Unlucky

Sometimes it seems that I just have the worst luck in the world.  Even when things start to make it seem that our luck has changed, the unluckiness just swoops right in takes it away.  After such a long journey to even have Ellison, we finally made it past the first trimester only to have our hearts cut right out from under us in the third trimester.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to focus on the lucky when I'm always expecting the unlucky. 

They say when it rains, it pours.  Or as Mark Twain put it, "When ill luck begins, it does not come in sprinkles, but in showers."  With all of these negative occurrences that keep happening, I think my biggest challenge will be trying to accept the possibility that we might actually have our luck turn the tide one of these days.  It will difficult trying to convince myself that the other shoe is not going to drop and that we will finally get our happy ending. 

How can you believe that the sun will come out tomorrow when all you see is rain?  Doug is constantly telling me that I have to believe our luck will change for it to actually change.  I fear that he is right (I hate it when he's right..haha).  Now I just have to figure out how to make myself believe it.  Somedays it seems like I can, and then somedays it seems like that is the most impossible thing to believe in when all I have to compare it to is the past.  As I go through this journey, this is by far the hardest part - trying to find positivity in a field of negativity.  I pray each day that I can find this positive way of thinking and that the luck finds us again.  It's hard having to fight this battle amongst all the other ones...it's quite exhausting actually.  I believe I am the hardest enemy I'll ever have to face.

Garden

Yesterday marked two months since we lost Ellie.  And it's been raining pretty much all weekend.  When it rains and the sun does not shine it sometimes makes me feel even more sad.  But as I was leaving dinner with good friends, the sun had reappeared after a lengthy absence.  I realized April is right around the corner.  The weather should begin to get warmer and my Seasonal Affective Disorder should start to fade.  Warm, sunny days lie ahead even if I may not see them coming. 

Of course April showers bring May flowers.  So I'm sure the rain will still hang around some to dampen my mood, especially when it rains on days that mark sad milestones.  But that rain does serve a purpose - it allows the flowers to bloom and thus renews life.  And as Claudia Ghandi said  "If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden." 
And on I walk...

Friendship Party

My parents were watching Natalie for a bit today because my brother and sister-in-law needed some time to run errands.  So they invited me to join them for lunch over at my Gran's.  When I got over to my parent's house, Natalie was coloring pictures.  As my sister-in-law was getting ready to leave, Natalie mentioned that her, and mommy and daddy, were going to have a "friendship party" when she got back home with them this afternoon.

We asked her what a "friendship party" entailed.  She got up and emphatically said that a "friendship party" was a party to show others that you care for and love them.  That sounded wonderful to me.  She had learned it from the Disney Juniors channel.  It made me think about how much my friends and family have helped me through my loss.  While no parties have been thrown, and parties aren't really appealing to me in general at the moment, just hanging out with my friends and family has shown me that I am loved and cared for by so many. 

I may not be the best company all the time, but having company certainly has been a blessing.  It was nice hanging out with my good friends last night for a bit and catching up.  It helped me to realize that it's good to not talk about or think about what I'm missing all the time but rather to start focusing on what I do have which is love and support.  Friendship parties, in whatever form they take, are bright spots in a sometimes dark world.  Leave it to a four year old to remind you of this.  As Albert Einstein would say, "out of clutter, find simplicity." 

The Sky

As I was driving in to work this morning, I noticed how pretty the sky looked.  It seemed like half of the sky was this bluish gray color, and then there was a sharp line where the other half turned into a yellowish orange pink sky.  It made me realize that I haven't been noticing things like these pretty skies recently.  It made me think of a quote by C.S. Lewis:  "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." 

When I make a more concerted effort to look at things like the sky around sunrise and sunset, it will remind me both of her absence as well as her presence.  I'm reminded of her absence now as I prepare to watch my team play in the Sweet 16.  It would have been the perfect opportunity to dress her in a little UVA outfit and I would have loved that memory.  But at the same time, as I head out to meet up with some of my friends as the sun sets, her presence is apparent in the pretty colors of the sky.  It's only fitting to think that her beauty is reflected in the skies and that she's painting me a picture.

Bill-Bill

Today, March 27th, marks the one year anniversary of my grandfather's passing.  It's hard to believe it has been a year.  We've experienced emotional highs and extreme emotional lows during this past year.  I'm sad that he wasn't here to experience the news of my pregnancy, but I'm glad to have spared him from the extreme sadness of her loss. 

