Mother's Day

How can a day that is supposed to be filled with love and joy bring so much sadness?  Instead of having a three month old love of my life to spend the day with and celebrate Mother's Day with, I'm left staring at pictures and missing my girl like crazy.  I'm the mother of an angel.  While that sounds so glorious to others who tell me "your baby is in Heaven" and "Isn't God's glory wonderful" and so forth, to me it is just a terrible reality.  I don't feel glorious knowing that my baby is not here with her loving parents who would have shown her all the love in the world.  It doesn't make me happy at all to have to spend my Mother's Day watching other mothers get little keepsake crafts and cards made by their children knowing that I will never get one of those from my Ellie. 

As much as I love my own mother, and my grandmother, and the other mothers in my life who I am close to, it is still difficult for me to see past my own grief to focus on my love for them.  All I can think about is how I just miss Ellie so much that I feel like I have cried an ocean already, and that my tears might actually run out.  I wanted to be her mother so bad, and I did everything I possibly could have to make it happen, and it still wasn't enough to keep her here. 

I know that some women who have gone through a loss prefer to ignore Mother's Day and get upset if someone wishes them a "happy Mother's Day," and I can understand their feelings to an extent.  Each person grieves differently and has their own way of handling events, and that is perfectly fine.  I, on the other hand, desperately wish everyone would acknowledge me with even a simple "I'm thinking about you and Ellison."  As a mother of an angel, I want to do all that is humanly possible to make sure that my little one's life, and memory, mean something to all those in my life.  She is such a huge part of my life, and I don't want anyone to forget that or think that I don't love her with all of my being even if she is not here to experience my love.  I'd like to think she knows how much I think about her or understands how deep my love for her runs, and I want everyone in my life to know that there is a hole in my heart in the shape of her - All 4 lbs. and 13 oz. of her.

So, I plan on spending quite a bit of time in her room tonight and tomorrow on Mother's Day, looking at her pictures and talking to her.  I'm also going to be planting two butterfly bushes for her.  She is my metaphorical butterfly who fluttered away too soon, and when I see butterflies it makes me think she is near. I may even venture out to the Roslyn center where the bench and tree are that were dedicated to all those babies lost too soon and spend some alone time in reflection - if I have the emotional energy to. 

I'm also going to go to lunch with my husband, parents, grandmother, and uncle and "aunt."  After all, their emotional support has helped me to keep moving forward.  Not to mention, I love my mother and grandmother very much, just as Ellison would have loved me and them, and celebrating that love is paramount, even if I may feel broken and incomplete without Ellison being a part of it.  My Mom, Gran, brother/sister-in-law/Natalie, and my "aunt" Sandy and Uncle Freeman all sent me cards and it means a lot to me to have that support system.  Natalie even drew me a little heart picture tonight at dinner and wished me a Happy Mother's Day.  Even a 4 yr. old can understand that I am Ellie's mother, and always will be.  And at the end of the day, that is all that matters.