Hurt

As most people would probably agree, music can be a good source of comfort and can speak to you in whatever situation you may be in.  While most modern music tends to be upbeat, cliche, and fake, some of the classics really hit on heavier topics.  One of my best friends, though I haven't seen him since my wedding (which doesn't really matter because I love him no matter the time or distance), introduced me to Johnny Cash.  And my life hasn't been the same since (so thank you Ben!).  As many of you know, I can't stand country music, but Cash is so much more than country music - his songs fused so many different genres.  Shortly before he died, he did a cover of a Nine Inch Nails song called "Hurt."  I realize my life is no where near similar to Johnny Cash's life, nor would I really wish to have lived that kind of life, but I can relate to some of the emotions he portrays while he sings his version of the NIN song.  Who would ever have thought that Cash would ever consider covering a NIN song?  I never would have, but it is beautiful.

The song starts out like this: 
"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real"

Now, I realize that this sounds pretty dark.  And for the record, I would never physically hurt myself and I'm not having any thoughts along those lines (I feel I have to give this disclaimer so that no one thinks I need some sort of intervention or anything).  But it speaks to me on a different level than what the words are actually conveying.  To me, it talks about being numb.  Sometimes I feel so sad that I'm actually numb.  I can't even cry, and I think to myself, what's the point of even crying?  I can't make decisions - nothing excites me.  I'm just a blank slate.  And when you feel emotionally numb, sometimes you wonder if you're even still physically here.  If it wasn't for the soreness and pulling I still feel as I sit up or get out of bed or walk too much at one time, I'd really wonder if I was here because it doesn't feel like I am.  All this verse says is that pain is real - you can feel it, it hurts.  However, emotional numbness can't be felt - it just exists, and you just float through it like you're on a wave and things just pass you by and you just can't feel anything.

Thank God for Johnny Cash.  And Paul McCartney.  I  also feel that way about U2 as well.  I'm not a concert-goer, but if I could ever see one group in concert it would be U2.  I doubt I ever will, and I probably missed my chance when they toured in Charlottesville.  The main reason I will never get to see them live is that I wouldn't spend money on something like that for myself.  So, I'll just listen to their greatest hits CD and dream about it.  One of my favorite songs of theirs (although there are many) is "All I Want is You."  Now, most of those lyrics don't really fit into my coping with this tragedy, but the song title certainly does.  I'd imagine telling Ellison  that "all I ever wanted is you."  I'd probably play U2, and the Beatles, and Johnny Cash, and Queen for her, among others.  I'd make sure she developed an appreciation of the oldies (as these groups are probably now considered - which is sad).  I remember my grandmother always having the radio on in the kitchen listening to music from the 50s/60s and I loved it - I cherished those Saturday mornings at her house.  I'd hoped Ellison would feel the same emotions I did when listening to those songs, those true emotions, that were often conveyed in the lyrics of those oldies.

As I sit here, feeling like a blank slate, I wonder if Ellison even knows how much we are hurting down here.  I don't know what lies in the great beyond, or what it's like where her spirit is.  We all get taught about Heaven and how amazing it is, but we don't really know what it is nor could we grasp something fully that we haven't experienced.  I wonder if she's up there with all of the other children that were taken far too soon from their loved ones, making friends and holding hands and playing with Play-Doh or Legos, and feeling constant love and happiness.  I wonder if she's met Bill (my grandfather who passed in March of 2013), and he's teaching her all about fishing and the Civil War and passing on all of his wisdom to her.  Heck, I wonder if she's met Johnny Cash up there.  Some of the time I wonder if she can even hear us talking to her or watch us as we sit in her room in the rocking chair and cry.  I'd like to think that she can feel how much we love her and miss her, but the truth is I just don't know if she can.  I wonder if there's any point in doing all of this because I just don't know if she will ever realize the worldly pain we feel now that she is gone.  All of these thoughts invade my mind constantly, and have just left me numb.  I find myself sometimes rubbing my incision site or wiping away tears I didn't even know I had cried just to feel something - some sign of pain - to know that this is all real.

I hurt knowing that I will be a mother but will never get to experience any of the happiness that motherhood brings because Ellie, my daughter, is not here to bring me this happiness.  As Mother's Day comes and goes, I'll know that I'm not like all the other mothers out there.  After that day, the next important day will be my 32nd birthday, and I'll have to pinch myself just to feel a bit of pain so that I know that I'm still alive.  Each following holiday will bring these same reminders that I am actually here living and Ellie is not, and this is the type of hurt that artists like Johnny Cash and others sometimes tried to convey in their songs without even knowing how it would speak to me the way that it does.

-Tomorrow's topic will be called "Maybe I'm not doing enough..."