Mantra

Tomorrow is my first day back at work since I've been out on bedrest, since I've lost my daughter, and since I've been recovering from surgery.  It has been a long, trying three months, but I'm still standing.  Some days I waiver more than others but like the Tower of Pisa, I may be leaning but I'm still hanging around.  I'm not sure which way I'll be leaning tomorrow..

I've been trying to think of a mantra all weekend.  Some word or catch phrase to repeat to myself when I find either my patience waning or my emotions becoming too overwhelming.  I know it will happen whether it be my first day back or not until the end of the week, but I've got to prepare myself.  As Doug would tell me, prepare for the worst but hope for the best.  I work in a field that tends to shy away from allowing human emotions to intrude in for fear of clouding judgment so I do not really know what to expect upon my return.  I do know that after something like this, it is impossible to just push away emotions, and that it is also OK to show emotion - it is the only way to stay sane.  Perhaps this journey has taught me to be even more compassionate to those I encounter which might be an added skill to bring to my work.  It will set me slightly apart from some of my colleagues and may benefit my workplace.  But I must still prepare myself for those that I could encounter at work that may not be as understanding about the recent events in my life, and I need to be able to handle it.

I suppose I shouldn't assume anything.  We all know that when you assume something, it makes "an *ss out of you and me."  I could be pleasantly surprised upon my return or it could be even worse than I thought it would be.  I just won't know until I jump back in.  It's like that time I decided it would be "fun" to jump off of that 70 ft. cliff into Smith Mountain Lake.  As I got to the top, realized how high up it was, and remembered my intense fear of heights, I stood at the edge frozen.  My mind could not make my body jump for almost five minutes.  I couldn't turn around and climb down at that point - I was stuck.  I had to keep telling myself "you can do this, you have to do this, and you will do this."  And sure enough, I talked myself into taking the leap.  And sure enough it hurt like h*ll when I hit the water.  See, I HAD actually concentrated on making myself jump, but I HAD NOT concentrated on making sure my whole body was straight up and down when I entered the water which one should be when jumping from that height into a body of water.  Hence, when I hit, one of my arms was slightly bent and the force of impact jerked my shoulder causing a sprain of some sort.  But I survived and it could have been worse.  There's that perspective again.  Perhaps going back to work is sort of like jumping off of that cliff - I can do it, I have to do it, and I will do it.

I think back to other mantras I have heard throughout my life.  There's "Don't worry, be happy."  That certainly doesn't seem right at this moment.  There's "Carpe Diem," but I don't see myself being quite ready to seize anything just yet.  Not to mention it reminds me of Dead Poet's Society and that other quote in the movie - "sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone."  I don't think I could manage finding that fine balance at first.  Then there are those words people sometimes use that calms them and puts them back in their "happy" place.  For some reason, when I think about this concept, it makes me think back to a certain X-Files episode on subliminal messages.  One character, nicknamed "Pusher," could seemingly make people bend to his will and one of the words he used was "cerulean blue."  While that word tended to push people to the negative, other recent movies or shows I have watched have featured a word that pushes people to the positive.  What comes to mind first is the use of the word "Excelsior" by the main character in Silver Linings Playbook.  Apparently when it comes to the poetic meaning of that word it means "ever upward."  It also means "higher" or "loftier."  Now, that it is definitely getting closer to something that I could borrow.

I could keep using Doug's mental phrase - "just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo.  Or maybe I'll just think to myself "bluebird" everytime something, or someone, bothers me.  For now I'll just say the word "bluebird" under my breath if something upsets me or if I find myself getting overwhelmed.  After all, it would make me remember my quest to find that elusive bluebird of happiness.  It's like that saying "the journey is the reward."  So maybe my calming technique will be to think "bluebird" and press onward in the journey.  It's a start at least, and that's all I can do at this point.  I can do this, I have to do this, I will do this. 

Besides, in the grand scheme of life, work seems inconsequential.  The concept of  'my life is my work of art' or 'your life is your legacy' speaks higher volumes than 'my job is my life.'  I'd rather let my life's journey reflect my character than what I do for a living.  If the two concepts happen to collide, that's fine.  But I'd rather focus on making my life overall be my work of art - and Ellison is certainly a prominent color on my canvas and I want that color to "jump off" the canvas, so to speak, and touch others just as she has touched me.