Today marks 9 months since we lost Ellison. Instead of posting cute pictures of her in her first Halloween costume, I'm sitting here typing this blog. I'm not even sure what we would have dressed her up as but I guess there's no point in trying to figure it out now. She would have made a cute monkey or maybe even a lil' bean, which was my pet name for her when I was pregnant.
It's been awhile since I've posted on this blog. Some days I feel like writing something, but then I just can't make myself sit down long enough to do it. It's been a long nine months. I realize pregnant women often say that when they're going through the stages of pregnancy. I even had those thoughts as I was sitting in a hospital bed on the morning of February 1st. Thinking to myself, "I can't wait until February 18th when she's finally here." Only, she never made it and here I am, 9 long months later, still wondering why.
Some moments it feels like I am still laying on that bed hearing those words "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." The immense loss still weighs on me every moment. I guess each day has gotten a little less intense, but it doesn't take much to bring all the pain right back. I didn't think Halloween would have been that bad. It's never been one of my favorite holidays, and I never really got into the whole dressing up thing or coming up with some crazy outfit to wear out. But sure enough, all I could think about was how fun it would have been to get Ellie all dressed up and have everyone say how cute she was. Her and her cousin would have been adorable together and thousands of pictures would have been taken. But that didn't, and won't ever, happen, and it's piercingly painful.
Some days I wonder if I'll ever have the opportunity to dress up a little one for Halloween. I guess it's hard to feel optimistic when nature seems destined to prevent that. I keep trying to believe it will happen, and Ellie will get her rainbow sibling. I see other couples achieve it after loss, but it just doesn't seem to be working out for us. I keep wondering why God, or Nature, or whatever, hates us. Why a couple with so much love to give has no one to share it with? When you want something so bad and you just can't get it, it magnifies what you've lost so much more.
I made it through Halloween but it was more painful than I imagined. These first holidays without her are just going to be terrible. I know this. I'm just wondering if all holiday joy will be lost for us forever. I used to love Christmas. I'm just not so sure I'll ever love it as much again. And Thanksgiving, what's there to be thankful about? Without her here, it doesn't seem like there is anything to give thanks for. Yes, I've got my amazing husband and family, but I don't have my child - the one we longed for for so long and finally had in our sights just to lose her without explanation. My hopes and dreams died with her, and who knows if they are ever coming back. These firsts - holidays, birthdays, etc. - just amplify the sadness and we'll just have to figure out how to survive them.
