My husband went back to work for the first time since February 1st. He said he felt anxious all night but was able to get through it without any major issues. I told him I was proud of him for being able to do it - I just don't know if I'd be able to handle it. It was the first night he's left me since we lost Ellison, and I almost didn't even know what to do with myself as I laid around. Luckily, my sister-in-law was nice enough to invite me over for dinner with her and my niece. My brother is out of town for work for a few nights, so it was just us girls. During her bathtime, I told Natalie that when it got warmer I wanted to go to the zoo to see the Cheetah cubs. I told her I've never been to the zoo here, and she couldn't believe it. She started talking about all the things we'd see there, because she's been. Another thing to add to my bucket list of things to do for Ellison. It was a nice visit, and hanging out with them makes me happy. So all in all, it was a nice way to ease into this new period I call the abyss.
It's an abyss because it's the unknown. I'll be forced to have to get myself to start doing things on my own. For four straight days and nights, my husband will be having to deal with reintegrating himself back into his old routine, and I'll be dealing with trying to get myself to accept having to be more independent. Now, I've always been an independent person - I was an independent kid, marching to the beat of my own drum if you will. But something like this makes you dependent - dependent on others to help you through it. Right now, I'm in the middle area - the abyss. To be honest, I'm not sure how it will go. I'll just discover how it will go as it happens - this is one of those things I can't control or predict. I'll just have to slowly wade around until I find my footing...
My sister-in-law asked me last night if I was jealous that Doug was getting to go back to work while I still could not. I told her no. I've thought about going back to work and how it might be a good distraction, but then I think about how all over the place I still am. My brain is still all muddled, and I can barely concentrate on any one thing - like I said in my other blog my mind is running about ten million miles a minute. I'd be afraid to snap at someone, or I'd probably get mad that some insignificant thing in the grand scheme of things was being made into such a big deal at work. As I've said before, my job can be skewed towards the negative most of the time, and I'm already hovering in that land of negativity and fighting it most of the time - I don't think I could handle all of that right now. Maybe in a couple of more weeks after some of the dust settles as they say. I do need to go back to re-establish a routine, like Doug, and to work on that whole re-integration into society that I've spoken about before. I do realize this fact. I'm good at what I do, and I need to find that zone again if I'm truly going to move forward. But thinking about it right now, right at this moment, it just reminds me of an abyss. A great big dark unknown.
Tonight I'm going to dinner with one of my best friends. I haven't seen him since before we lost Ellison. We are going to get sushi. I haven't had sushi for at least 10 months - I do sort of miss it. One of those sacrifices you have to make when you're pregnant. But seeing as how I'm not anymore, I guess it's time to get my feet wet again. We'll see if I still enjoy it like I did before. Another unknown. I may not even enjoy the same things I once did. But I will be glad to see him and spend a dinner out probably catching up on random gossip or other things. It will be a good distraction from my husband being gone for the night at work for his second night back. And I won't have to think about some of the normal thoughts that I do when I'm alone and left to reflect in the silence around me.
Eventually though, I know I'll have to face the silence and the loneliness and figure out a way to wade through that abyss. I'm going to be a work in progress, and I guess that is OK for the time being...A few days ago when I asked Doug how he thought he was going to do when he went back to work, he said a certain "song" popped into his head. It was out there, and something that I could understand would stick into his head because he tends to be a lot more optimistic than I am. It was a scene from "Finding Nemo." He said when life gets hard and he does not know what is going to happen or what he's going to do - he hears the song that Dory sings during the movie - "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.." This is spot on. When life gets you down, you've just got to keep swimming. So I'm just going to keep swimming through the abyss. And maybe, eventually, I'll reach the other shore...
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