a huge part of my life, and I don't want anyone to forget that or think that I don't love her with all of my being even if she is not here to experience my love.  I'd like to think she knows how much I think about her or understands how deep my love for her runs, and I want everyone in my life to know that there is a hole in my heart in the shape of her - All 4 lbs. and 13 oz. of her.

So, I plan on spending quite a bit of time in her room tonight and tomorrow on Mother's Day, looking at her pictures and talking to her.  I'm also going to be planting two butterfly bushes for her.  She is my metaphorical butterfly who fluttered away too soon, and when I see butterflies it makes me think she is near. I may even venture out to the Roslyn center where the bench and tree are that were dedicated to all those babies lost too soon and spend some alone time in reflection - if I have the emotional energy to. 

I'm also going to go to lunch with my husband, parents, grandmother, and uncle and "aunt."  After all, their emotional support has helped me to keep moving forward.  Not to mention, I love my mother and grandmother very much, just as Ellison would have loved me and them, and celebrating that love is paramount, even if I may feel broken and incomplete without Ellison being a part of it.  My Mom, Gran, brother/sister-in-law/Natalie, and my "aunt" Sandy and Uncle Freeman all sent me cards and it means a lot to me to have that support system.  Natalie even drew me a little heart picture tonight at dinner and wished me a Happy Mother's Day.  Even a 4 yr. old can understand that I am Ellie's mother, and always will be.  And at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

The Wolf

I know I haven't posted in a while.  I feel fairly guilty about this, but no time like the present to begin again.  Today has been a whirlwind of emotions.  This morning, Doug and I participated in the local March of Dimes walk in memory of Ellison.  We were joined by family and friends.  The weather was beautiful and the company was even better.  To be honest I never thought I would have been participating in the March of Dimes the way that I was - in memory of my baby girl.  I always figured she would be walking with us as a preemie.  I never would have thought my life would have brought us to this point.  But now that it has, I feel that I at least honored her memory the best way that I could.  If we can prevent just one family from having to experience a loss like ours, then I know we have accomplished something during this journey.

It was nice having the support of our families and friends as we walked today for Ellie.  I've always said that I have to live for Ellison, but it was amazing to see others living for her as well.  It touched my heart.  I know she was looking down at us as we walked - I felt her love all around.  I couldn't believe how many other families were there walking for their loved ones - both living as well as those who had passed.  It was sad and surreal all at the same time.  It was also really nice catching up with old friends.  I always knew I had been lucky growing up to have so many positive friends in my life but now that I am older, I can appreciate this even more so now that they have returned to support me in my time of need.  All of them grew up to be amazing individuals who I respect very much and I'm so happy to have shared Ellie's story and her love with them. 

After the walk, we shared a nice lunch with my parents and Doug's parents.  We then prepared for the annual Service of Remembrance that is sponsored by the hospital I spent so much time in with Ellie.  I was not sure what to expect at this service.  It was hosted at the local Diocesan Center.  I had never been there before but it is a beautiful location set right on the James River.  My parents, Doug's parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and my grandmother attended.  Several of the individuals that attend the support groups I go to were there as well with their families.  The service was simple, yet profound.  A candle was lit for each baby whose brief life touched ours.  A few poems and readings were shared, and a chaplain gave a brief sermon of sorts - a sermon that talked about how we can use our loss and experiences for the positives of helping others who may face a similar loss in the future.  In others words, to be a light for them in the darkness just as others have been our light.  We then all went outside to the tree that had been donated and planted in honor of all the babies lost too soon and each family released a butterfly.  It was a very nice service, and I am glad that the hospital does this every year.

I ran into two of the nurses who attended to me during my long stint in the hospital and I was so happy to see them again.  I know that they all become so invested in their patients and when one experiences a loss, it effects them all.  They were all so good to me while I was there, both before and after, and I am so thankful for that.  As everything was wrapping up, I had a chance to speak with several of the hospital staff members and I shared with them how important I found this service to be.  When a family experiences a loss like that of a child who has yet to be born, we struggle with ways to keep that child's memory alive and share it with others.  This service allows us to remember the depth of our love for our lost children and honor that memory with those who truly understand our pain.  It is a healing service allowing us to grieve and find the strength to continue to move forward while always remembering.  No matter what the future brings for Doug and I, I am sure we will attend this ceremony every year.

Both of these events today have brought a whirlwind of emotions - sadness, joy, disbelief, and hope.  Think of an adjective and I'm sure it will describe how I have felt at some point during the day.  To those who shared in this with me, thank you for showing me that I can move forward and for supporting me when I've stumbled backwards.  As I last talked about a little in my last blog entry, it is sometimes hard to find the light in the darkness, but each of the memories I have from today have helped illuminate my positive path.  So with that, I wanted to share something a cousin of mine posted on Facebook not long ago which I find to be a very profound message:

An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. 
One is Evil.  It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego.  The other is Good.  It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth."  The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"  The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."

So with that, the wolf which gets fed is entirely up to you.  Some days it's hard not to feed the Evil one, but as long as you make an effort to feed the Good wolf more days than you feed the Evil wolf, you push the balance in favor of the Good.  And as I continue my journey, it's a goal of mine to focus on feeding the Good wolf.  I know there will be setbacks, but it's important to set goals and be proud of the progress that is made.  I woud have wanted Ellie to strive to feed the Good Wolf, so I should lead by example.  After all, mothers need to be good role models for their daughters, and she's my sweet, amazing, angel baby so I want to be the best mother I can be for her!

Friday, April 25, 2014

Revisiting

So I know I haven't posted in 3 days.  That's partly because I was actually enjoying a few night outings this week - one to a baseball game with family and family friends, one being spent with my husband before he had to go to work, and one for Girl's Night last night with the niece and sister-in-law.  Yes, I feel guilty that I haven't written in 3 days, but there's also another reason I didn't write any posts for the last few days...

The last couple of days I have been having rather strong bouts of anger.  Little things that shouldn't make me angry, are.  It's also been a selfish anger - the type of anger where you feel your problems are far worse than anyone else you know is experiencing, or at least you think that in your mind.  I've been angry over things I can't control, and I've been angry at things that I can.  I've also been having a hard time dealing with the anger.  I don't want to take it out on anyone or express it to others because it is a selfish anger.  I have talked, and vented, about it to my husband, my Mom, and my sister-in-law, and that has helped alleviate some of it.  But I can't shake that feeling that I just want to punch someone or something. 

I know that the grief cycle doesn't always flow perfectly.  Hence, I guess that's why the anger stage has reared its head again.  To be honest, I wasn't expecting it to return, but it did.  I guess that means that even if I get past this stage again, it will return at some other unforeseen time when I least expect it.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I was having a hard time processing the angriness - I'm not usually an angry person and it's hard being that person you don't want to be, or feel an emotion you don't like all the time.  But I need to face this just as I have faced the sadness, pain, etc.  The only way to deal with it is to forge through it.

