When we got married, we had two different reading selections that were read during the ceremony by two of my very dear friends - one was Dr. Suess's "Oh, The Places You'll Go" and the other was a poem by E.E. Cummings called "i carry your heart with me..." The first I would imagine I would probably have read to Ellison as she grew up. The second, ironically so, has become a very fitting expression of my love for her and what I'm left having to do. In case you've never heard of it, or read it, it goes like this:
"i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)"
This is considered by some to be one of the greatest love poems of all times and often is read at weddings. When I was researching different readings for my wedding, I ran across it and it just spoke to me. That is how I envisioned my love for Doug. We were to be bound by matrimony, but what we shared was so much more than what a ceremony could show. I thought Doug was THE love of my life - until I learned about Ellison. Not to say that Doug is not the love of my life because I truly love him so much, but when you find out that the two of you have created another human being out of that love, that little person becomes THE love of your life. It takes it to a whole other level. She was to be our pride and joy - the perfect epitome of how much we loved each other.
Now I'm left sitting here reading this poem and finding that it describes how I'm left feeling now that Ellison is no longer here with us. The only thing left I can do for Ellison is to forever carry her legacy on in my heart. I will never be without the thought of her and I no longer fear fate, just as the poem says. I used to think that I feared death - the thought of leaving this world frightened me because I felt like I had so much more living to do. Now, I've realized I don't necessarily fear this fate anymore because it will mean that I will get to finally hold Ellison again. Now don't go thinking I'm having any ridiculous thoughts - that's certainly not what I'm trying to say here. No one need worry about that. I'm simply trying to explain that mortality no longer really scares me. Put another way, if you've ever read "How Do I Love Thee" by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, you may be familiar with this part: "I love thee with the breath, Smiles,
tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death." No truer words could be spoken about my love for Ellison.
For those of you who don't know, I could very easily have lost my life in a vehicle crash on my birthday back in 2010. Fortunately, I escaped with only a nasty scar on my elbow as a reminder of what could have been. I often used to think I had someone or something looking out for me that night, and Doug was by my side shortly after it happened. That was one of the turning points in our relationship and I realized then how much he truly loved me - he realized what he could have lost that night. I think about this now because I've had various thoughts run through my head while dealing with the present tragedy that has befallen us. I think to myself that maybe losing Ellison was payback for saving my life then. Maybe it was karma coming back to haunt me. But then I think about what I thought about back then while I was recovering from the accident - I concluded that something was responsible for saving my life because I needed to stay here, that I had so much left to give to this world. I figured it was a sign that I had more to achieve. Ellison would have been one of those achievements and now that I'm left with just being able to carry on her legacy since she is not physically here, I will faithfully carry her legacy on in my heart for the rest of the life that I am given.
As I write this, I realize that today has been a very sad day, and I'm not sure why this day has been sadder than usual. I mean, every day is a sad day, but some moments I get more sad than others. I suppose this is normal when trying to work through this. Perhaps it's because tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I feel as if there is nothing to celebrate, or perhaps it's just that I miss her so much that I just get so sad at different times for unexplainable reasons. Nothing in particular has occurred today, I'm just feeling this way. In fact, I even spent time with my niece this afternoon since it was a "snow day" as a way to relieve the sadness. It helped some, but I still can't shake it today. I guess it's just a bad day - one of many I'm sure. And maybe it's because I have finally realized that all I can do is carry Ellison in and on my heart, and that thought is just so unbelievably sad. That's all I have left of her - what's in my heart.
- Since tomorrow is Valentine's Day (as if you didn't already know from all the ridiculous commercials/advertisements/etc...), I am sure that it will bring another difficult day for us to traverse through. As such, I'm sure my entry tomorrow will talk about my feelings on the holiday and so forth.
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