Thursday, March 27, 2014

Bill-Bill

Today, March 27th, marks the one year anniversary of my grandfather's passing.  It's hard to believe it has been a year.  We've experienced emotional highs and extreme emotional lows during this past year.  I'm sad that he wasn't here to experience the news of my pregnancy, but I'm glad to have spared him from the extreme sadness of her loss. 

Natalie calls my grandfather Bill-Bill.  I grew up just calling him Bill (my grandmother remarried when I was fairly young so technically he's a step-grandfather, but to me he's just my grandfather).  I had great love and respect for him.  He taught me many things as I grew up - life lessons on compassion, generosity, love, hard work, and devotion to family.  Even when he became very sick, his love and devotion never waivered.  He was a tough ol' bird and survived many health issues that most would not have had the strength to make it through.  He was a great person, and I miss him very much.

So after work, I headed over to the cemetary to chat with Bill.  I spent maybe 15 minutes just talking to him at his graveside.  I told him what a crazy year it had been since he had passed.  I told him to give Ellie a big hug and kiss for me, and to tell her that I missed her.  I told him that I hoped he got to enjoy her grow and thrive just as I had done growing up with him.  I told him to take good care of her and that I was leaving it up to him to watch over her.  I also told him to tell the Big Man up there to finally let up on the unluckiness and challenges that He kept throwing at us.  As I said that last bit, the wind suddenly picked up and started blowing very fast.  I took it as a sign that Bill was telling me that it was all going to be OK and not to worry.

Lastly, I told him that we were taking care of "the elderly" (i.e. Gran) for him.  See, I used to joke with him and my Gran that every time I called to check on them it was because you were supposed to check on the elderly regularly.  Every time it got cold, I'd call and make sure "the elderly" had their heat on and were warm enough.  I told them it's because the news said to check on pets and the elderly.  I used to be quite the jokester and prankster.

I know how much Bill loved my Gran, and how much she loved him.  It was an unconditional love, just as I have for my Ellison.  So I know he has to worry about her still, just as she worries about him being away from her.  I assured him that we would do anything for Gran just as he would have.  I then concluded by saying that it was his job now to worry about Ellie and make sure she was always with him so she never felt alone or distant from her family.  The last thing I told him was that I loved him and missed him. 

I'm not sure if he hears me during my occassional graveside chats, or if Ellie hears me when I talk to her, but I feel that it helps me stay connected to them both.  I think it's good to talk to your loved ones who have passed.  As Marcus Cicero said "The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." So tonight I'm remembering my special grandfather and my daughter, who are together now, but away from us.  I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was extremely sad having to accept this reality...

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