My sister-in-law shared a few thoughts with me today in an effort to help me through this stage.  So I will share one of the thoughts with you all:  "The only way past the pain is through it.  You can't escape it.  You can't ignore it.  Pain, grief, anger, misery..they don't go away - they just increase and compound and get worse.  You have to live through them, acknowledge them.  You have to give your pain its due." - Jasinda Wilder.

So I'm giving my angry phase its due.  It's sitting there boiling under the surface and I'm doing my best to keep it from boiling over and out.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Safety

I attended a different support group meeting tonight.  It is extremely helpful being able to have support group meetings twice a month.  I've come to realize that there is safety in numbers.  This may sound strange but I feel safe being with those who can truly understand the pain that I feel on a daily basis.  These individuals often think the same thoughts I do, struggle the ways I do, and just get me when I talk about the loss of my child.  Unfortunately, they have been through the death of a child - and nothing compares to it.  We all realize we will never be the same and we can all embrace and support each other through something as simple as just talking in a circle.  No one else fully knows our pain, and though we all wish we did not have to experience it, at least we have each other. 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

First Easter

Today is Easter Sunday.  It would have been Ellie's first Easter.  A day when she would have been wearing a really cute Easter dress, and I would have loved showing her off to everyone at Easter dinner with the family.  Instead, she spent her first Easter in Heaven.  I'm sad knowing that she didn't get to have those first photos taken with a scary Easter bunny, or get to wear little bunny ears, or have everyone oh and ah over her.  Those special memories just won't happen, and there's not much more to say other than I am immensely sad and missing her very much. 

Easter is supposed to be a time of happiness.  A sign of hope and spring eternal.  It just somehow doesn't feel like that to me today.  Perhaps it is because this is the first Easter without her, or just because she's not here at all.  Either way, I'm not feeling overly joyous today like most others seem to be on this holiday. 

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Gran Note

As I was going through all of the cards we received from friends and family and trying to organize them into one place, the note my Gran had written to us ended up on top of the pile.  I have not shared it before, but I felt like sharing it tonight.  Since tomorrow is Easter, it seems like a good message to re-read.  Here is what she wrote:

"There is no way to know the pain you feel, There is no way to know the hurt that is only yours, There is no way to know the LOVE you hold so dear, There is no way to know how strong little Ellie is; Only God and time can make life better for you - But know our love for all of you is deeper than the deepest love." 

Then on the other side of the note was this:
"Yes, Ellie is your sunshine, your only sunshine, who will make you happy when skies are gray, you will never know, Case and Doug, how much she loves you, please never take that love away from you."

She is right on all accounts, as my Gran often is in her wisdom.  As I face our first Easter without Ellie, I'll be sure to read this note many times tomorrow as I think about our sweet daughter.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Traveler

So Doug and I went out to a Chinese restaurant for dinner.  I lost the battle because I really wanted Mexican - I was in the mood for some hard tacos.  But alas, I let him pick and we ended up at the Chinese restaurant up the road.  After a pleasant meal, it was time to read our fortunes from the fortune cookies.  Here is what mine said: "You are a traveler at heart.  There will be many journeys."

I feel like I've already had a thousand journeys.  But I suppose I have a thousand more journeys to take.  Hopefully, I'll have more happy journeys than sad ones to come.  At the moment, my heart is travelling to thoughts of my daughter..

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Jealousy

Last night during girl's night, I was hanging out in Natalie's room.  My sister-in-law had left the room, and Natalie and I had been preparing for a "party."  She happened to look down and grab my silicone bracelet.  The side that had Ellison's name on it in between two hearts was facing Natalie.  Natalie said that she loved the hearts and wanted to know what the words between them were so I told her it was Ellison.  Natalie looked at me and said "but we all know she died.  Why are we still talking about it, why don't you talk about me, I want you to talk about me now."  It caught me completely off guard.  I scrambled for something to say on the fly and I managed to tell her that I still miss and love Ellison, but that I can talk about her too.  I wasn't prepared for that and I wish I had given her a better answer. 

So after Natalie went to bed, I told my sister-in-law about the conversation.  She divulged that they've been dealing with a little jealousy from Natalie when it comes to Ellison.  We had all thought that when Ellie got here, Natalie might be a little jealous despite the fact that she was excited to have a cousin.  After all, she was going to have to share her spotlight for the first time.  So I suppose it makes sense now that she still feels that jealousy with having to share the conversation within the family with the topic of Ellison.  I guess I just hadn't realized that the jealousy would still exist with Ellie not physically being here.  I suppose it's how four year olds process things like this - now that I think about it, it makes complete sense.

Sometimes, the jealousy is hard to ignore.  I find myself being jealous of others' bundles of joy that seem to keep being born every day.  I'm jealous of their happiness, of the joy they get to experience holding their baby for the first time.  I'm jealous of watching all their babies hit important milestones.  Basically I'm just jealous that I did not get the same good fortune and that my baby is not here.  While no one is to blame, I still feel pings of this jealousy and have to continually come up with ways to deal with, or refocus, my feelings.  It's no different for Natalie as she struggles through different emotions - I guess it's just more difficult for her because she is so young and dealing with something way beyond her years.  In all honesty, I don't think at any age, it gets any easier when faced with a tragedy.  I'd say jealousy fits right into that grieving process.  It's right in there with anger some days.  I learn something new each day from a four year old - it really is amazing how profound children can be.  She's the cutest teacher I know.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Family

I won't write much tonight.  I had to be at work early today, and I have to be there again early tomorrow.  I just now got home from spending the evening with my sister-in-law and niece for "girl's night."  I think Wednesday evenings may be new favorite weeknights because I really enjoy all of the girl chats, even if most of them include the musings of a 4 yr. old.  It's like I always joke "#fouryearoldproblems."

I will, however, share one quote that this night has reminded me of - "Where there is lasting love, there is a family."  I love my family.  I love my little family which consists of Doug and Ellison, and the fur babies.  And I love my entire family.  We all share a lasting love and that is what makes our family special and profound.  Ellison is a big part of it even if she's not here to be surrounded by it, but I believe she can see, and feel, it from afar. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Two Months

Technically Ellie would have been two months old today if she had made it to her scheduled arrival.  I tried not to think about it most of the day but it's not possible to completely avoid it.  I think about what she would be doing right and what our lives would have been like with a two month old.  I think about how she would be smiling and taking part in "tummy time" and how we'd have our little routines worked out with her by now.  And then I look down at my wrist and see my pink bracelet that says "Mommy of an Angel."  The emotions are overwhelming and unavoidable.

My "Aunt" Sandy sent me an email the other day with a song in it that she had heard that she thought I would like.  I think the song about says it all for me today.  I wish so much that I could just call Ellie back to me and then she'd be here.  It's just one of the many crappy realities when you're the Mommy of an angel and you can't hold them and enjoy the little milestones...

Here are the song lyrics in my head right now - it's called "Sing You Back To Me" by Trisha Yearwood.

