I know I've mentioned in some of my previous blogs about how I often go into Ellison's empty nursery and just sit for a bit. I used to go in there every day but I've backed off some and will only go in there several times a week. Part of me feels like going in there and finishing her room completely - hanging all of the pictures up, placing the wall decals onto the wall. But the other part of me just can't do that. Well, while I've tried to not go in there every day because it just feels so sad, one of my dogs often wanders in there for me.
My dog, Sabre, is a Dogo Argentino, an Argentinian Mastiff. His older sister is part Dogo, part pitbull. They are the best dogs. Sabre, despite being about 115 lbs and being taller than me when he stands up on his back legs, is a very sweet dog - a gentle giant. While he oftens seems slow in processing things, I believe he is much smarter than he comes across. He is quite intuitive - more sensitive than his sister. He would often smell my belly throughout the pregnancy, and would even rest his head on it often, as if he sensed there was another person in there he wanted to love on. He just wants to love everyone - he just doesn't understand that his paws hurt when he reaches out to try to get your attention or jumps up on you when you aren't paying attention. Well, I believe Sabre senses the sadness in that empty room.
Ever since we came home from the hospital, without our Ellison, he's started wandering down the hall and pushing open Ellison's door and has just stood in the middle of her room almost on a daily basis. He stays in there about 5-15 seconds, and then just walks back out and goes to lay down on his bed in our room. He did not do this before - not while Doug was preparing the nursery when I was in the hospital, not even when the room was used before. He never seemed interested in that room until I came home and was no longer pregnant. It's as if he sensed that that room was supposed to be that other little person who was in my belly's room and she was no longer in my belly. And in his own intuitive sense it's as if he knew he was supposed to be missing something as he stood in that empty room. He even goes in there when I cannot bring myself to. When I hear him push the door open, I'll sometimes get up and go watch him. The first few times, he would immediately go to her crib and just sniff it and look into it. The other times, he would just stand in the middle of the room looking at something (I'm not sure what), and then just turn and leave as he had come in.
I know that dogs can sense emotions in their owners - they know when you're angry with them, or when you're happy, or sad. They tend to avoid you when they know you're upset with them, and they tend to flock to you when they know you're sad and need their company. But I also think that dogs can feel their own emotions and often go through their own mourning if they lose someone close to them, and it hits some harder than others and they deal with it differently (just like humans). I know that if Samantha passes away before Sabre, he may not live much longer after that because he is so attached to her, but if he were to pass before her, she might be sad for a while but not to the same extent as Sabre if the roles were reversed. And I truly believe that Sabre, despite being dense in other ways, is mourning Ellison too. It's clearly not the same, but I know that he knows that our sadness is tied to that empty room, and he's sad too.
That empty room is so much more than just empty. It's pervaded by sadness, hopelessness, frustration, and sometimes even anger. And like Doug and I, Sabre senses some of this when he wanders in there. It reminds me of that famous quote in my little book - "Not all who wander are lost." (J.R.R. Tolkien). He's searching for some peace and understanding too. And maybe, like us as we go in there, he's hoping one day that that room is no longer empty. But in the meantime, it just represents what we're missing - what might have been rather than what will be.
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