As I'm sure many other women in the midst of dating someone they are serious about have done, I forced Doug to watch "The Notebook" one night. I'm sure you know how the story goes - it's a love story for the ages. It centers around the characters of Noah and Allie, with Noah telling their story to his love Allie when she cannot remember it because time has stolen her memory. There's one scene in particular that sticks out to me. It's when they are young lovers playing on the beach. Allie tells Noah "Now say you're a bird." Noah replies, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird." And that pretty much sums it up for me - if Ellison's a bird, I'm a bird. Everything that I do, she will do, because she is indeed with me. She is my bird.
I was partly dreading yesterday and the service we were going to hold for Ellison. I knew it would be hard to face my family and confront the sadness, the reality of everything that was happening. She's been gone for three weeks - what feels like an eternity already yet still so fresh in my mind and heart like it was back at 3 pm on February 1st. I knew it wasn't going to be a formal to-do, just a simple gathering of our loved ones to spend some time remembering Ellison and reflecting on our loss. But it still seemed so impossible to handle. I felt physically sick to my stomach - the churning of my emotions was travelling all the way to the pit of my stomach. None of it seemed fair, none of it was right, but it was real and we all have to confront reality.
Doug's family was present and my family was present, along with my good friend/pastor/youth leader/jack of all trades. She was present at the hospital back on February 1st and had baptized Ellison. It was only right that she should be a part of this and help us come together for this remembrance. She is so good with words when words seem to escape the rest of us. And I knew her words would be comforting not only to me and Doug, but to the rest of my family that was also feeling this immense loss. She had written her words down for our informal gathering and they were beautiful - they were words of sadness, hope, and love. She borrowed a few tidbits from my own past blogs, she borrowed some from scripture, and she borrowed some words from a book she had given to me that was written by other mothers grieving their own losses of a child. One of the scriptures she read was the same that she had read at Doug and I's wedding - the standard scripture most are familiar with - 1 Corinthians 13. The love scripture as it's commonly known. I won't completely write it down, but I will quote one part "it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." And this is true of love - my love for Ellison will always protect me, and will always persevere. One day I know I will be able to find hope through that love for her and it will be a hope for the future. It's just hard to understand and accept that right now, but I will do my best to.
Towards the end of the remembrance, our friend/pastor read the poem I had shared on my blog "When Tomorrow Starts Without Me." And then, we each wrote a little note to Ellison and attached it to a balloon. I won't share what I wrote in mine - it's the one thing I will leave secret between her and I. But I will say that the last line was "Love Forever, Mommy." We went out front and released all of the balloons and notes into the air to fly away. Luckily, despite the crazy wind, they floated past all of the neighbors' trees and soared away. In my mind, I'd like to think they reached her where she was sitting on top of a cloud somewhere playing with her friends. But despite where those balloons actually ended up, I know she saw what was written on those cards.
After Doug released the balloons and they floated out of eyesight, we just hugged each other and cried. We then went back inside and just visited with family for the rest of the afternoon. While I was sitting in one of the chairs talking, Natalie told me that she had drawn a picture for Ellie on her card. It was a picture of Doug and I with sad faces. She asked me "as Ellie's mother, do you miss her?" I told her "yes, I miss her all the time, and it makes me sad because I love her so much." And then she said that's why she drew the sad faces on Dougle and I because she wants Ellie to know we're sad without her. How amazingly brilliant a 4 yr old in all of her innocence can be. And that, my friends, sums up perfectly that little remembrance we had for our Ellison. We all want her to know we're sad that she's not with us, and we will always be sad. We will be sad as a family and we will always remember her and think of her. As her mother, I will always be sad and miss her just as I have every day since she left us. This was not closure, but just another beginning. My love for her will perservere for all of eternity. After all, I've loved her ever since I knew her, and she is my bird....So just as Allie and Noah tell each other at the of "The Notebook," "I'll be seeing you" Ellie.
-I'm not sure what the future of my blog holds. I may not write long rambling topics each day, I may only write a few words. I may not decide to post everything on Facebook each day but rather just quietly add to the blog. Feel free to save the link and check back as you wish, or if you even want to. I do know I'll probably write a little something every day - be it a quote, or a thought, or something. I plan to do this each and every day for the first year. I have to do it for my Ellison so she knows she's not alone and that her mother cares for her in so many ways. It's just something I feel in my heart that I must do...
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