You never know what you're going to get. You never know what lot you are going to get in life. You never know what battles you're going to face along the way, or what crosses you are going to have to bear. You never know if nature is going to be kind, or unkind, to you. These are all lessons I have learned, and that have shaped my worldview. From Forrest Gump to real life, there really is no way to know which chocolate you will have to taste along the way.
These past few days have been eye opening. Last night (Friday), I attended the beautiful wedding of a beautiful couple. As I watched them walk down the aisle, exchange their vows, and light their unity candle, it brought back memories of Doug and I's magical day. It reminded me of how amazing that life event was, and how lucky I was to have shared it with my best friend over three years ago. Hearing others take those vows helps remind you of all that marriage means and how momentous that step is in your life. I watched the happy couple experience all of those wedding day emotions - nervousness, happiness, hopefulness, and even a little fear perhaps. There is always that fear of the unknown, of having to begin a new phase and say goodbye to the familiar, and to have to start a new journey with a trail that has been unblazed until now. I remembered how Doug and I felt on our wedding day - full of hope and joy for the future, and remembering, and being able to smile about those feelings in particular was nice. It has been awhile since I have been able to smile when thinking about the joy for the future.
Later at the reception, a wave of unexpected emotion hit me as I watched the gorgeous bride, looking like a princess, dancing with her dad. I remember my wedding dance with my father and how special of a moment that was. And then I thought to myself that Doug will never get that magical dance with his daughter, our Ellie. I will never get to watch that special moment shared between father and daughter on her wedding day. She will never have a wedding day and Doug and I have been robbed of this future happy memory. I fought back tears as these thoughts entered my mind during those few minutes at the reception. Doug put his arm around me - he knew exactly what I was thinking. The joy for the future I had caught a glimpse of during the wedding ceremony had almost dissipated just as soon as it had appeared.
In fact I began thinking about how my Mom was supposed to have been babysitting Ellie that night. As soon as I had received the "Save the Date" wedding card in the mail back when I was just about 5 months pregnant, I asked my Mom if she would babysit. And of course she had gladly accepted and was happily looking forward to it. If things had turned out differently, she would indeed have been looking after our three month old daughter. Unfortunately, our box of chocolates did not allow us to choose this outcome. I have to face this reality just as I have had to every day since February 1st.
Today, my Mom and I traveled up to my alma mater to watch my idol, Peyton Manning, deliver the Valedictory speech to the graduating Class of 2014. I was member of the graduating Class of 2004. Exactly 10 years ago from May 16, 2014 I was walking down the Lawn at UVA getting ready to embark on a new chapter in my life. Now ten years later, I'm still having to turn the pages over in my book of life. Each page has been different, and lately the chapters have been darker than previous ones, but as the pages continue to turn, hopefully the lighter, happier chapters will again reappear. I thought about all of this as I waited for the ceremony to start.
Peyton's speech lived up to the expections I had developed in my head. His words of wisdom were poignant and his delivery was impeccable. He talked about having to face the unknown - equating it to crossing the San Andreas fault. Having to jump from one side of that fault to the other is scary, but once you do, the path ahead is limitless and as vast as you imagine it to be. He talked about exuding kindness - he advised that many think that the real world is cruel, and that it can be if you choose to be unkind but it does not have to be if you make the decision for yourself to be kind and spread that vision with those around you. Well, he is right - the real world has been unkind to me, but I can still choose to be kind to others around me and through that kindness, I can help to enact change. I do believe that - I do believe I can make the most of my situation and use it to help educate others or support others.
He advised that the graduates should choose a passion, and use their time, money, or talents to further that passion. Well, my passion is to support others in their grief journeys as best as I can - and this blog is one of those ways I can do that. I see it is a reciprocal cycle - this helps me through my struggles and in turn, may help others. I may be no expert in grief psychology, or be any wiser than the next person, but as Peyton reminded everyone, "amateurs built the arc; experts built the Titanic." We all have something to offer and contribute, and that is what is most important. We should all strive to be leaders in some way, shape, or form, even if it is on a small scale.
So to Peyton Manning, I say thank you. Thank you for sharing your life wisdom with the graduating Class of 2014, and with me, a UVA alumni who is facing a much different unknown. Seeing other perspectives helps to sometimes clarify your own as I have talked about before, and today's lessons have been positive. My only regret is that Ellie was not here to have gone with us. Even if she would have been much too young, and completely disinterested in watching a sports legend speak, I would have been able to tell her all about it when she got older. I would have been able to share with her Peyton's speech, and relished the fact that she got to see my idol even if she didn't remember it. I know a piece of her was with me and I know she knows how happy I was to have been able to experience this.
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