Scars

I have my share of scars scattered across my body, just as I am sure others have.  There's the multiple scars on my left knee from my original ACL/meniscus surgery, and the two subsequent meniscus/knee surgeries.  There's the random spider bite scar left on my right shin/calf area.  The left elbow scar from my close encounter car accident.  The random scar still on my left eye from the steel wool incident I've mentioned before.  A variety of little tiny scars only I can see on my hands.  And now, there's the healing scar that sits on my bikini line leftover from the c-section.  Of these, the newest is by far the ugliest and most painful to look at every day.

I've become obsessed with this latest scar.  I want it to go away - to just disappear.  An ugly reminder of what has occurred.  I stare at it in the mirror.  Doug says it's not that bad, it will go away.  But will it?  It may slowly become less noticeable, but that scar tissue will always be there.  It will never go away, in more ways than one - visually, physically, pscyhology.  And though it's the one scar that most will never even see, it's the only one that I can see.

I was raised to be tough, and get back up on my bike if I fell off as a kid.  I'd get my bandaid and my few minutes of crying, but then it was time to move on.  As I recovered from my knee surgery, I'd stick a towel in my mouth as they wrenched my knee back and forth in an attempt to rid it of scar tissue and get those last few degrees of bend.  No pain, no gain.  Even as Natalie gets little boo boos and she shows them to me,  I want to teach her to be tough too.  I've often told her - "It's just a battle scar.  They build character."  And now, my how those words hit home...I've come to eat my own words.  I'm sure that won't be the last time that happens when it comes to my advice to her as her sometimes wiser Aunt. 

I'm not sure what character this latest scar will be build - that's still working itself out.  But I'm reminded of a quote I have in my little book of wisdom:  "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran.  On the eve of my first bereavement support group meeting, I am thinking about these words.  I'll meet others with similar stories of loss - similar scars.  I don't know if theirs will be freshly formed scars like mine or scars that have weathered over time.  Nevertheless, our souls will be bonded together through these non-visible scars.  And I can only wish for all of us with these types of scars to have our souls strengthened as we journey along the healing process - for all of us to be a phoenix that can rise from the ashes....