Words

It is much easier to write my thoughts down than to speak them.  Tonight I attended my monthly support group meeting.  It was another helpful session for me.  But I find that when I speak of Ellison, trying to convey my thoughts and emotions clearly is difficult.  However, as I sit down to type out my blog posts every night it seems that the words just pour through my fingers.  Perhaps it's just because it's easier to share things anonymously than to have to look people in the eye and maintain strength.

Nonetheless, I have words for today.  Today was like Christmas in April for me.  I knew that I was going to get my other hospital photo package at the meeting tonight.  It is almost sad to say that I was looking forward to this.  I suppose when the mementos you have to remind you of your child are so few, it makes them all the more special.  I had been eagerly awaiting them just as any mother would be for their photo packages of their babies except I unfortunately know the immense pain and sadness reflected in my baby's photos.  Knowing this, however, does not change the fact that I relish seeing my beautiful baby girl and how proud I feel to be her mother.  I was anxious to see them at the end of the meeting.

When my Mom arrived to pick up Doug and I to head over to the meeting, I also knew that she had a present for us that she had ordered.  It had finally arrived from Cypress.  I pulled it out of the bag it was in and discovered that it was a tiny, hand carved wooden music box.  The details in the carvings were amazingly intricate.  I opened the top to reveal a message carved on the inside "You are my sunshine Ellison Ann."  As I turned the little handle, the notes of "You Are My Sunshine" poured out of the little box.  It was beautiful, and I loved it.  It made me smile.

While waiting for the group meeting to start, I saw that I had received an email.  It was from my sister-in-law informing me that the present they had ordered had not arrived by my actual anniversary, but that it was here today and she knew I had my meeting so she would be leaving it in my mailbox.  Another present to look forward to.  Towards the end of the group session, we were provided smooth stones and paints to create a picture or write our babys' names on to either carry with us or to perhaps use in a garden, or just to have.  I created two for Ellie - one with just her name and some hearts on it, and the other in my two favorite colors (orange and blue) with just the initial "E."  Sweet - I had two more presents.  And as I was leaving group, I was given another surprise - a little remembrance pin to wear by one of the other attendees.  All of these led up to the present I had actually been eagerly anticipating for many weeks - the pictures. 

The pictures brought tears to my eyes.  I'll have to dedicate tomorrow's blog post to them because there are some other things I want to say specific to these.  But seeing them and some of the items included in the package made the wait worthwhile.  Anyways, when we made it home I immediately checked the mailbox for my other present.  The outside of the card said to open the gift first and then read the card.  I actually followed the instructions.  Inside the wrapped box was a little jade elephant.  Very pretty.  I then opened the card and first saw a colored heart Natalie had drawn us (I love that kid), and then I read the card my sister-in-law and brother had included.  On the inside of the card was this message:

A lucky totem for your anniversary

The elephant is considered an auspicious animal because the Chinese character for "elephant" has the same pronunciation as the Chinese word for "auspicious" or "lucky."  Jade elephants symbolize the ability to strengthen the union of a romantic couple, protect a home, inspire intelligence, dignity, longevity, vitality, power, strength, wisdom and prominence, and grant wishes.  According to Chinese tradition, an elephant with an upturned truck symbolizes happiness and good fortune.

Believe in the elephant!  What could it hurt!

PS Jade is also the 3rd Anniversary gemstone

As I read this, again I smiled.  I realized that sometimes that aren't even words for certain emotions that I feel.  Sometimes words aren't even necessary.  Words like happiness and sadness and thankfulness don't convey my feelings as I travel along my current path.  I try to find words to explain everything, but in certain cases, they don't.  As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words and if you could take a picture of me at various times, you'd probably get a better idea of how I'm feeling or what emotions I'm experiencing.  Today, my picture would actually show a genuine smile.