Hold Fast

"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." - Langston Hughes

That's the quote I turned to today in my little book.  This holds true on so many levels.  Every night before I go to bed, at whatever time of the night or morning that happens to be, I say a little something - a prayer if you will.  I tell someone to give Ellison a kiss for me and tell her that I love her, I pray for Doug and I to get through this, and I pray that our dream to be blessed with a child will be realized and that Ellison will know she's a big sister and be happy.  Then I often fall asleep hoping that I'll see Ellison in my dreams.  I have to hold fast to all of these dreams and thoughts or I won't fly on.

I have to keep dreaming to shake off the negativity.  If the negativity wins out, I know I'll never be able to accomplish or realize my dreams.  Ellison, in and of herself, is a dream for me, and I surely can't let that die too. 

As Doug and I were out the other night with a friend - a little low key outing for the both of us - I remember thinking how different it felt.  Much like I am in general, it just wasn't the same.  But as we sat around talking about random things, even joking every so often about Jimmy Fallon skits or work things, I honed in on a song in the background.  It was a Florence + The Machines song - "Shake It Out."  There were several verses and then a later line in the song that struck me:

"And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa"

Then a little after these verses, was the line "And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope."

I like this song, even though I'm sure she's singing about something totally different.  I have to shake it out - I have to shake some of the negativity out.  Even if I can't leave the past behind, nor would I want to, I have to be ready to hope.  I have to be ready to dream some.  No doubt I'll suffer as I have been, but I will have to work on suffering without the negativity.  That's the devil on my back, and so the task will be shaking it off and opening up to achieving my dreams.  I'll dream not only of Ellison but I'll hopefully start dreaming about the future, and find a balance between the two.  It is always darkest before the dawn, but if I hold fast, I'll learn to fly on.