I'd like to write a song, a sweet and simple thing
And if I do it right, it'd the only one I'd sing
'Cause it would bring me everything I need
A song that I could sing you back to me

Sing you back, bring you back
A miracle of page and pen
You'd hear it and be here again
And always and forever there would be
A song that I could sing you back to me

There must be a million words and all I have to do
Is lay my heart upon those rare and magic few
Why can't it be as easy as it seems?
A song that I could sing you back to me

Sing you back, bring you back
A miracle of page and pen
You'd hear it and be here again
And always and forever there would be
A song that I could sing you back, bring you back
A song that I could sing you back to me

Monday, April 14, 2014

Pencils

Recently I've been following several support sites on Facebook and on the internet.  I haven't really contributed anything to them yet, but I've been selfish and taking insights from them along the way.  Sometimes they have different little sayings or pictures that hit the spot at the moment I view them.  As I read what others have written or shared, and I ponder what I write down in my blog on a nightly basis, I'm reminded of a quote in my book:  "We are all pencils in the hand of God" by Mother Theresa.

So I guess it's ok for me to be selfish and find comfort in others' words or pictures, just as others may find comfort in mine.  We all have something to say, and we're all trying to leave our carbon marks behind for a greater purpose.  The good thing to remember is that pencil marks can be erased.  It's nice to know that if one needs to re-word something or if a fresh start is needed, you can simply start a new sentence or paragraph in life. 

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Forward

I really miss Ellie today.  I've been doing spring cleaning all day to distract myself.  It seems that random days bring random feelings of emptiness.  This afternoon I found myself searching for inspirational words on the internet to push me on.  I can't be strong all the time and I do need pushes every now and then to keep pressing forward.  And then I stumbled upon this quote:  "If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward" by Martin Luther King, Jr. 

It's ok to crawl somedays.  Just like that saying, life is a marathon, not a sprint, well so too is grieving.  As long as I'm moving forwards then I'm accomplishing something.  Somedays I feel like sprinting through my emotions, other days I feel like crawling through them, but at least I'm confronting them, and that means I'm moving forward.  Today it just so happens that I'm slowly meandering through feelings of sadness because I miss her...I miss her a lot.  And that's ok because I'm still going forward...

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Spring Game

My parents, Doug, and I all went up to Charlottesville today to watch the football team's annual Spring Game - the Orange and Blue scrimmage.  The weather was nice, and we were invited to a free cookout beforehand to honor our perfect attendance at the home football games last season.  I had made it to all the games, both the brutally hot and quite frigid games (except for one when we travelled to Georgia for Doug's Grandma's 90th birthday), last season while being pregnant.  I guess that shows my dedication.

I had mixed emotions as to how going to this would make me feel.  I was very much looking forward to Ellie coming to a few games with us in the fall.  I am sad knowing that I won't be able to share these experiences with her.  But it was quite hot today sitting in those bleachers and I remembered thinking to myself that I certainly wouldn't have brought her with us.  She would only have been close to 8 weeks old and it was way too warm for her to be out in the sun for the game. 

It's funny how as I go along, I often think to myself about what I would and wouldn't be doing with her in various situations.  It's almost like I'm "mothering" someone that isn't even here.  I suppose it's just an instinct I'll always have regardless if she's here to see it or not.  But instead of "mothering" her today, I was at a spring football game with a painted stone in my pocket with an orange and blue "E" painted in the middle of it.  Besides my necklace, ring, and bracelet that I wear, it's the only physical object I could take with me to make me feel like she was there and a part of the experience.  I kept that stone in my pocket the whole time.  Now let's just hope it is a lucky stone that brings the team more wins than it did last year.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Say

After work I decided that I needed to cut the grass.  Yes, I often cut the grass.  It's not the most fun thing in the world to do, but it's not the worst either.  I'd rather mow than iron.  Strange, I know.  I like to plug my earphones in and just listen to music as I mow along, and then when I am done I like to marvel at how great the yard looks.   I make Doug do this marveling with me.

While I was zigzaging along, a song by Sara Bareilles came on.  I am sure most of you have heard it on the radio - it's called "Brave."  It talks about saying what you want to say, and basically just standing up for yourself and not being ashamed of doing that.  Here are some of the lyrics:

"Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?"

Sometimes I really would like to say exactly what is running through my head.  But I hold it back because it's either too angry, or too sad, or just plain depressing, or simply not appropriate to tell to the average person, or stranger, that I encounter.  I let most of the words out on here, but not usually in the course of my actual physical conversations with people.  Some people I'd like to just tell off every once in awhile and usually for random things, but I don't find that to be "brave."  Sometimes being the bigger, or stronger, person during the course of the conversation is the most brave thing one can do.  Even refraining from commenting on something when you really want to is a brave accomplishment.  There's always another way to spread your message, and it's often more positive than a rash reaction.

So I think when I hear this song it reminds me to continue to say my words on here and spread the truth of my experiences.  It may not be the best to do so in person, but here I will make sure I am never silent and the words will fall out.  It's good to have an outlet, and this I find to be the most productive.  Maybe one day I will be more brave and be able to let my words fall out, in a positive way, in front of people.  But I'm just not there yet. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Kindergarten

While I was at work I realized that my sister-in-law and brother would be signing up my niece for kindergarten during the day.  I had to stop and reflect on this for a few minutes.  I can't believe she is getting so big and growing up so fast.  I guess kids have a funny way of doing that.  I thought some about that quote that you often hear "All I really need to know I learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum.

Maybe that statement is completely accurate.  Many life lessons are learned in that classroom more so than in all the other school years.  It's your first exposure to the wonder of learning and in some way, it's really your first exposure to entering the real world.  Whether you are home schooled, or go to a private school, or a public school (like I did), you start your greatest cultural and educational journey in an organized fashion when you begin kindergarten (or whatever you may call it if you go the non-public school route).  You have to start learning responsibility, and time management, and how to tie your shoes, and how to read, etc.

I started thinking about how excited I was for Natalie to begin this next chapter in her life.  I also knew how hard it was going to be on my sister-in-law because she is growing up and sometimes that's scary.  It would be hard on me if I was in her shoes and I was having to sign Ellison up for kindergarten.  Unfortunately, I'll never get to experience that with Ellie or fully experience these emotions, but I can still feel the emotions that other mothers feel.  We talked a little about this on the phone when I called to check on my sister-in-law.  It's scary having to send your child off into the real world.

What's even scarier is knowing that sending them off into the real world means having to allow them to experience all the ups and downs that it has to offer.  And maybe in kindergarten that just means having to experience the good of learning something new or the bad of when someone doesn't share the toy with you.  But as they get older and move on up in grades, the goods and bads change.  And what we all learn, having been through this process, is that nothing can protect you from all the bads that may arise.

I learned this concept in kindergarten, and it's still true to this day.  Nothing could have protected me from this tragedy.  As much as I wish I could have been shielded from it, just as I wish Natalie gets shielded from negative experiences along her new journey, it's just not possible.  That's the real world.  Bad things do happen to good people.  Good things do happen to bad people.  Good things do happen to good people.  Fair is a nonexistent concept.  Some days life is amazing and sometimes life just sucks.  These are all just the facts of life.  We all learn this in kindergarten, but I think we sometimes forget that we have learned these things until we're faced with them again.

