When I look at my pictures of Ellie, I feel torn between emotions. They are beautiful to me, but they are also sad. I find it difficult to process - how can death be beautiful? It seems preposterous to think that those two concepts can be intertwined in such a weird way. Pictures of her represent both death and life. I imagine what her life would have been like when I stare at those various photographs. But then, I see the face of death - discolorations of skin, pale and cool. I almost always cry when I look through them. In one of the photos, her little pouty face says it all. It's just so very sad. A beautiful disaster - she was very beautiful, but I guess too beautiful to stay here with me.
As I look at all the photos that my friends share of their newborns, I feel numb. I wish I had photos that I could share of her but they are not fit to be shared. No one wants to have to look at death through a photograph. I certainly never thought I would be. All I can say is that she was the sweetest and most amazing creature - more beautiful than I could have imagined, and it's just a shame that the pictures do not do her enough justice.
I wish I could see photo albums from Heaven - photos that reflect her smile or happiness in general. There are many things that I wish I could change but unfortunately it is beyond my control. I'll just have to relish the few photos that I do have of my beautiful angel and remember her as I knew her - as my pretty daughter. In my eyes, she will always be the prettiest baby I have ever seen.
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