I had hoped for a child since I was a little girl - as I'm sure many women often do. Despite being a tomboy, I'd often play house or games of pretend that involved having a family. I'd see others around me grow up and have children, and it all seemed so easy and natural to do. Little did I know that that is not always the case. Regardless, I just knew I was meant to be a mother and I'd often daydream about my children's names (none of which made the final cut when thinking about naming Ellison) and the things I share with my children. As I entered my middle school years, I often butted heads with my own mother and thought to myself, childishly so, that that wouldn't happen with my children. How naive was that? As I matured and went off to college, my Mom became my best friend, and I realized that she was forever going to be my number one supporter and would always be there for me. It wasn't until I got older that I realized how much my parents had sacrificed for me over the years and how much they loved my brother and I. I knew I wanted to learn from their example with my own children.
When I first found out I was pregnant in July, I started thinking about how I wanted to parent and what I wanted to teach my child. After I made it past that first trimester and then learned that we were having a little girl, I had developed a lot of hopes and dreams for her, as I'm sure every expectant mother does when they think about the life they want for their child. Doug and I would often talk about these and sometimes even disagree. The only thing we always agreed on was that we would always work to be the best parents possible to her and we would work together. I never thought that Ellison wouldn't be here to know about all of these and I'm left brokenhearted knowing that she never will.
My main hope for Ellison was that she had a good heart. By that I do not mean that she would be perfect, because no one is perfect. I meant that I always wanted her heart to be in the right place. I knew she would make mistakes - lie, misbehave, sometimes say things she didn't mean. All children as they grow and mature do this as they learn right from wrong. But ultimately, I wanted her to know the difference between what was right and wrong in her heart, and try to act accordingly. And when she stumbled, I wanted her to be able to accept responsibility for it and learn from it. If nothing else, I wanted her heart to be full of love and optimism - to always give people the benefit of the doubt and then learn that if they disappoint you at some point, you can always seek out those that won't. I wanted her to love and accept everyone for who they were, and ultimately be a sweet girl.
I wanted her to know the importance of family. I was always raised to know and understand that family comes first, and I feel that this is how it should be. Friends come and go, and it's always family that will stick by your side no matter what and pick you back up when you fall. I wanted her to be close with her family and share in and enjoy all the family events that transpired. I wanted her to be close with her grandparents, and aunts and uncles, and extended family (great aunts and uncles, etc) that we were close to, and her cousins, and especially her cousin Natalie.
Before Ellison, Natalie was the apple of my eye (and now she still shares that with Ellison). She was my first niece, my brother's daugther, and holds a very special place in my heart. I love her as if she were my own and I would do anything for her. After all, she is a lot like me, and brings me so much joy. I see her pretty much every week, and if I don't, I miss spending time with her. For these reasons, and many more, I was very much looking forward to watching Natalie interact with Ellie. Natalie was so excited to have a baby cousin, and especially that she was going to be a girl. She would tell everyone at daycare that she was having a baby cousin and she would tell all of us that she wanted to share all of her toys with her "baby." She called Ellison "my baby." When my brother and sister-in-law corrected her and told her that she was Dougle's (that's what Natalie always called Doug - from when she was little and combined Uncle and Doug) and I's baby, Natalie would reply that "she is in my family, so she's my baby." And in many ways, she was right, because that is how our family operates. I hoped that Ellison would be close with Natalie, despite the age difference. Ellison was even going to go to the same daycare as Natalie so that they could at least be near each other often, even as Natalie went off to Kindergarten in the fall. I wanted Ellison to learn a lot from Natalie, and for Natalie to teach Ellison how to have a good heart.
I had hoped that Ellison would be smart. Even if she wasn't book smart (like I was) or as street-smart as her father, I just wanted her to always try her hardest. Even if she wasn't a straight A student, or was just average, or even if she struggled, it wouldn't have bothered me as long as she could always tell us that she had given it her best shot and tried her hardest. One thing that bothers me a lot is laziness, and I just wanted to make sure she was never lazy when it came to her responsibilities. Doug and I both had to work very hard to get where we have gotten in our lives, just as our parents had demonstrated for us, and I just wanted the same and more for Ellison. You always want your child to have a better life than you, and this was no different for Ellison.
