The inevitable occurred today. I took a proverbial kick to the gut and it happened while I was pumping myself up to participate in my first big meeting since returning to work. You know one of those meetings where all the "higher ups" are there and you have to really be focused so you can look like you belong with the big dogs, well that's exactly when I took my kick and it couldn't have happened at a worse time. As I was walking into the meeting room, a colleague asked me "how's the baby?!" As soon as he uttered the words, the air deflated out of my lungs, and my heart pummeled back into the pit of my stomach. I was speechless for about 15 seconds just staring at him, not able to speak, which led him to repeat his question. I finally came to and said "well, I guess you haven't heard yet. She didn't make it. We lost her." And as soon as I spoke these words, he immediately felt absolutely terrible. Not nearly as terrible as I felt.
He spent the next five minutes profusely apologizing which almost made it worse because I know how upset that made him to upset me by bringing the topic up. I had to then sit there and try to hold it together. And not only did I have to fight the tears back, I also had to focus myself enough to present some information and make it sound like I knew what I was doing despite having been out of the loop the last three months. All I really wanted to do was run out of that room, scream, and then throw up. I don't know how but I held it together for the entire 1.5 hour meeting and then was able to continue to work on my presentation until the end of the work day.
I knew it was bound to happen but I certainly was not prepared for it to actually happen. The preliminary scab that was trying to cover the hole in my heart ripped completely off and now I'm just trying to keep the pieces of it still intact so the scab can start forming again. As Natalie would say, I just had a "terrible, awful day." Nonetheless, I managed to find the energy and fortitude to head to the gym and get my first workout in. I knew I was out of shape but I quickly realized just how out of shape I am. At least I made it through thirty minutes of cardio without falling off the machine. It's a start, and another small accomplishment. That's a silver lining - I was able to turn something negative that happened into the strength to achieve a small positive. The sadness and pain motivated me to work towards something I can change.
I guess, in a sense then, it is OK that I took my first real kick to the gut today at work. Now perhaps at least I'll be better prepared for when it happens again. I'm sure my answer to the question of "how's the baby?" will be different each time it gets asked, and I'm sure it will hurt like h*ll to have to give a reply. The main point is that I can survive it no matter how much having to tell the truth hurts. Inwardly, I'll being telling whoever innocently asks that question that "the truth is that my baby did not make it and the void she left behind is too vast for words or understanding, so yes, I'm hanging in there the best that I can and yes, I miss her very much. So you'll have to excuse me now while I go figure out a way to motivate myself to move forward."
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