Natalie calls my grandfather Bill-Bill.  I grew up just calling him Bill (my grandmother remarried when I was fairly young so technically he's a step-grandfather, but to me he's just my grandfather).  I had great love and respect for him.  He taught me many things as I grew up - life lessons on compassion, generosity, love, hard work, and devotion to family.  Even when he became very sick, his love and devotion never waivered.  He was a tough ol' bird and survived many health issues that most would not have had the strength to make it through.  He was a great person, and I miss him very much.

So after work, I headed over to the cemetary to chat with Bill.  I spent maybe 15 minutes just talking to him at his graveside.  I told him what a crazy year it had been since he had passed.  I told him to give Ellie a big hug and kiss for me, and to tell her that I missed her.  I told him that I hoped he got to enjoy her grow and thrive just as I had done growing up with him.  I told him to take good care of her and that I was leaving it up to him to watch over her.  I also told him to tell the Big Man up there to finally let up on the unluckiness and challenges that He kept throwing at us.  As I said that last bit, the wind suddenly picked up and started blowing very fast.  I took it as a sign that Bill was telling me that it was all going to be OK and not to worry.

Lastly, I told him that we were taking care of "the elderly" (i.e. Gran) for him.  See, I used to joke with him and my Gran that every time I called to check on them it was because you were supposed to check on the elderly regularly.  Every time it got cold, I'd call and make sure "the elderly" had their heat on and were warm enough.  I told them it's because the news said to check on pets and the elderly.  I used to be quite the jokester and prankster.

I know how much Bill loved my Gran, and how much she loved him.  It was an unconditional love, just as I have for my Ellison.  So I know he has to worry about her still, just as she worries about him being away from her.  I assured him that we would do anything for Gran just as he would have.  I then concluded by saying that it was his job now to worry about Ellie and make sure she was always with him so she never felt alone or distant from her family.  The last thing I told him was that I loved him and missed him. 

I'm not sure if he hears me during my occassional graveside chats, or if Ellie hears me when I talk to her, but I feel that it helps me stay connected to them both.  I think it's good to talk to your loved ones who have passed.  As Marcus Cicero said "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." So tonight I'm remembering my special grandfather and my daughter, who are together now, but away from us.  I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was extremely sad having to accept this reality...

A Small Glimmer of Hope

My post will be short tonight.  Doug and I spent the evening babysitting my niece.  She sure is a crazy, beautiful handful and I love every minute of it.  As I was watching her wrestle and climb all over Doug like a jungle gym, I was a little bit sad but yet had a small glimmer of hope thrown in there. 

I was sad thinking that Ellie would never get to do that with her Dad like Natalie was doing with her uncle.  But then I also thought how nice it would be to one day give Ellie a brother or sister and know that she was watching from her little slice of heaven as he or she wrestled with Doug.  I sometimes feel guilty for thinking these types of thoughts because I don't want for others to think that I am trying to replace Ellie or move on (which will never truly happen because I literally miss her all the time) but every now and then I get a glimpse of a future with new hopes and dreams in it.  It feels happy and sad all rolled into one but it does give me a glimpse into a world of "what can be."  And though I'll still feel my "what should have been," it's nice to know that the possibility of a "what can be" does exist in my new normal reality.  And it's nice to see a little glimmer of it every now and then as I navigate my way through each new day.

Angel's Footsteps

I do not have much to say today.  I'm guess I'm not feeling overly verbose, for once.  I will share one ironic thing that has occurred today.  After watching Jeopardy this evening (yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that - I learn something new each show, and sometimes I even know some, or a lot, of the answers depending on the day), my husband turned the channel to an old Law and Order re-run. 
Of course the story line revolved around a little girl named Ellie.  As that song goes, there's "Always something there to remind me....I was born to love you, And I will never be free, You'll always be a part of me."

As I was singing that song in my head, I thought of another quote I felt like I wanted to share.  Apparently this quote was written on a church wall in Upwaltham, England and I stumbled upon it a long time ago:

"I will not wish thee riches nor the glow of greatness, but that wherever thou go, some weary heart shall gladden at thy smile, or shadowed life know sunshine for awhile.  And so thy path shall be a track of light, like angel's footsteps passing through the night." 

Ellie is my track of light.  And I need to pass it on and follow the wishes in this writing on the wall...