A Thousand Years

I have officially made it through my first week back at work.  And now I am completely exhausted.  After 12 weeks of near inactivity, something seemingly as simple as going to work each day for eight hours has wiped me out.  As I was walking out of the office with a co-worker to head home I even commented on how I was looking forward to the one nice day we were going to get this weekend and I might even go for a nice long walk somewhere.  Just as I felt a momentary glimpse of what resembled happiness, a colleague who was a floor up (it's an open atrium near my office) yelled down that he was glad to see me back and wanted to know "how is the growing family doing?"  I just shook my head, looked at my co-worker, then turned and responded "It's going Ok."

I did not feel like shouting back up to him that we lost Ellison for everyone to hear.  I figured it would just be easier to say something short and quickly leave before he followed it up with something else.  As soon as I uttered the words though, I felt guilty.  I've talked about feeling like I need to tell people the truth about Ellison and not just ignore it or pretend that it did not happen.  It would certainly be easier to just pretend that everything is fine "with the baby" to get out of an awkward conversation.  But it does not feel right to do that.  After all, I'm proud that I did get to be her mother even if it was for too short of a time, and people need to know this. 

She is very special to me - she is my world - even if she is looking down on me from someplace else.  I do not want people to ever think that I am ashamed to be her mother, or that because I never got to hold her while she was living that she somehow does not count.  She is always in my thoughts and will always hold a special and unique place in my heart because she is my daughter.  She has touched so many lives beyond mine and Doug's.  I need to be strong enough to never avoid the "awkward conversation."  It seems only right to tell her story to others even if it is painful for both me and them to hear. 

Just like the song I heard today as I was doing some work and closing out my first week back in the grind, I will love her for "A Thousand Years."  Here are some fitting verses of that song that are speaking to me at this moment:

I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

 

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more