I know I haven't posted in a while. I feel fairly guilty about this, but no time like the present to begin again. Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. This morning, Doug and I participated in the local March of Dimes walk in memory of Ellison. We were joined by family and friends. The weather was beautiful and the company was even better. To be honest I never thought I would have been participating in the March of Dimes the way that I was - in memory of my baby girl. I always figured she would be walking with us as a preemie. I never would have thought my life would have brought us to this point. But now that it has, I feel that I at least honored her memory the best way that I could. If we can prevent just one family from having to experience a loss like ours, then I know we have accomplished something during this journey.
It was nice having the support of our families and friends as we walked today for Ellie. I've always said that I have to live for Ellison, but it was amazing to see others living for her as well. It touched my heart. I know she was looking down at us as we walked - I felt her love all around. I couldn't believe how many other families were there walking for their loved ones - both living as well as those who had passed. It was sad and surreal all at the same time. It was also really nice catching up with old friends. I always knew I had been lucky growing up to have so many positive friends in my life but now that I am older, I can appreciate this even more so now that they have returned to support me in my time of need. All of them grew up to be amazing individuals who I respect very much and I'm so happy to have shared Ellie's story and her love with them.
After the walk, we shared a nice lunch with my parents and Doug's parents. We then prepared for the annual Service of Remembrance that is sponsored by the hospital I spent so much time in with Ellie. I was not sure what to expect at this service. It was hosted at the local Diocesan Center. I had never been there before but it is a beautiful location set right on the James River. My parents, Doug's parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and my grandmother attended. Several of the individuals that attend the support groups I go to were there as well with their families. The service was simple, yet profound. A candle was lit for each baby whose brief life touched ours. A few poems and readings were shared, and a chaplain gave a brief sermon of sorts - a sermon that talked about how we can use our loss and experiences for the positives of helping others who may face a similar loss in the future. In others words, to be a light for them in the darkness just as others have been our light. We then all went outside to the tree that had been donated and planted in honor of all the babies lost too soon and each family released a butterfly. It was a very nice service, and I am glad that the hospital does this every year.
I ran into two of the nurses who attended to me during my long stint in the hospital and I was so happy to see them again. I know that they all become so invested in their patients and when one experiences a loss, it effects them all. They were all so good to me while I was there, both before and after, and I am so thankful for that. As everything was wrapping up, I had a chance to speak with several of the hospital staff members and I shared with them how important I found this service to be. When a family experiences a loss like that of a child who has yet to be born, we struggle with ways to keep that child's memory alive and share it with others. This service allows us to remember the depth of our love for our lost children and honor that memory with those who truly understand our pain. It is a healing service allowing us to grieve and find the strength to continue to move forward while always remembering. No matter what the future brings for Doug and I, I am sure we will attend this ceremony every year.
Both of these events today have brought a whirlwind of emotions - sadness, joy, disbelief, and hope. Think of an adjective and I'm sure it will describe how I have felt at some point during the day. To those who shared in this with me, thank you for showing me that I can move forward and for supporting me when I've stumbled backwards. As I last talked about a little in my last blog entry, it is sometimes hard to find the light in the darkness, but each of the memories I have from today have helped illuminate my positive path. So with that, I wanted to share something a cousin of mine posted on Facebook not long ago which I find to be a very profound message:
An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth." The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?" The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."
So with that, the wolf which gets fed is entirely up to you. Some days it's hard not to feed the Evil one, but as long as you make an effort to feed the Good wolf more days than you feed the Evil wolf, you push the balance in favor of the Good. And as I continue my journey, it's a goal of mine to focus on feeding the Good wolf. I know there will be setbacks, but it's important to set goals and be proud of the progress that is made. I woud have wanted Ellie to strive to feed the Good Wolf, so I should lead by example. After all, mothers need to be good role models for their daughters, and she's my sweet, amazing, angel baby so I want to be the best mother I can be for her!
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