I just hope Natalie learns as much as she possibly can and I am so happy to know how excited she is to start her rite of passage.  She's got the whole world ahead of her, and the whole world at her feet, and the sky's the limit.  My Gran always told me when I was growing up to "hitch my wagon to a star" because life is what you make of it through both the good times and the bad.  I hope Natalie hitches her wagon to an even brighter star.  I know I'll be standing by her side through the good and the bad as life marches on, and I'll always have Ellie standing by my side as I march on.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Colorblind

So I know I've admitted this before, but I actually do watch Glee.  I love music and the show has introduced me to new songs and styles of music that I may not have discovered on my own.  Yes the story lines can be a bit over the top, but really, life can be a bit over the top anyways.  Anyways, last night one of the actors sang her own new song.  I found myself sitting there listening to the lyrics and they were spot on.  I immediately scoured the internet looking for that song by Amber Riley called "Colorblind."  Here are some of the lyrics that I identified the most with:

When the world is seeing yellow
I only see gray
When everybody sees the rainbow
I’m stuck in the rain...
You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams
Now I’m colorblind colorblind
When did my heart
Get so full of the never mind never mind
Did you know
That you stole the only thing I needed
Only black and white in my eyes
I’m colorblind....
 
I’ll wait
For roses to be red again
And I hate
That you took my blue from the ocean
Give me back green greens and goldens
My purples my blues you sold them
How long will I be broken...
 
To me, this explains what nature has taken from me when it took Ellison.  It's hard to put into words but I just feel betrayed by nature.  You're supposed to trust that everything will always be OK and flow naturally, and when it doesn't, your fundamental views of the world get completely shaken up and your world turns upside down.  It's like that other, more famous, "Colorblind" song by Counting Crows said: "I am covered in skin, No one gets to come in, Pull me out from inside, I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding, I am colorblind."  Suddenly, it's like these songs say, you come unfolded and undone, or colorblind in a metaphorical sense. 
 
And maybe in time the roses will be red again.  You really do want the naive views you held before to come back because you could trust things then - life was simpler because nature had your back.  I'm waiting for nature to have my back instead of turning its back on me like it did when Ellison was taken.  I don't want to be colorblind or undone, but I'm still broken and slowly working on becoming less broken.
 
 
 
 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Too Deep

C.S. Lewis said, "Life is too deep for words, so don't try to describe it, just live it."  I don't have many words today.  I'm coming down with something and I haven't felt my best.  But even when I feel my worst, I still think to myself, at least I CAN feel.  Ellison will never get to experience the best, and worst, that life has to offer, so I am trying to limit my complaining.  I can think back to the times when I was growing up and I thought that some event was surely too insurmountable and I pouted and felt miserable for myself.  And no words really ever comforted me now that I look back on this - but actions did.  As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.  Watching others carry on with life who have been in my shoes makes me realize that doing just that myself is what I need to do.  It's like that saying usually attributed to Francis of Assisi, "Preach the gospel, and if necessary use words."  Sometimes doing is just better than saying.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Goal

Today I checked my March of Dimes team page, In Memory of Ellison, and found out that with a little under a month to go until the walk I had raised $670.  I surpassed my $200 goal thanks to the generous donations of many friends and family members.  This makes me very happy.  I feel very strongly about the March of Dimes cause, as well as many of the other support group/research causes dedicated to preventing infant deaths and providing resources for those who unfortunately had to experience a loss of a baby.  It hits so close to home.  I know how much I love Ellison and how much she means to me, and how painful her loss has been, so I can relate to others on a level that cannot be understood by many.  And though I know it is impossible to completely prevent all terrible things from happening, perhaps just preventing one so that I could spare someone else from the cross I have to bear is a battle I'm willing to join.

I know I have been greatly comforted throughout this journey by many strangers who have donated their time and gifts and resources to help me, and it seems only fitting that I try to help give back to others.  It may not be much, but if I can contribute something towards the fight to prevent this from happening to another family, I will do it.  No one should have to experience the loss of their baby.  And while I could not save Ellison, perhaps I can help the cause to save someone else's daughter (or son) or God forbid, help them through this awful loss with the money raised.  So to all who have helped me reach my goal, or who have prayed for me and Doug and Ellison, or who are joining with us to walk in her memory and the memories of all the babies who have been lost too soon, thank you for helping me to fight on.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

First Love

While we were away for our little weekend trip, my Mom took care of our cats.  She said she spent some time in Ellie's room, and I'm glad she did.  It's good that she has some of her own time feeling close to her.  Now that we're back home, I feel like sharing a poem that was included in our picture package from the hospital.  It was written by Theresa Cochrane, and it's called "Oh Mother, my mother."

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.

Love, your child

This about says it all tonight.  I was her first love, and I'll always have that special bond. 

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Mountain Air

Doug and I decided to head up to Wintergreen for the weekend.  I figured the mountain air may do us some good.  Not to mention, sometimes it's nice to just get away from home and constant reminders.  The mountain air can help clear one's head, just as the beach air can (but unfortunately it's not quite beach season). 

The weather was perfect for hiking today.  Our dogs sure were happy.  Samantha had a big smile on her face as she found every mud puddle to play in, and Sabre is finally in his element on the mountain trail.  He may not be the brightest dog, but he sure can scale a mountain like it is nothing.  Luckily we took a long trail that paralleled a waterfall part of the way so the dogs were able to clean up and cool off.  The sound of the rushing water also helped clear my head some.

I've decided that no matter where I go or what I do, I'll never be able to outrun the sadness.  Only time will lessen the impact the sadness has on my every day activities.  Sometimes though I do wish I could just get a "timeout" from things.  As Doug and I were enjoying a nice dinner at one of the local breweries, I told him that sometimes I feel like it's just too much.  Having to face a tragedy like this really does just wear you down and I sometimes wonder if I can keep on fakin' it through. 

I'd like to not have to think about it all the time or be reminded of it constantly.  I thought I had a brief moment of this when I woke up and enjoyed a cup of coffee on the deck.  My mind was at peace and I was just enjoying the crisp, cool air.  A small bird landed right in front of me, and just stared at me as it chirped away.  I tried chirping back and it seemed to look at me like I was crazy (which I may be) but it continued to just stay there, not afraid of me.  When I got up to go get my Ipad to take a picture, it flew off.  But I decided to take a picture of the mountains in the background with the sun shining.  I went back inside and realized that there were these beautiful color streaks right in the middle of my mountain picture.  I figured it was Ellie telling me "Good morning."

So no matter how much I'd just like a break from things, time is just not on my side right now.  But at least I can enjoy the mountain air and dream of a future time when my mind may not be so burdened.  Of course, I'll never stop thinking of my little angel, but perhaps I'll be able to enjoy some "me time"  It might be on the horizon...

