Sometimes during my moments of reflection, I wonder if I'm even doing enough to honor Ellison's memory. I may write my thoughts and emotions in this blog, but is that enough? Is thinking about her all the time enough? Is going into her room and telling her that I love her enough? What I really feel like doing is climbing to the highest point in the world and screaming at the top of my lungs about how much I miss her and how I just want her to come back. I want to tell everyone on this planet how amazing she was and how much I really miss her. I just want everyone to know that she existed and that we loved her more than anything in this world.
I also reflect on my life and wonder if I'm doing enough with it. Maybe I'm not a good enough person. I wonder if I should be doing more. Maybe I should be doing more volunteer work and giving back to others. I used to volunteer during my high school and college years, and I found it very rewarding. Maybe I should get more involved with the March of Dimes - I do want to walk in honor of Ellison this year, and every other year, and what better way to honor her than to do this. Maybe I should be doing more to help or support others who have also had to face coping with the loss of a child. I should just be doing more...
I sometimes even wonder if I'm fulfilling my life's calling. When I applied to UVA, I wrote on my application (yes, it was still a paper application back in 2000) that I might want to major in history and be a history teacher or perhaps chemistry to be a chemist of some sort (ironically, two of my favorite subjects at the time). Somehow that changed when I actually started attending classes and I switched to psychology and sociology because people and society fascinated me more than lab work and equations, and I didn't think I had the patience to teach at the time. Then, after college, I decided I needed a master's degree in Criminal Justice. I wanted to go into that field after my schooling because I thought it would be fascinating and challenging and rewarding and I'd be making a difference in this world, and because I had these unrealistic dreams that I'd be the next Clarise Starling from the "Silence of the Lambs."
Now that I'm in that field, I see how thankless it can be. You go in to it thinking you'll make a difference, and you work really hard, and oftentimes you feel disappointed and frustrated in the outcome, and in humanity in general. Sure it can be exciting, and you see lots of different things all the time, and no one day is the same as the next. But I don't know if I'm really making a difference or helping others by doing it. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the position I'm currently in - I feel that it suits my talents perfectly, and it does challenge me, but in this profession, your assignment can change at the drop of a hat. So I'm not guaranteed anything in my field. Naturally, all of this makes me wonder if I'm doing enough. Maybe I should have been a history teacher so that I could feel like I was making more of a difference in the life of a child. Maybe I should have continued with the chemistry and let it morph into something in the medical field - doctor or nurse even. What could be more fulfilling than healing someone or trying to save their life? I guess all this time I've had over the last two weeks has made me reflect on a lot of things to include my thoughts on what I'm really doing with my life.
And maybe all this reflecting about not doing enough volunteer work or not helping others enough through my job or making enough of a difference in this world is just a side effect of the grieving. I guess a part of me still feels guilty about feeling like I didn't do enough for Ellison. So how do I make up for that? I don't know if I'll ever be able to do enough to make up for it, at least in my mind. And I doubt that even if had I spent every waking moment helping others in some way, it would have even changed the outcome for Ellison - I realize this. But part of me wishes I could somehow feel like I was doing enough to at least honor her every day of my life, and I'm not sure what would accomplish this.
I also hope I can figure out a way to change our luck. I've never won anything in my life - a raffle, a lottery, a prize, anything. I just have constant bad luck. As you've read in my earlier blog entries, nothing has gone our way throughout this journey towards parenthood. Everything seems to be a constant struggle and life keeps throwing us lemons, and we just can't seem to make lemonade. I just want our luck to change and for something to go our way all the way to the end. I don't find that too much to ask for, but apparently, it must be for us. So if I could just figure out a way to change the tides, I'd do whatever I needed to do to accomplish it. Maybe I just need to do more - with my life, with my hobbies, with giving to others. Maybe I just need to figure out how to be a better person. I just don't have the answers and I'm constantly searching for them because that's all I can do at the moment. I can only search for a way to honor Ellison as much as she deserves to be honored and I can only search for that silver lining for Doug and I through all of this...
-Tomorrow I think I'll write about "Re-entering Society." It's been 15 days since we lost Ellison, and each day brings a new struggle...
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