When Tomorrow Starts...

I doubt my post today will be as long as it usually is - yesterday really zapped me of energy and cohesive thoughts for today.  Many of you are probably glad to see that this will be a shorter ramble, and I don't blame you.  I'm well aware that some of these may not be easy to read.  I'm surprised anybody really reads them at all - but I have gotten lots of encouragement from others that I have encountered at all different points in my life.  Many of them have said that they have taken a different viewpoint about their own lives and emotions after reading about my journey.  A friend the other day told me to "fight on," and so I must and so I will.  If just one person takes something away from Ellison, or from me, that would be a silver lining...

Being that yesterday was particularly hard, my amazing parents gave Doug and I a little something to show their love and support.  That just goes to show how incredible my parents are and I really can't be thankful enough to have them in my life.  One of the things that they got us was a little figurine of person carrying a heart (simple, sweet, and touching - just perfect), and one of the other things that was included in the gift was a card.  Folded up inside of that card was a poem that my father had found.  As I read it, the tears started falling.  It was the first time I had cried that day...

The title of the poem is "When Tomorrow Starts Without Me."  I tried researching it some on the internet to see who wrote it and could not find a definitive answer.  It appears to be a variation of a poem called "If Tomorrow Starts Without Me" which is attributed to David Romano.  I prefer the version my Dad found...So don't sue me if I haven't correctly cited the source (I made a good faith effort).  I'll copy it here for everyone to see:

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me,
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready, in heaven, far above,
And that I had to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
For my life had not long started, and I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much to learn and do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the times to come, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we'd share, it made me feel so sad.

If I could spend just one day, or even a little while,
I'd tell you how I love you, and show you my big smile.

But then I fully realized, that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.

And I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home,
When God looked down and smiled at me, upon his golden throne,

"This is eternity," he said, "and all I've promised you,
Today for life on earth is passed, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
And since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past.
My child, you were so special, I had to set you free,
So won't you take my loving hand, and share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.  (The end)

As I read this, I thought to myself that I had hoped this is what Ellison would be trying to communicate to me if she could.  Even though she was just this tiny, innocent person when she was taken, I just hope that she knows that we carry her in our hearts forevermore - in all the tomorrows that are to come, and with all the heartbeats that those tomorrows give me, she will be right there with me. 

-Tomorrow my post will be about my husband.  I feel that I need to talk about what an amazing man he is.  He would have been the best father Ellison could have ever imagined.  It seems to me that the hardest thing for a marriage to endure is the loss of a child, and I'm just so thankful to have my husband by my side through all of this.  Dealing with the pain of losing Ellison is gut-wrenching, but not having him holding my hand through all of this would make life totally unbearable.