Doug and I were both athletic growing up and still are to some degree, though I've been slowed by a bad knee and he's also got his own set of battle scars. We had no idea if Ellison would inherit this from us or not, and it really didn't matter. I would often tell Doug that I did not care if she wanted to play sports or not, or be a dancer, or be in the band, or be an artist. As long as she found something she liked and tried her best in whatever hobby she chose, regardless of whether she had talent or not, that is all I cared about. I remember telling Doug if she did choose to play a sport, I did not even care what sport she chose, I'd let her try it. I never wanted to limit her. If she wanted to play football, she could play football. After all, I love playing football and would even love to have a career in it if I could, so why would I tell her she couldn't at least try to play it? Just because she is a girl, doesn't mean she can't do what the boys do. I always tried pushing through gender bias, so who was I to tell her she couldn't. I remember having a conversation with her one day in which I was telling her that it was OK to be competitive as long as she was always a good sport. Doug and I are both competitive people, and sometimes we both struggle with being good winners and losers. I remember telling her that there is always a winner and a loser, and that she would experience both one day in some form or fashion (I'm not one of those who buys in to this whole new mentality that "everyone wins" and gets a medal). I told her that it was OK to win, and it was OK to lose, as long as she did both humbly and with honor. I didn't want her to gloat about her successes or ridicule others' losses, but just be glad that she had tried her hardest at whatever she had done and be proud of herself for that no matter the outcome.
I often wonder what sort of personality Ellie would have developed. Doug and I are both extroverts, and have to be the life of the party. Would she try to also steal all the thunder or would she be more shy? It didn't really matter to me as I would have loved her for who she was. Would she be a perfectionist like me, or more ADD like her father, or maybe somewhere in the middle? Would she be a more rational realist like me, or more of a spontaneous idealist like Doug? Would she be a tomboy or a princess? All I know is that I just hoped that she would be a happy child, full of life and adventure like her father and I. I'm fairly confident she would have been wide open and precocious, and I would have loved that about her. I'm also positive she would have been stubborn and strong-willed, and I would have loved that to. No doubt we would have had our hands full with her, and we were both looking forward to the challenge. It's a challenge we will no longer get to tackle.
I had many dreams that she would be successful in whatever she became. Whatever path she chose for her life, she would excel. While I did not necesarily want her to follow in Doug and I's career path, I would have supported whatever career path she decided upon (as long as it was legal, of course...). Some people want their child to be the next President, or astronaut, or doctor, or in some career that is respected and successful. I just wanted her to be able to make a difference in the world and leave her mark in a positive way. And I'm sure she would have.
I had dreams of sharing memories with her. I couldn't wait to take her to Holden Beach, see her face react to the sand and waves, and hoped that she grew to love the beach as much as I did. I wanted to take walks with her and go shelling with her, teaching her about all of the different shells. This is my place of comfort, and I hoped that she found that too during our future family vacactions there. I was looking forward to taking her on walks at the river at Belle Isle with the dogs, as one big happy family. I was looking forward to sharing holidays with her and seeing her face on Christmas morning as she got into the sense and wonderment of Santa and the joy that Christmas can bring. I wanted her to participate in our family traditions at Christmas - going to see tacky lights, reading "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," and eating cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning during brunch at Grammy's. I was looking forward to recording all of these memories as best I could for her to have as she got older. I had so many dreams of sharing things with her, that I can't possibly write them all down...
I was looking forward to taking her to Charlottesville often and to UVA for football games and maybe even some baseball or lacrosse games. I couldn't wait to dress her in cute little outfits of orange and blue on football gamedays and share one of my favorite pastimes with her . I hoped that she would grow to love this tradition too. While I secretly hoped she too would one day attend UVA, I don't think I would have cared where she ended up going to college - whether it be Stanford, Auburn, or a smaller school or community college- it wouldn't have mattered. I know I would explain to her that I would never be able to wear VA Tech colors or really enjoy going there, but if anything I would support her and wherever she chose to end up at.
There are so many other things we had hoped and dreamed for Ellison. Of course we hoped that she was also healthy, but even if she was born with or developed a disease, we'd do our best to care for her and cure her ailments. We probably shared many of the same hopes and dreams that other expectant parents had in some form or fashion. And I can't possibly record them all because there are just so many hopes and dreams that you have for your child. Basically, we just wanted to raise a good person. We just wanted to parent our child. We just wanted to watch our child grow and mature and find her way in this world. We just want our Ellie back. We wish more than anything she was still here to experience this love and it makes me so sad every minute of every hour knowing that she is not. It feels like there is a constant crushing weight sitting on my chest all the time, such that I can barely breathe, because I miss her so much and I'm just too sad to describe this loss adequately.
-I'm not sure what I'll write about tomorrow. Maybe the grieving process. I'm sure the thoughts will wake me up at 3 am such that I can try to put them into words tomorrow. Especially since today would have marked one week from when our planned c-section was to have been performed, and was supposed to be the one week countdown until we got to hear and see our daughter.
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