Jealousy

Last night during girl's night, I was hanging out in Natalie's room.  My sister-in-law had left the room, and Natalie and I had been preparing for a "party."  She happened to look down and grab my silicone bracelet.  The side that had Ellison's name on it in between two hearts was facing Natalie.  Natalie said that she loved the hearts and wanted to know what the words between them were so I told her it was Ellison.  Natalie looked at me and said "but we all know she died.  Why are we still talking about it, why don't you talk about me, I want you to talk about me now."  It caught me completely off guard.  I scrambled for something to say on the fly and I managed to tell her that I still miss and love Ellison, but that I can talk about her too.  I wasn't prepared for that and I wish I had given her a better answer. 

So after Natalie went to bed, I told my sister-in-law about the conversation.  She divulged that they've been dealing with a little jealousy from Natalie when it comes to Ellison.  We had all thought that when Ellie got here, Natalie might be a little jealous despite the fact that she was excited to have a cousin.  After all, she was going to have to share her spotlight for the first time.  So I suppose it makes sense now that she still feels that jealousy with having to share the conversation within the family with the topic of Ellison.  I guess I just hadn't realized that the jealousy would still exist with Ellie not physically being here.  I suppose it's how four year olds process things like this - now that I think about it, it makes complete sense.

Sometimes, the jealousy is hard to ignore.  I find myself being jealous of others' bundles of joy that seem to keep being born every day.  I'm jealous of their happiness, of the joy they get to experience holding their baby for the first time.  I'm jealous of watching all their babies hit important milestones.  Basically I'm just jealous that I did not get the same good fortune and that my baby is not here.  While no one is to blame, I still feel pings of this jealousy and have to continually come up with ways to deal with, or refocus, my feelings.  It's no different for Natalie as she struggles through different emotions - I guess it's just more difficult for her because she is so young and dealing with something way beyond her years.  In all honesty, I don't think at any age, it gets any easier when faced with a tragedy.  I'd say jealousy fits right into that grieving process.  It's right in there with anger some days.  I learn something new each day from a four year old - it really is amazing how profound children can be.  She's the cutest teacher I know.