 

Friday, April 4, 2014

Pictures of Ellie

When I look at my pictures of Ellie, I feel torn between emotions.  They are beautiful to me, but they are also sad.  I find it difficult to process - how can death be beautiful?  It seems preposterous to think that those two concepts can be intertwined in such a weird way.  Pictures of her represent both death and life.  I imagine what her life would have been like when I stare at those various photographs.  But then, I see the face of death - discolorations of skin, pale and cool.  I almost always cry when I look through them.  In one of the photos, her little pouty face says it all.  It's just so very sad.  A beautiful disaster - she was very beautiful, but I guess too beautiful to stay here with me. 

As I look at all the photos that my friends share of their newborns, I feel numb.  I wish I had photos that I could share of her but they are not fit to be shared.  No one wants to have to look at death through a photograph.  I certainly never thought I would be.  All I can say is that she was the sweetest and most amazing creature - more beautiful than I could have imagined, and it's just a shame that the pictures do not do her enough justice. 

I wish I could see photo albums from Heaven - photos that reflect her smile or happiness in general.  There are many things that I wish I could change but unfortunately it is beyond my control.  I'll just have to relish the few photos that I do have of my beautiful angel and remember her as I knew her - as my pretty daughter.  In my eyes, she will always be the prettiest baby I have ever seen.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Words

It is much easier to write my thoughts down than to speak them.  Tonight I attended my monthly support group meeting.  It was another helpful session for me.  But I find that when I speak of Ellison, trying to convey my thoughts and emotions clearly is difficult.  However, as I sit down to type out my blog posts every night it seems that the words just pour through my fingers.  Perhaps it's just because it's easier to share things anonymously than to have to look people in the eye and maintain strength.

Nonetheless, I have words for today.  Today was like Christmas in April for me.  I knew that I was going to get my other hospital photo package at the meeting tonight.  It is almost sad to say that I was looking forward to this.  I suppose when the mementos you have to remind you of your child are so few, it makes them all the more special.  I had been eagerly awaiting them just as any mother would be for their photo packages of their babies except I unfortunately know the immense pain and sadness reflected in my baby's photos.  Knowing this, however, does not change the fact that I relish seeing my beautiful baby girl and how proud I feel to be her mother.  I was anxious to see them at the end of the meeting.

When my Mom arrived to pick up Doug and I to head over to the meeting, I also knew that she had a present for us that she had ordered.  It had finally arrived from Cypress.  I pulled it out of the bag it was in and discovered that it was a tiny, hand carved wooden music box.  The details in the carvings were amazingly intricate.  I opened the top to reveal a message carved on the inside "You are my sunshine Ellison Ann."  As I turned the little handle, the notes of "You Are My Sunshine" poured out of the little box.  It was beautiful, and I loved it.  It made me smile.

While waiting for the group meeting to start, I saw that I had received an email.  It was from my sister-in-law informing me that the present they had ordered had not arrived by my actual anniversary, but that it was here today and she knew I had my meeting so she would be leaving it in my mailbox.  Another present to look forward to.  Towards the end of the group session, we were provided smooth stones and paints to create a picture or write our babys' names on to either carry with us or to perhaps use in a garden, or just to have.  I created two for Ellie - one with just her name and some hearts on it, and the other in my two favorite colors (orange and blue) with just the initial "E."  Sweet - I had two more presents.  And as I was leaving group, I was given another surprise - a little remembrance pin to wear by one of the other attendees.  All of these led up to the present I had actually been eagerly anticipating for many weeks - the pictures. 

The pictures brought tears to my eyes.  I'll have to dedicate tomorrow's blog post to them because there are some other things I want to say specific to these.  But seeing them and some of the items included in the package made the wait worthwhile.  Anyways, when we made it home I immediately checked the mailbox for my other present.  The outside of the card said to open the gift first and then read the card.  I actually followed the instructions.  Inside the wrapped box was a little jade elephant.  Very pretty.  I then opened the card and first saw a colored heart Natalie had drawn us (I love that kid), and then I read the card my sister-in-law and brother had included.  On the inside of the card was this message:

A lucky totem for your anniversary

The elephant is considered an auspicious animal because the Chinese character for "elephant" has the same pronunciation as the Chinese word for "auspicious" or "lucky."  Jade elephants symbolize the ability to strengthen the union of a romantic couple, protect a home, inspire intelligence, dignity, longevity, vitality, power, strength, wisdom and prominence, and grant wishes.  According to Chinese tradition, an elephant with an upturned truck symbolizes happiness and good fortune.

Believe in the elephant!  What could it hurt!

PS Jade is also the 3rd Anniversary gemstone

As I read this, again I smiled.  I realized that sometimes that aren't even words for certain emotions that I feel.  Sometimes words aren't even necessary.  Words like happiness and sadness and thankfulness don't convey my feelings as I travel along my current path.  I try to find words to explain everything, but in certain cases, they don't.  As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words and if you could take a picture of me at various times, you'd probably get a better idea of how I'm feeling or what emotions I'm experiencing.  Today, my picture would actually show a genuine smile. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

3rd Anniversary

Today marks my husband and I's third Anniversary.  It's hard to believe it has been three years since we said our "I do's."  A lot has happened in those three years.  Celebrating tonight at dinner was a little bittersweet.  On one hand, I'm happy to celebrate my love for my husband and our marriage, but on the other hand I'm still feeling overwhelming sadness for the fact that our present to each other was lost on February 1st. 

As we enjoyed a nice dinner out, I told him that I was sorry that I did not get him a card and that I couldn't give him Ellison, but that I could give him all of the love I was capable of giving.  We talked about how so much has gone down in our three years of marriage and that we could at least say that we have faced many things that most couples do not survive and have come out stronger in our union.  It has been the best of times and the worst of times this past year, and at the end of the day I'm glad we have each other.  There have been bad days, but as my sister-in-law reminded me in an email, the "good" days have outnumbered the bad.  And that is the definition of a good marriage - that the "good" days by far outnumber the "bad."  Even when there are bad days, as we've recently had in dealing with the loss of our precious daughter, his love has pulled me through.  So we should celebrate our anniversary to honor our love for each other and be thankful for the things that we do have.  Ellison would be proud of us, just as we are proud of us, and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

In the words of Johnny Cash, for my dear husband, I walk the line.  I will continue to walk the line until the day I am no longer on this earth.  I walk it for him, for Ellison, and for me.  Three years in, and many more to come.  Perhaps we can even focus on future hopes and dreams together, all while remembering our precious baby girl in all that we do.

"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line"

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

April Fools'

I used to like playing April Fools' Day jokes on members of my family and loved ones through the years.  However, it hit me as I was walking down the stairs this morning on my way out of the door to go to work, that today was in fact April Fools' Day, and that in fact, the joke was on me.  Today Ellison should have been 6 weeks old.  Instead, Nature played a cruel joke and took her away two months ago.

It was a sad start to the day when this reality hit me.  But then as fate would have it, my Mom sent me a quote.  She had spent a while last night trying to tell me that I needed to reframe my views on luck.  It wasn't unluckiness that took Ellison away, it was just some terrible act of nature.  Luck had nothing to do with it.  She told me that she has never known me to be a negative person and that I've always tried to be positive in tough situations, and she wishes for me that I try to maintain this aspect of myself as I reframe my "new normal."  She told me she didn't want to lose her positive daughter.  I'm trying to listen to her words of wisdom and abide by them because I think deep down I know she is right on all points.

