Writing this blog everyday has been a way for me to get my thoughts and emotions out such that they don't just eat away at me. I've always tried to handle stress, sadness, anger, etc. internally - fighting a battle with myself basically. But something like this would crush me from the inside out if I didn't "emote" outwardly. Not to mention, I've got to be the voice for two now - myself and Ellison. However, what I have neglected thus far has been talking about my husband. I've mentioned him here and there, but not nearly enough. My husband has not read these blog entries yet - which I understand because I know how hard they are for me to even write let alone for others to read. So he won't know that I've discussed him (because that would probably embarrass him some). But one day when he can bring himself to read these, I hope he realizes how much I love him, and how much Ellison loved him.
I will not delve too much into how my husband and I met. Suffice it to say that he passed one test with flying colors but failed the other. See, most girls when they think about their future husbands have some sort of unwritten "list" of things that the potential spouse must possess. The list usually contains things like being nice, loving, good sense of humor, mature, etc. Then there are the stranger requests which are unique to each girl. Mine included that my future spouse could not have gone to VA Tech or be a Tech fan, and could not be a co-worker. For my fellow Wahoos (most of them anyways), you can understand the first one - we bleed orange and blue through and through. Don't get me wrong, I do have a handful of friends that went to Tech and I love them nonetheless - but I didn't marry them :). The second one came from previous experiences. Well, Doug passed the first one, but failed the second. We met at work, as fate would have it, and I went against my list.
We started dating in February 2010, were engaged by July 2010, and were married on April 2, 2011. As they say, when you know, you know. I pretty much knew on that first date that we were destined to be together. While we may have been polar opposites on some things, and had totally different life experiences in our backgrounds, we always "got" each other. He understands me, and I understand him. And that's why it happened so seemlessly. Don't get me wrong, there were a few bumps on that road towards marriage, but nothing that our love couldn't climb over. You here some people say that they married their best friend - and I know in my heart that I am one of those people.
We've had some close calls since we've been together. I mentioned my car accident in one of the earlier blogs. Shortly after that, Doug was involved in something at work that very easily could have turned out differently. I won't go into what we do, but let's just say, it has taught us that life is short and can very easily be taken away in an instant. You'd think that that knowledge would make this easier for us to face, but as I pray that none of you ever have to go through this yourselves, no amount of knowledge can ever help you prepare for the loss of a child. Even if you had a crystal ball and knew that this outcome was set (which we certainly did not), you would not be prepared for it. It is something that should never happen, but when it does, it is beyond what our minds can comprehend and our hearts can handle. Now, none of those close calls leading up to this even seems like it was ever hard to handle...
I can say that losing Ellison is the hardest thing Doug and I could ever experience in our lives, and we are facing it united together. My husband is my rock. He has always kept me grounded. When we sit around during the quiet times and just talk through our thoughts of sadness and how we're feeling, he has told me that the only thing worse than losing Ellison would have been losing me too. And though I've told him several times that I wish it had been both Ellison and I, I know how impossible that would have been for him to survive. The thought of leaving him behind is heartbreaking as well. I would never want him to face this pain alone. Most of the time, he holds it together for the both of us.
Despite his overwhelming sadness, he constantly has to be my cheerleader. He always tries to convince me that I have to have a positive outlook. We won't be happy ever again if we don't think that we can be happy, he tells me. After all, nature didn't choose to take either of us that night, it took Ellison. She would want us to move forward. We have to face life every day that we are living - the happy, the sad, the funny, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And if we should get pregnant again, we'll have to stay positive and not constantly fear the negative, because we simply can't control it. All of these things he tells me on a daily basis in an effort to pull me out of a pit of despair. He does this because he loves me so much. And for this, I fall even more in love with him each day.
I worry about Doug. I worry that maybe I'm not supporting him enough, and I tell him every day that I worry about him. I want to know that he will be OK when he goes back to work. I want to know that he will take care of himself. I worry because I know the pain he is experiencing. I saw him hold Ellison that night and I watched all of the worries that he held during the pregnancy melt off of his face. He was no longer worried about finances, or the thought of raising a little princess, or the impending late nights and lack of sleep, or anything else about bringing a child into this world. All that remained was the pain of having lost one of the greatest loves of his life. And not a day goes by that he doesn't miss his little princess - I know this because I see it. I live it with him. So I worry about him, and he worries about me. That is why our marriage is still so strong - we worry about each other, together.
I don't doubt that the loss of a child is the hardest thing for a marriage to face and endure. And I don't doubt that Doug and I will survive this and probably come out on the other side even closer. Partly because our love is so strong, and partly because he is just an amazing man - he is supportive, loving, giving, strong, hard-working, fun-loving, optimistic, funny. All the things that a husband should be, and more. I can't come up with enough adjectives to describe him adequately. He is simply a good man, and he's my man. As my grandfather would often say after meeting someone for the first time, "he's a nice man." Oftentimes you just know when someone has a good heart and is a good person just from meeting him - well, if you haven't met my husband, hopefully you will be able to tell he has a heart of gold just from reading this - at least that's what I want you to know.
He would have been an amazing father to Ellison. She would have brought him so much joy. He would have been very involved in her life - raising her, being her cheerleader, and just loving her. He would have been very hands-on with everything. I'm sure he would even have turned football off to watch Disney princess movies with her (though I know he would protest some). As much as he has sacrificed for me over the years, he would have done so for her tenfold. He would be the one to teach her how to ride a bike, how to throw a ball (although I'd fight him over taking credit for this since I can throw pretty good as well), and all of the other things that fathers often teach their children. I am just so sad knowing that I will not be able to watch this love between father and daughter flourish over the years. Not only am I extremely sad that I can't have Ellison here to be a mother to her, I'm also sad that I won't be able to watch Doug show her his love as her father.
As I've talked about before, I still feel guilt. I feel guilt thinking that I couldn't keep Ellison safe and I couldn't bring her into this world to see her father. I couldn't keep his princess alive. Even though we both know this was just an unexplainable tragic accident, I still can't help feeling guilty. I won't go into that extensively again, but just know that I still struggle with this feeling in my heart, even if I know in my mind that it is unfounded. I wanted nothing more than to give him this beautiful gift - and it just didn't happen. The only thing I can give him now is my unwaivering love and support in dealing with this reality. So with that, I will close this by saying that I love my husband with all my heart, til death do us part. While we're still living, all we can do is love each wholly and honor the memory of our daughter united together.
-Tomorrow, the topic will be entitled "Strong." While everyone tells Doug and I how strong we are being through all of this, I want everyone to know that I'm just one block being pulled away from toppling - like a Jenga tower, on an everyday basis. It's a war that's being fought as the sun rises each day.
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