Veni, Vidi, Vici

I made it through the first day back at work.  I survived and I'm not too worse for wear as they say.  When it came to my apprehensions, I came, I saw, and I conquered.  Despite not having slept at all really last night and having what felt like a heavy ball sitting in the pit of my stomach all day, I pressed on and made it through.  It was strange going back in to that building knowing that the last time I had been in it was when I was 27 weeks pregnant.  After all, I wasn't supposed to return to work until Ellison was about two months old, and here I was returning instead under these circumstances.  My life has been a crazy whirlwind and walking back through the corridors of that building was a sad affirmation of what was lost while I had been out of work. 

Besides my few close co-workers, most of my work colleagues have no idea how much I have been through or how difficult it has been to move forward.  I would not expect them to have a clue about the emotional stress, and distress, I have been under.  Most probably think I'm just back to work ready to "hit the ground running."  A few have told me to just take things in stride and just do the best I can while reacclimating, and I am grateful for that.  A couple of people acknowledged my loss by giving me a hug or telling me that they were sorry for what happened and had been thinking about me, and that sort of helped me get through the day actually.  I only found myself get emotional once, but I was able to hold it in.  I still haven't cried yet since I've been home - I'm sure it will happen at some point though.  I do need to let all of the stress and emotions of returning to my "new normal routine" flow out of me so they do not pool up inside and flood me as the week rolls on. 

With this in mind, I believe the best way to sum up the day is by quoting Robert Frost - "In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on."  Tomorrow is a new day - lather, rinse, repeat.  I'll get up in the morning and go back to work just like I used to do before losing Ellison.  Life has to go on.  Put one foot in front of the other and walk on.  I just won't be walking alone as I go about this because I know that Ellison will always be present in my thoughts and my actions, and I'll have the continuous support of those who matter to help push me forward when I stall.