So this morning she sent me a quote to help me reframe my views on luck and to let me know that she loved me.  "Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter.  Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it" - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Unlucky

Sometimes it seems that I just have the worst luck in the world.  Even when things start to make it seem that our luck has changed, the unluckiness just swoops right in takes it away.  After such a long journey to even have Ellison, we finally made it past the first trimester only to have our hearts cut right out from under us in the third trimester.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to focus on the lucky when I'm always expecting the unlucky. 

They say when it rains, it pours.  Or as Mark Twain put it, "When ill luck begins, it does not come in sprinkles, but in showers."  With all of these negative occurrences that keep happening, I think my biggest challenge will be trying to accept the possibility that we might actually have our luck turn the tide one of these days.  It will difficult trying to convince myself that the other shoe is not going to drop and that we will finally get our happy ending. 

How can you believe that the sun will come out tomorrow when all you see is rain?  Doug is constantly telling me that I have to believe our luck will change for it to actually change.  I fear that he is right (I hate it when he's right..haha).  Now I just have to figure out how to make myself believe it.  Somedays it seems like I can, and then somedays it seems like that is the most impossible thing to believe in when all I have to compare it to is the past.  As I go through this journey, this is by far the hardest part - trying to find positivity in a field of negativity.  I pray each day that I can find this positive way of thinking and that the luck finds us again.  It's hard having to fight this battle amongst all the other ones...it's quite exhausting actually.  I believe I am the hardest enemy I'll ever have to face.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Garden

Yesterday marked two months since we lost Ellie.  And it's been raining pretty much all weekend.  When it rains and the sun does not shine it sometimes makes me feel even more sad.  But as I was leaving dinner with good friends, the sun had reappeared after a lengthy absence.  I realized April is right around the corner.  The weather should begin to get warmer and my Seasonal Affective Disorder should start to fade.  Warm, sunny days lie ahead even if I may not see them coming. 

Of course April showers bring May flowers.  So I'm sure the rain will still hang around some to dampen my mood, especially when it rains on days that mark sad milestones.  But that rain does serve a purpose - it allows the flowers to bloom and thus renews life.  And as Claudia Ghandi said  "If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden." 
And on I walk...

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Friendship Party

My parents were watching Natalie for a bit today because my brother and sister-in-law needed some time to run errands.  So they invited me to join them for lunch over at my Gran's.  When I got over to my parent's house, Natalie was coloring pictures.  As my sister-in-law was getting ready to leave, Natalie mentioned that her, and mommy and daddy, were going to have a "friendship party" when she got back home with them this afternoon.

We asked her what a "friendship party" entailed.  She got up and emphatically said that a "friendship party" was a party to show others that you care for and love them.  That sounded wonderful to me.  She had learned it from the Disney Juniors channel.  It made me think about how much my friends and family have helped me through my loss.  While no parties have been thrown, and parties aren't really appealing to me in general at the moment, just hanging out with my friends and family has shown me that I am loved and cared for by so many. 

I may not be the best company all the time, but having company certainly has been a blessing.  It was nice hanging out with my good friends last night for a bit and catching up.  It helped me to realize that it's good to not talk about or think about what I'm missing all the time but rather to start focusing on what I do have which is love and support.  Friendship parties, in whatever form they take, are bright spots in a sometimes dark world.  Leave it to a four year old to remind you of this.  As Albert Einstein would say, "out of clutter, find simplicity." 

Friday, March 28, 2014

The Sky

As I was driving in to work this morning, I noticed how pretty the sky looked.  It seemed like half of the sky was this bluish gray color, and then there was a sharp line where the other half turned into a yellowish orange pink sky.  It made me realize that I haven't been noticing things like these pretty skies recently.  It made me think of a quote by C.S. Lewis:  "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." 

When I make a more concerted effort to look at things like the sky around sunrise and sunset, it will remind me both of her absence as well as her presence.  I'm reminded of her absence now as I prepare to watch my team play in the Sweet 16.  It would have been the perfect opportunity to dress her in a little UVA outfit and I would have loved that memory.  But at the same time, as I head out to meet up with some of my friends as the sun sets, her presence is apparent in the pretty colors of the sky.  It's only fitting to think that her beauty is reflected in the skies and that she's painting me a picture.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Bill-Bill

Today, March 27th, marks the one year anniversary of my grandfather's passing.  It's hard to believe it has been a year.  We've experienced emotional highs and extreme emotional lows during this past year.  I'm sad that he wasn't here to experience the news of my pregnancy, but I'm glad to have spared him from the extreme sadness of her loss. 

Natalie calls my grandfather Bill-Bill.  I grew up just calling him Bill (my grandmother remarried when I was fairly young so technically he's a step-grandfather, but to me he's just my grandfather).  I had great love and respect for him.  He taught me many things as I grew up - life lessons on compassion, generosity, love, hard work, and devotion to family.  Even when he became very sick, his love and devotion never waivered.  He was a tough ol' bird and survived many health issues that most would not have had the strength to make it through.  He was a great person, and I miss him very much.

So after work, I headed over to the cemetary to chat with Bill.  I spent maybe 15 minutes just talking to him at his graveside.  I told him what a crazy year it had been since he had passed.  I told him to give Ellie a big hug and kiss for me, and to tell her that I missed her.  I told him that I hoped he got to enjoy her grow and thrive just as I had done growing up with him.  I told him to take good care of her and that I was leaving it up to him to watch over her.  I also told him to tell the Big Man up there to finally let up on the unluckiness and challenges that He kept throwing at us.  As I said that last bit, the wind suddenly picked up and started blowing very fast.  I took it as a sign that Bill was telling me that it was all going to be OK and not to worry.

Lastly, I told him that we were taking care of "the elderly" (i.e. Gran) for him.  See, I used to joke with him and my Gran that every time I called to check on them it was because you were supposed to check on the elderly regularly.  Every time it got cold, I'd call and make sure "the elderly" had their heat on and were warm enough.  I told them it's because the news said to check on pets and the elderly.  I used to be quite the jokester and prankster.

I know how much Bill loved my Gran, and how much she loved him.  It was an unconditional love, just as I have for my Ellison.  So I know he has to worry about her still, just as she worries about him being away from her.  I assured him that we would do anything for Gran just as he would have.  I then concluded by saying that it was his job now to worry about Ellie and make sure she was always with him so she never felt alone or distant from her family.  The last thing I told him was that I loved him and missed him. 

I'm not sure if he hears me during my occassional graveside chats, or if Ellie hears me when I talk to her, but I feel that it helps me stay connected to them both.  I think it's good to talk to your loved ones who have passed.  As Marcus Cicero said "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." So tonight I'm remembering my special grandfather and my daughter, who are together now, but away from us.  I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was extremely sad having to accept this reality...

