Revisiting

So I know I haven't posted in 3 days.  That's partly because I was actually enjoying a few night outings this week - one to a baseball game with family and family friends, one being spent with my husband before he had to go to work, and one for Girl's Night last night with the niece and sister-in-law.  Yes, I feel guilty that I haven't written in 3 days, but there's also another reason I didn't write any posts for the last few days...

The last couple of days I have been having rather strong bouts of anger.  Little things that shouldn't make me angry, are.  It's also been a selfish anger - the type of anger where you feel your problems are far worse than anyone else you know is experiencing, or at least you think that in your mind.  I've been angry over things I can't control, and I've been angry at things that I can.  I've also been having a hard time dealing with the anger.  I don't want to take it out on anyone or express it to others because it is a selfish anger.  I have talked, and vented, about it to my husband, my Mom, and my sister-in-law, and that has helped alleviate some of it.  But I can't shake that feeling that I just want to punch someone or something. 

I know that the grief cycle doesn't always flow perfectly.  Hence, I guess that's why the anger stage has reared its head again.  To be honest, I wasn't expecting it to return, but it did.  I guess that means that even if I get past this stage again, it will return at some other unforeseen time when I least expect it.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I was having a hard time processing the angriness - I'm not usually an angry person and it's hard being that person you don't want to be, or feel an emotion you don't like all the time.  But I need to face this just as I have faced the sadness, pain, etc.  The only way to deal with it is to forge through it.

My sister-in-law shared a few thoughts with me today in an effort to help me through this stage.  So I will share one of the thoughts with you all:  "The only way past the pain is through it.  You can't escape it.  You can't ignore it.  Pain, grief, anger, misery..they don't go away - they just increase and compound and get worse.  You have to live through them, acknowledge them.  You have to give your pain its due." - Jasinda Wilder.

So I'm giving my angry phase its due.  It's sitting there boiling under the surface and I'm doing my best to keep it from boiling over and out.