Smile

I had to bump up my postpartum follow-up appointment.  It was supposed to be on Wednesday, but I was having a bit of an incision issue so I had to go in and get it checked out.  Luckily, that turned out to be OK because I really didn't want to have to worry about that on top of everything else.  I was prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best, and it was actually good news (for once).  The nurse had to ask the obligatory questions.  She asked how I was doing, etc.  And I told her I was doing as good as can be expected under the circumstances.  Then she asked about my mood.  I turned to Doug and said, "Oh I don't know, ask my husband how my mood is.."  It's hard to show through words, but I was actually making "a funny."  I was able to crack a few smiles, and had put on my "as happy as I can be" face.  She said they were all thinking about us and everyone at that office is really nice, so it was not too bad overall. 

As I was waiting for the doctor to come check me out, I started thinking about the advice my Mom had given to me not too long ago.  When I would tell her that I was fearing have to face this, that, or the other, she told me to "fake it til' you make it."  She didn't mean that in a bad way, she meant it in a "smile, push through it, and eventually it won't be as hard to get through."  If I keep smiling, even though I'm sad/angry/etc., maybe one day I'll even convince myself that there is something to smile about.  It reminded me of that Charlie Chaplin song:

"Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky,
you'll get by.

If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile -
If you just smile."

Last night I had dinner with my family, including my BFF 4 yr. old niece.  While we were eating dinner, Natalie looked at me with her signature inquisitive look and asked me "Casey, do you miss Ellie?"  I told her "Yes, I miss her very much.  Every day."  Then, my brother told me about the incident that had happened the day before.  Natalie had gone with them to visit my grandmother, her "Gigi" (GG..great-grandmother), for lunch.  While in my grandmother's apartment, she had colored a picture of flowers and butterflies.  When my sister-in-law asked her to leave it for GG, she had a meltdown and started crying saying "but I want to give it to my Aunt Casey."  So my sister-in-law let it go, and didn't force the issue.  As they were leaving a woman at the front desk told Natalie that her picture was pretty.  Natalie said she had made it for  "my Aunt Casey.  My baby cousin died."  The poor woman didn't know what to say after that, nor did my brother and sister-in-law really.  Out of the mouths of babes..you just have to marvel at their bluntness with reality. 

In fact, Natalie askes me often if I miss Ellie.  Normally, I have to choke back a tear and tell her "yes, very much so."  But yesterday, as I answered her, and then heard the story of the picture she had colored, I found myself not having to choke back a tear.  Yes, it did make me sad, but I put a smile on my face, and kept on trying, just as the song says.  I figure I'll just keep on working on smiling, and eventually the happiness behind it will return.  It's like I told Doug today on the car ride home.  I've realized that I can miss Ellie all the time and feel sad thinking about her, but I've got to "keep on keepin' on" with my life.  I'll find the middle ground - and recognize the worthwhile moments in life.