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A Small Glimmer of Hope

My post will be short tonight.  Doug and I spent the evening babysitting my niece.  She sure is a crazy, beautiful handful and I love every minute of it.  As I was watching her wrestle and climb all over Doug like a jungle gym, I was a little bit sad but yet had a small glimmer of hope thrown in there. 

I was sad thinking that Ellie would never get to do that with her Dad like Natalie was doing with her uncle.  But then I also thought how nice it would be to one day give Ellie a brother or sister and know that she was watching from her little slice of heaven as he or she wrestled with Doug.  I sometimes feel guilty for thinking these types of thoughts because I don't want for others to think that I am trying to replace Ellie or move on (which will never truly happen because I literally miss her all the time) but every now and then I get a glimpse of a future with new hopes and dreams in it.  It feels happy and sad all rolled into one but it does give me a glimpse into a world of "what can be."  And though I'll still feel my "what should have been," it's nice to know that the possibility of a "what can be" does exist in my new normal reality.  And it's nice to see a little glimmer of it every now and then as I navigate my way through each new day.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Angel's Footsteps

I do not have much to say today.  I'm guess I'm not feeling overly verbose, for once.  I will share one ironic thing that has occurred today.  After watching Jeopardy this evening (yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that - I learn something new each show, and sometimes I even know some, or a lot, of the answers depending on the day), my husband turned the channel to an old Law and Order re-run. 
Of course the story line revolved around a little girl named Ellie.  As that song goes, there's "Always something there to remind me....I was born to love you, And I will never be free, You'll always be a part of me."

As I was singing that song in my head, I thought of another quote I felt like I wanted to share.  Apparently this quote was written on a church wall in Upwaltham, England and I stumbled upon it a long time ago:

"I will not wish thee riches nor the glow of greatness, but that wherever thou go, some weary heart shall gladden at thy smile, or shadowed life know sunshine for awhile.  And so thy path shall be a track of light, like angel's footsteps passing through the night." 

Ellie is my track of light.  And I need to pass it on and follow the wishes in this writing on the wall...

Monday, March 24, 2014

Incidentally

My only real accomplishment for the day, besides completing some little projects at work, was going to the running store and buying a new pair of shoes.  It has been well over a year since I've gotten new shoes, and my knee reminded me of this the other day on my walk.  Getting a new pair of shoes was the most excitement I had all day.  That's sort of sad but I'm still pretty wiped out because yesterday was a fairly rough day emotionally.  Luckily part of the day yesterday was spent with those that I love to help ease my sadness.

I had spent the afternoon/evening over at my parents' house along with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece.  We had a movie watching party - apparently I was one of the handful of people (along with the rest of my family minus Natalie) who had not seen the movie Frozen.  I've heard that song about a million times (you know the one by the wickedly talented "Adele Dazeem") but had no idea about the rest of the movie.  It was a good movie - I like the emphasis on strong female lead characters that Disney is starting to highlight (it's about  time).  At several points in the movie, I watched Natalie get really excited.  I liked seeing the big smile on her face as she seem captivated by the story.  I'm sure Ellison would have loved her smile too.  And I'm sure Ellison would have loved to have seen the movie when she turned four.

As I sat watching Natalie enjoy the movie, and even laughing myself along the line, I was reminded about how much love I do have around me.  I'm surrounded by love and that is such a wonderful feeling.  The love in my life is what makes life fun and interesting, even the immense love of a love lost.  It reminded me of a quote I had in my little quotes book.  Zelda Fitzgerald said "I don't want to live - I want to love first, and live incidentally."  I like that motto.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Due Date

Today - Sunday, March 23rd - was supposed to have been Ellison's actual due date.  I came into this world on a Sunday as did Doug.  It was only fitting that Ellison should have too.  According to folklore those born on Sundays are supposed to be lucky.  Apparently this did not turn out to be the case for Doug nor I.  We've been unlucky in so many ways.  I guess we were lucky in the sense that we got to spend 8 months with Ellie, but unlucky in the sense that we will never get to spend any more time with her. 

I read on a website that those born on Sundays are ruled by the Sun.  Because of this, the child will never be satisfied with anything dull or ordinary in their lives and they will always be like a ray of sunshine with their aura of lightness and brightness. The associated colors are Orange, Gold, Yellow and the bright sunny colours.  I'd like to think this describes Doug and I to some extent (especially my love of the color orange), but it does make me sad to think that we won't be able to see this in Ellison.  Perhaps this is why when I think of her, the song "You are My Sunshine" pops into my head.  She was supposed to be our ray of sunshine bringing us happiness and joy.  Instead, missing her has brought us sadness and lost hopes and dreams. 

My very dear Grandfather passed away on March 27, 2013.  The one year anniversary of his passing is coming up in a few days.  I had been hoping that Ellison would be here to bring my Gran some joy at a time when we will no doubt be sad.  But instead of us celebrating life with Ellison here, my grandfather will be celebrating time with her.   It does help ease my pain some on this day to know that he is probably up there holding her for me.  And hopefully my childhood dogs are with them with Ginger being the ever present "herder" following them wherever they go and with Cookie probably sharing space in Bill's lap with Ellie on the other side.

Keeping with my A.A. Milne kick from yesterday, here's another quote that is fitting for this day:
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

The Smallest Things

Today has been a rather pleasant day.  I went over to my brother and sister-in-law's house and played with my niece outside while they did some chores.  Then we went and had a nice lunch.  When we got back, I helped her color some pictures - I am certainly not an artist.  I always knew that would have been the one thing I could never have helped Ellie with as she was growing up - I cannot draw animals or really any kind of object that is more complicated then a basic tree or flower.  But I can color with the best of them and enjoy coloring books so I guess it would have worked out if Ellie was the coloring book type.  I think about her as I'm coloring or playing with my niece.  I like to think that she is there in spirit playing along with us.

After I kissed my niece as she went down for her nap, I left and headed over to the craft store.  I wanted to pick up some loom bracelet supplies to resume my bracelet making and I also wanted to pick up a loom for hat making.  I had seen a news story the other night that was about a woman who had begun making newborn and preemie hats to donate to a local hospital when she was just a teenager.  It made me think back to the fateful night we lost Ellie and how volunteers had made a hat that she was wearing when we said our final goodbyes.  While on bedrest I had also learned the basics of needle knitting with the other ladies that were "longtermers" in the hospital like I was.  I was not very good at this version and my hat that I finally finished pales in comparison to the knitted hat Ellie was wearing.  I did, however, get into the looming, and after seeing the news story that showed this woman donating her time and energy to loom knit preemie hats for the hospital, it got me interested in perhaps taking up the hobby again.  Who knows if I'll ever make any decent ones (it's never as easy as it looks in the videos...), but if I do I'd like to donate them too.

I returned home to drop my supplies off and then I headed back out to meet my friend at the park.  It was a fairly nice day so we decided we'd go for a nice long walk.  It felt good to be back outside and starting to get into a habit of exercising again (I kicked my own butt last night at the gym and was paying for that today).  As we walked and talked, I noticed all the families who were out at the park today.  I'd like to think that Ellie was there in spirit with me during this as well.  I would have brought her with me I'm sure on many walks like this.  I enjoyed the nice long walk and finally went back home, spent a little time with my husband before he had to go to work, and made my first loom bracelet since being in the hospital.

