I have never been a big fan of Valentine's Day. I realize it's a day that is supposed to be dedicated to love and affection, so I guess there are good intentions behind it. However, I just don't understand why there needs to be a quasi-holiday created to celebrate those principles. Shouldn't you celebrate love and affection every day, not just on Valentine's Day? I don't need a card or flowers to know that my husband or family or friends love me. Don't get me wrong - those things are nice, and there's nothing wrong with doing special things for those you love, I just don't think it needs to be harolded so much just for one day. Perhaps my husband has gotten off lucky on Valentine's Day over the 4 years we've been together since I've never been a huge fan of this particular "holiday."
As I sit here and reflect on this day in particular, I'm left realizing that in 4 days we were supposed to be celebrating the arrival of our much anticipated bundle of joy. She was going to be the only present I had really been looking forward to my entire life. Finally, a possible reason to see Valentine's Day as a special day. A culmination of our love and affection for each other. And now, I'm just a hallway away from where her urn sits. My husband had to spend his Valentine's Day afternoon picking up the urn we had made to hold what is left of our beautiful daughter. Even writing those words brings a rush of intense sadness over me. What is there really to love and celebrate? All I have left to clutch to is my husband's hand and our unified sadness. As much as we love each other, we love Ellison even more and we can't even celebrate this because she's no longer here.
As I watch others' lives move on, I feel mine being stalled. I see their happiness, and I wish we could be experiencing it too. If just given the opportunity to, I would have done everything in my power to make sure Ellison had a happy life. If only. Now, I'm left fighting to make sure everyone knows about her and how much we love her. I'm writing this blog so that others can know her through me. Another one of my biggest fears is that her memory will fade in others' minds as they move on with their lives. I suppose it's only natural for others to move forward and on with their lives, and I'm sure the thought of Ellison will slowly be pushed to the backburner. But this will never be the case for Doug and I - Ellison will always be first and foremost in our minds and hearts. Her memory will permeate our everyday lives. As we wake up in the morning and see the sun shining, we'll think to ourselves "Ellison would have loved this beautiful day." I'm now faced with the reality that when I meet a new person or make small talk with someone, they will no doubt ask me if I have any children. And I'll have to say, "Yes, I had a daughter, but she passed away."
Because so many people love Doug and I, and Ellison, I've had lots of people reach out and want to help in some way. Unfortunately, there's really nothing that can help us through this situation except everyone's love and friendship and support. The meals, and texts, and thoughtful gifts have been uplifting. But the thing that I really want is Ellison back, or for time to be turned back, and no one can make that possible. All I can ask is that everyone remember Ellison. If you are blessed to have children, make sure you love them, hug them, enjoy all the little moments you have with them, and do so in honor of our little Ellie. Some of us are not as fortunate and won't be able to do this so please make sure that you do. I guess it's like that saying that goes something like "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Although, I don't think there is any harder battle to fight through in this life than the loss of a child. Nothing really compares to it, and it is a terrible, awful, unfair fight to begin with...
I was watching the movie "Silver Linings Playbook" the other night. Great movie - I appreciate the story and the characters. I remember thinking to myself, what will my silver lining be? No matter how positive I may try to be, I can't see a silver lining through all of this. All I can hope for is that others are learning about Ellison and our love for her, and that her story is being told as best as I can. After all, I'm not a writer - but I am her mother. So maybe that is a silver lining, it just doesn't feel like one. I'd rather her presence here be my silver lining.
-I don't know what my topic will be tomorrow. The title will be "Hurt," but I'll have to ponder what exactly I want to say. I'm sure it will come to me as I sit in Ellie's room tonight, play songs for her, tell her I love her, and stare out of her windown thinking about what was supposed to be...
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