It's been five weeks today. Saturdays used to be my favorite days, but lately, they aren't. Anyways, Doug and I decided to take advantage of the nice temperature and sunny weather to take the puppies for a walk at the park. We're fortunate to live within walking distance to a nice park that has a back entrance from the actual neighborhood. So off we went with two smiling, yet slightly annoying, sidekicks. Apparently we weren't the only ones who had the desire to enjoy the day at the park. There were quite a few people - families, other dog walkers, runners, etc. Doug and I walked and talked about various things, pausing only to deal with the dogs every now and then.
I watched as women pushing their strollers passed by. I noticed several pregnant women who were out with their husbands and children. They seemed to come out of the woodwork, so to speak. But surprisingly, I didn't allow myself to ponder these sights for too long. I held up better than I thought I would. We'd pass by them and say hello or exchange pleasantries as we pulled Sabre away from trying to kiss every single human he encountered. I sort of surprised myself - I didn't even have a tear well up inside and I didn't have to choke any back.
Last night I had also broken the ice with my pregnant next door neighbor. Doug and I had almost avoided them the whole time we'd been back home from the hospital. Thanks to the mailman who had dropped off a package for them at our house, I had a reason to break the ice. I finally got up the courage to go over there and start a conversation with them. We exchanged pleasantries, they expressed their condolences in a nice way, and then we were able to carry on a rather long conversation about various things. I was able to ask her how far along she was and when she was due. Turns out she's having a boy due in the summer. They already have a cute little 3 yr. old daughter. I was able to endure talking about all of this without becoming upset over thinking about Ellison and our situation. This surprised me.
Perhaps I'm starting to gain more strength in handling life move on. I was able to face some fears and make it through. Now, I still cried some last night when I laid my head down to go to sleep as I said my usual words to Ellison. And thoughts of her still consume me when I see these things and talk to people, and go about everything that I do, but maybe I'm starting to be able to feel a little stronger each day. Bit by bit as I face more fears, and dig deep and find more strength, I'll surprise myself even more - I'll get back to challenging myself as I've done in the past, and hopefully achieve more goals in my "new normal" future.
I am reminded of a greeting card I recently received from a dear friend/second "Mom." It was entitled "The Oak Tree" and it said this:
A mighty wind blew night and day, It stole the oak tree's leaves away, Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark until the oak was tired and stark. But still the oak tree held its ground while others trees fell all around. The weary wind gave up and spoke, "How can you still be standing, Oak?" The oak tree said, "I know that you can break each branch of mine in two, Carry every leaf away, Shake my limbs, and make me sway. But I have roots stretched in the earth, Growing stronger since my birth. You'll never touch them, for you see, They are the deepest part of me. Until today, I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure. But now I've found, with thanks to you, I'm stronger than I ever knew."
Then the card's message on the inside said, "I know you can get through this...You're good, and you're strong, and you have a lot of people around you who care...people like me." In a funny way, it makes me think of the SNL skit with Stuart Smalley and his affirmation "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and Doggone it, people like me!" I just have to keep reminding myself that this tragedy, as much as it has scarred me and torn me apart in many ways, will not break me. Ellison has become another root that holds me together and is the deepest part of me. If I take that perspective and remind myself of these words and principles, I'll be able to keep facing the wind that keeps trying to knock me down.
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