What Should Have Been

As midnight came and went this morning, I laid in bed wide awake.  I thought to myself about what should have been.  I should have been wide awake, in that hospital room, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the new love of my life that was due to come into the world sometime in the next eight or so hours.  I know I would not have been able to sleep, probably consumed with excitement, nerves, and all the other jitters that expectant mothers feel knowing that their baby will be entering the world at any moment.  I'd be thinking about how our lives would be forever changed, for the better, and how I was entering the next phase of my life - that of a mother.  Something I had longed for since childhood. 

All of these are what should have been.  Instead of laying awake awaiting joy, I was laying awake overcome by immense sadness.  Ellison was supposed to have been placed into my loving arms on this day, but instead she was taken away from us before we had this opportunity.  I think back to that night we lost her and holding her in my arms.  Neither Doug nor I dared open her eyes - without speaking, we both knew that we could not bring ourselves to see her eyes for the first, and only, time knowing that there was no twinkle in them.  My friend gave us a print the other day that had Ellison's name on it, her date of birth and the time, and said "And to think, When her little eyes opened, The first thing she saw was the face of Jesus."  How profoundly true this is.  And yet, how profoundly sad and angry I feel about this.  I wanted more than anything for my face to be the first thing that her little eyes saw.  My heart is broken all over again knowing that this will never be possible.  It is what should have been.

I find certain things ironic, in a "sinking of the heart" kind of way.  I have not talked about this in my blog yet, but I feel now is the time to bring it up.  As soon as I was told I was going to be on bedrest for seven weeks, I thought to myself that I was going to write Ellison a book about her journey.  I had already started it during those first few days in bed - I had titled it "The Story of You."  I had already written two chapters - the first being about me and Doug and how we met, the second talked about Doug and I's love journey.  Everything that had led up to our wedding day was already completed and the last line in that chapter was "Another chapter in our life then began – our journey to have you."  I had told my family members and some of my friends and co-workers about this book I was writing.  I told them I was going to record everything so that when Ellison was 25, she could understand how much Doug and I loved her and what we went through for her.   As it turned out, my laptop battery died after these two chapters and I had to put my book on hold until the new battery arrived.   And now, how  tragically ironic it is that my story should pick back up here.  She will never be able to read her story and know the things I was trying to record for her. 

Something else happened today that was ironic.  When we found out we were pregnant with Ellison, we made the decision to finally pull the trigger on the plans to add an addition to our house.  We have two large dogs (who are the best dogs in the world - I'm not biased..) that have been residing in and taking up one side of our downstairs.  We had plans to move them out of that area and into a decent sized mud/storage room.  We wanted to transform what was the dog's room into a nice office/play room/extra family room.  We wanted to create more room for Ellison as she grew and her toys began to take over the house, as often happens when you have children.  We were planning for our future with her.  Well, today the finishing touches were completed on the addition.  The same day we were to have Ellison, we find out that the addition we planned on ultimately because of her arrival is done - isn't this terrible irony?  As we wrote out the cashier's check for the work, our hearts broke yet again.  As Alanis Morissette would sing, "Isn't it ironic, don't you think?"  It's just terribly, horribly ironic..

It has all finely sunk in that what should have been will never be.   Today, I went with my Mom to frame some pictures that were to have gone into Ellison's nursery to decorate the walls and to maybe give her a smile when she looked at them.  Now instead they are pictures to honor her memory.  Instead of thinking about having a party to celebrate her arrival and show her off to friends and family, we're going to have to think about how best to say goodbye to her at her memorial.  Today, more so than the rest, makes it hard for me to write about how I feel.  What is left of my heart is sitting in the pit of my stomach, and it feels as though I can't even remember how to breathe.  I can slowly feel the life being sucked out of me with each word.  The sadness I feel is unimaginable, indescribable, and eternal.  There is not much more that I can say. 

Almost 9 months ago, I prayed that this day would come - that we would finally get to hold our baby in our arms, and now today, I'm just praying to get past this day, to survive it.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs out of anger, yet the air is sucked out of me and I can barely utter a word.  I want to cry all day, but the tear ducts have run dry.  So I am just sitting here reflecting on what should have been and wishing it had all turned out the way it was supposed to on February 18th, 2014 - with the birth of our baby girl.  Instead, I'm just a mother who will never get to see her baby girl's eyes...


-Tomorrow the topic will be "When Tomorrow Starts..."  It will be centered around a poem my Mom gave to Doug and I today, knowing that it was going to be a tough day...