Thursday, March 13, 2014

The "Mustn'ts"

Last night was girl's night over at my sister-in-law's house.  I joined her and Natalie for a little play time.  After her bathtime, she was told to pick out a bedtime story so I could read to her.  As she was carefully choosing her story, I noticed she had a copy of the Shel Silverstein book "Where the Sidewalk Ends."  I love all of his collection of poems to include "The Giving Tree."  Classics, all of them.  Natalie ended up picking some little cute book she had gotten in one of her Chic-Fil-A meals, and then my sister-in-law read her the poem "Hug O' War" from "Where the Sidewalk Ends."  I then gave Natalie a big ol' hug telling her that was one of my favorite poems and her mom tucked her in and we left her to get some sleep (she needed it...wild child).

As I sat around chatting with my sister-in-law, one of the topics we spent some time on was this struggle I'm having with body image.  She knew that I was planning on going shopping with my Mom today to get some non-maternity clothes that would fit me as I face having to return to work on Monday.  She knew I was dreading it.  I told her I just wanted to not look pregnant anymore and I wanted to lose all of this extra weight I have put on, and I was petrified of what size I'd have to get.  I have no doubt that many women struggle with their bodies and/or weight after pregnancy.  But I feel like my struggle is different than the average post-pregnant woman because I have no baby to show for my pregnancy.  I feel like people stare at me as I walk around in public, either wondering if I am currently pregnant or how old my baby is now. 

My husband, and family members, all tell me not to worry about things like that.  It's to be expected, I just had major surgery, I was over 8 months pregnant, etc.  I also wouldn't be surprised if these stares I feel like I'm getting are mostly in my head - I'm probably making it out to happen more than it actually does in reality.  I am my own worst enemy.  But no matter how much I may recognize all of these points, and even understand the truths in them, all I believe is what I see.  And all I can see is this pregnancy weight with no happy ending.  No excuses for it.  It makes me feel even worse.

As I tried on pair of pants after pair of pants today at the store, I felt even more deflated as I had to try on a size I'd never been before.  My Mom, who is a saint and who I can never thank enough for literally everything, kept encouraging me not to think about it or get down on myself.  I did only allow myself to cry once, in the dressing room.  I guess all in all, it was fairly successful given the circumstances.  She reminded me that I could start working it off at the gym on Saturday (my 6 week clearance date), and she knew it would come off in no time.  Of course, everything I had read on the internet said to give yourself as many months as you were pregnant to get the weight off.  Add in the fact that my abdomenal muscles were sliced open, and the prospects get bleaker.  The internet can be a blessing and a curse, that's for sure. 

But I know deep down she's right - I'll push myself and I'll get back down to a more fit size.  It will be a struggle, but what isn't in my life right now?  What's one more struggle?  I know I'm not alone in these struggles - I know other women with similar journeys as mine probably think the same things I think about image, and feel sad and bad about themselves all at the same time.  I'm just choosing to share my thoughts and bare my soul, with all of its faults and cracks, for all to see.  My perceptions are all askew right now, and that's OK.  I've got to work them out as best I can.  And hopefully, as my husband says, when I do get some of the weight off it will be just in time to get pregnant all over again (and deal with handling that image and issue).

I should follow Shel Silverstein's advice and "Listen to the Mustn'ts."
"Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me-
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be."

I'll get there...anything can happen...where there is a will, there is a way.  I'll get over the image issues, and most of the other negativity issues I've talked about previously - I'll be able to listen to all of these thoughts I tell myself in my own head, and realize that no matter what they say, anything can be.  With each new struggle, we should all listen to the mustn'ts....

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