All of the little events today made me think about Ellie being here in spirit with me as I went about doing them, and how she will be there in spirit in anything that I do in the future.  I noticed as we put my niece down for her nap that she had a Winnie the Pooh book in her room that they have been reading to her a little bit each night before bed.  This made me think about the multitude of quotes by A.A. Milne that perfectly reflect how I feel and think.  But here is one that sums up how I feel about Ellison today, and every day.

“Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”


Friday, March 21, 2014

A Thousand Years

I have officially made it through my first week back at work.  And now I am completely exhausted.  After 12 weeks of near inactivity, something seemingly as simple as going to work each day for eight hours has wiped me out.  As I was walking out of the office with a co-worker to head home I even commented on how I was looking forward to the one nice day we were going to get this weekend and I might even go for a nice long walk somewhere.  Just as I felt a momentary glimpse of what resembled happiness, a colleague who was a floor up (it's an open atrium near my office) yelled down that he was glad to see me back and wanted to know "how is the growing family doing?"  I just shook my head, looked at my co-worker, then turned and responded "It's going Ok."

I did not feel like shouting back up to him that we lost Ellison for everyone to hear.  I figured it would just be easier to say something short and quickly leave before he followed it up with something else.  As soon as I uttered the words though, I felt guilty.  I've talked about feeling like I need to tell people the truth about Ellison and not just ignore it or pretend that it did not happen.  It would certainly be easier to just pretend that everything is fine "with the baby" to get out of an awkward conversation.  But it does not feel right to do that.  After all, I'm proud that I did get to be her mother even if it was for too short of a time, and people need to know this. 

She is very special to me - she is my world - even if she is looking down on me from someplace else.  I do not want people to ever think that I am ashamed to be her mother, or that because I never got to hold her while she was living that she somehow does not count.  She is always in my thoughts and will always hold a special and unique place in my heart because she is my daughter.  She has touched so many lives beyond mine and Doug's.  I need to be strong enough to never avoid the "awkward conversation."  It seems only right to tell her story to others even if it is painful for both me and them to hear. 

Just like the song I heard today as I was doing some work and closing out my first week back in the grind, I will love her for "A Thousand Years."  Here are some fitting verses of that song that are speaking to me at this moment:

I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more
 
And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more



Thursday, March 20, 2014

One Month

As I was watching the news this afternoon I realized it was supposed to be the "International Day of Happiness" to mark the start of the spring season.  And as much as I love the springtime, somehow I just don't seem that happy about this occasion.  Ellison's not here to celebrate this and be happy, and I don't much feel like celebrating anything these days because she's not here with me.  Maybe by this time next year I'll start getting back to feeling more happiness and perhaps it will increase each year as we welcome spring, but right now I'm just not feeling it..

I did not bring this up on Tuesday - or March 18th - but it would have been Ellison's one month birthday. It's hard to believe that we should have had a one month old right now but instead we just had to watch the date come and go without our little girl here to enjoy it. I was too busy trying to cope with my issues at work to really grasp this concept and talk about it the other night. I'm sure I'll know at all times exactly how old she would have been...

Doug was really supportive on Tuesday after my "terrible, awful" day at work and he had to hear me let out all of my emotions as I brought up the fact that Ellison would have been one month old.  I just broke down and he just hugged me tight telling me that it would all be OK.  His words of encouragement reminded me of a John Lennon quote. "Everything will be okay in the end.  If it's not okay, then it's not the end." 

While everything does not seem OK now, it just means that it's not the end.  There's got to be something positive coming on the horizon.  I keep finding myself staring out the windows looking for what it may be...

I'll end by saying that on Tuesday night after my cry session with Doug I watched Glee.  There was a cover of a song called "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavigne in the show that seems to fit the topic.  On this International Day of Happiness, I'm sitting here singing this in my head...

"You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Grace and Gratitude

I am two for two - another individual at work today asked how the baby was.  I was better prepared this time, but I'm not sure it went any easier.  Luckily, I had a nice "girl's lunch" to take my mind off of things and then when I got home, I had two packages waiting for me.

Several days ago my uncle's girlfriend, who is a very special member of our family, sent me a piece she had ordered from this business.  It was a beautiful "Bluebird of Happiness" - a small, blue piece of shaped glass that looked like a little bird.  I immediately placed it next to the figurine my Mom had gotten me about a month ago.  Then, I went online and checked out Terra Studios.  In addition to the Bluebird of Happiness, they also make a Pink Bird of Hope which is for those have worked for a cure for breast cancer or who have given hope to others through their battles - my Mom is one of those survivors so I plan on getting her this if she does not already have one.  I also then noticed that they offered another line of glass pieces called "Grace and Gratitude." 

The Grace piece was a pretty little pink angel that was described as this on the website:  "Grace is our pink angel and a wonderful memento of the angels in your life. Or give Grace to offer support, express kindness, or bestow blessings."  This spoke to me as a great way to have a reminder of my angel Ellie while I was at work.  I figured if I placed the Grace angel on my desk I would feel like I had Ellie watching over me to help me through the day.  Well, my Grace angel arrived today and it couldn't have come at a better time given my last two experiences at work these past two days.  Now I'll be able to look at the angel on my desk every time I need Ellie to give me more strength.

The second package that was waiting for me was sent from another sweet family member.  I opened it and read this message: "Please receive this shawl.  Wrap it around you.  May this shawl be for you A mantle of security and well-being...Sustaining and embracing you in good times and difficult ones.  May it bring you comfort From all that appears too much to bear  From all that feels as if it might break you  From all that threatens your peace of heart.  Rest within its softness So that you will be cradled in Hope, Kept in Joy, Graced with Peace, And wrapped in God's love." 

Inside was a handmade shawl that a church's "Prayer Shawl Ministry" had made and sent for me.  According to the note enclsoed Prayer Shawl Ministry is worldwide ministry movement of small groups who gather to pray and create shawls for people facing life changing events, both happy and sad.  They are prepared in a spiritual environment creating a prayerful relationship between the creator and the recipient.  Shawls have been made for centuries to wrap, enfold, comfort, cover, give solace, mother, hug, shelter and beautify.  "Each shawl is created prayerfully, intentionally, and with love."  How amazing is that?  Complete strangers made this specific shawl on my behalf to show love and comfort during my life changing event.  I am beyond touched by this and will forever cherish it and keep it in Ellie's room to wrap around me when I need to be comforted.  Ellie will have her little blanket that wrapped her, and I will have mine.  A bond that only we will have. 

So to those strangers,  I have nothing but gratitude to offer you.  I am now filled with grace from my my angel and gratitude for those who have touched my life through this.  This has provided me with a good ending to my day - a promise of hope for tomorrow.  It's making me think that I need to continue my loom bracelet making for those who are dealing with their own pregnancy loss or who are struggling through their baby's premature birth and health issues as a way to "pay it forward."  Even though it's just a small gesture perhaps it would remind someone else that they are not alone...